The lost

Chapter 4 - Asha, 17 years old

Soon it is 5 years without the wonderful Hild and 4 years without Victor. This "tradition" takes everything from me, I still have the bunny, I still have the hoodie. The hoodie is a bit more oversized on me than it was on Hilda, and I still hug the bunny now and then, reminding myself of what she said: "I will still be with you", then she gave me the bunny and continued: "In this form".

I still remember the promise I made to her "I will end this hell".

End this pain and suffering. In two days, it's my birthday... It hurt celebrating it without Hilda when it happened. But now, it is time, it is time to end this. I look around the room, Hilda's /Victor's/Mathew's room, really there were much more people than that before me... that sobbed at the same floor as Hilda did that night.

I look under the bed, finding a small box, I opened the lid and it was full of composition books. I opened one of them:

Lucy – soon to be 18, "I don't want to die, I just don't... I want to live, just like everybody else. But this tradition, just doesn't let that to happen. I wish I could just fucking destroy this, but I can't... everyone that has been locked up in this room, is destined to be the lost. It is just like that... I never was able to go visit my long Family in Paris, I never will be able... since, this orphanage just kills us, and for what? For kids to be traumatized? This is my last note, before the day, the day of death. I love this world, and I wish that I would never have to leave it..."

-1987, June 6th

I turn the page finding another page, written:

Felix – Soon to be 18 "just like Lucy and many more, I was 6 when she died, it is my time. Honestly, I don't want this, I never wanted this, but as kids, we are just shown this side, so it feels wrong to not die... it feels like disappointing someone... I wish I wouldn't feel like this, I wish I would just break the window now and run away. But won't I be a disappointment then? This is a tradition after all. Whoever reads this, and isn't locked up in hell, go, now, I beg of you"

-1999, September 23rd

I turn another page while more tears form:

Mathew – Soon to be 18 "This is just my destiny, to be honest, I don't want to live with this guilt, I don't want to live with this terrible feeling of being so young, seeing horrible things and not doing anything... But isn't it supposed to be a blessing? – as Mrs. Smith says. Really, at this point, for me? It is. I can't with the guiltiness, but this is another one of those goodbye letters, saying how I'll die. Hopefully I'll meet the others"

-2005, May 8th

I remember how sad I got after Mathew's death. I was only 5 years old when he died... I back then wasn't in the orphanage, and he had the same birthday as mine... So he jumped at the same day, I am supposed to jump. I remember the first day in the orphanage, celebrating my birthday, was when everyone was sad. And they told me stories about Mathew. I of course told everyone: "I remember how it was", but I don't... I was just a dumb kid, with a lot of issues (and still have) I just "remember" from others telling me how it was... I turned another page and immediately my eyes were a waterfall of sadness...

Hilda – Soon to be 18 "I know that Ash, you are reading this, but at that point, you are soon to be 18 and you are trying to escape. I can help, and anyone else after me. I saw a small ventilation system door that fits when you go in, it is behind the desk, I of course hid it, so Mrs. Smith wouldn't find it and prevent anyone from escaping. I tried going inside there, and it works, it goes outside to the backyard, of course you'll have to jump over the fence, but you can do it, be sure to jump on the swing set so it will be easier to jump over... and... Ash... I never wanted to die like this, but I recreated Mathew's and remember the bunny? It's cute right? I am writing this after you went back, and I hear your sobbing through the wall, it's okay my little Ash. I'll be there with you, remember? In the form of the bunny, you have"

-2012, May 5th

I feel tears forming, this was the last note from my Hild... I smiled while crying, it's May 6th today, I look over to the desk, as she said... there is this door to the ventilation, she said it holds well, right? I look around the room and find this bag. I put on her hoodie; I packed the bunny. I looked around the room and took stuff that I thought would be useful, a lighter, a scouts-book, a flashlight... now... I need water and food...

I look at the door of my room... I need to go to the kitchen...