Life Lines

2

Love in itself is a very complicated feeling. At least for me, it was. I never got butterflies. But I did feel a strange sense of safety. That's the closest thing to love that I would feel. I never understood how people could fall in love in a single moment. 'Love at first sight' is what they call it, I think.

There also exists something called 'Koi no yokan'. It roughly means closer to love at second sight. Those who believe this think that people know they will fall for someone when they meet again. When I first read about this phrase, I remember almost laughing out loud. It was around the time I first met him.

How could someone possibly predict when they may fall in love? Let alone predicting whom they may fall for?

Aiden was a quiet boy. He didn't talk to his classmates beyond formalities or necessities. And coincidentally, we always sat on two opposites of the room. He and I would be as far as possible. Every now and then, he would answer the teachers' questions and I'd hear his voice; only to forget how it sounded minutes later.

A month after school had started, I spoke to him for the first time. I didn't approach him, neither did he approach me. I wasn't even talking to him. Our friends were the ones conversing. We were just bystanders.

"Oh, by the way, Aiden meet Skye. We're all in the same class if you didn't notice yet," my friend introduced me. I was undeniably awkward. Not because I didn't like him or that I didn't want to talk to him. I was afraid that he would feel otherwise.

Some may assume that I was unconsciously falling for him since that moment. They would be wrong if they did. I was just an extremely introverted girl who couldn't even maintain eye contact for longer than five seconds. With anyone.

Now that I look back at that conversation, I can't help but think. Would it be any different if we didn't talk as much as we did that day? Would I have been able to avoid this fate? Probably Not.

We would have to talk to each other sooner or later. For we were too entangled in a web of acquaintances that forced us to cross paths again and again. Even more so, it forced us to talk to each other again and again.

I remember the first time I intentionally spoke to him. It was a rather silly topic, but an initiation, nonetheless. Being teenagers in the age of social media meant that our whole lives revolved around the web. I found his username funny. Who names their account 'joker_incarnate'? Well, for one, Aiden did. And it made me laugh for quite a while. I made it a point to remind him of that often – more often than I would like to admit.

But that wasn't what I used to start a conversation with him. He hadn't followed me back. It offended me. So I asked him, "Dear mister Joker Incarnate, have you taken it upon yourself to resemble him by not following your peers?"

It was very silly, I know. Our interaction was sillier.

"Ms. Blue Skies, is that you?"

"So you did recognise me."

"Not until now."

He had his way of confusing me. That never changed. Even now, I'm utterly perplexed by the state Aiden has left me in. I didn't understand what he meant by that back then. I still don't understand, honestly. But I do remember that he followed me back later that day.

From classmates who did not talk to each other, we turned into classmates who spoke to each other occasionally.

I still wish we stopped there. I still wish that nothing else happened from that point onwards. If everything ended that day, I would still have a slight chance at saving myself. I wouldn't be caught in the lie that I kept telling myself for years from then on. I wouldn't be here trying to forget all those beautiful moments we shared. Because no matter how beautiful they were, they are the ones that still haunt me more than the possibilities of happiness I could have made mine.

I still wasn't too deep into the quicksand. And I regret not getting out when I had the chance to.

But the funniest thing is that I had a chance back then. Not to avoid this heartbreak, but to avoid whatever led me to it. The first day I spoke to him, he wasn't somebody else's. I could have worked to make him mine. I could have shown him the signs. If only I knew what I felt.

And now I know, I am just facing the consequences of my own mistakes. I ignored the opportunity that the universe left at my doorstep. I left my door closed for a bit too long and I ignored the knocks way too many times. And the opportunity got tired of waiting.

That's why, when I finally opened the door, all I was left with was the faded essence of what I could have if only I had answered on time. The faded essence of what had waited patiently for me for as long as possible.

⁕⁕⁕

Dear Aiden,

I hope this never finds you. Do you remember our first conversation? Honestly, I don't remember it that well either. What I remember is how that conversation made me feel. Talking to you felt fresh. Relieving.

I didn't have to try hard to keep it going. That's how it had always been with you. I don't know if you felt the same way. All I know is that I wish we could still talk to each other like that.

With no history that makes us uncomfortable or awkward. With no past conversations that we keep remembering every time we look at each other. With no worries about how others might perceive our interaction.

I won't write much in this letter. And I'll get straight to the point.

Why can't we be friends now? Is it so hard to forget whatever happened between us? It wasn't even enough to be called something. What we had was so ephemeral that it was hardly anything.

Can't we just keep it at that and go back to being the friends we were before I ruined it for us?

Today is one of those clear days. I'm not busy enough. And the thoughts of you keep surfacing. I can't stand in the sun anymore. It burns.

But I can't do anything about it, I know. So I'll resort to my journal and write you a letter that I'll make sure you never get to see.

I think I still love you, Aiden. And I know I need to get over that feeling. But I just can't.

Do you think about me half as often as I think about you? I hope you do. I hope you have memories of me worth remembering and reminiscing. I hope you still have a bit of love left for me. Not the romantic kind. Something platonic I guess.

I already lost the lover I had in you. I am starting to lose the friend I had in you as well. I wish I don't lose the acquaintance I have in you. That's all we can be now and I can't afford to lose that.

Please don't forget me. I can just hope, but please.

Love,

Skye.