Life Lines

5

Sometimes, when the night feels awfully longer than usual, and when falling asleep is harder than staying up, I tend to think about everything, all at once. I replay a lot of my memories just to feel an ounce of what I did when I experienced those. I fail miserably. But, I don't stop. I can't stop.

On nights when I know I have way too little going on in my life, my heart wanders around memory lane and always ends up at the threshold of the forbidden chamber. The chamber that I like to call 'Aiden'. There's no way I can get a glimpse of what's inside unless I open the red door which always has 'Do Not Open' written on it in bold. But I open the door anyway. I like to go back there even though it hurts.

It wasn't always the case, though. It didn't hurt as much as it does now. It had never gotten as worse as now.

The memory of Aiden wasn't hurtful or forbidden after I had let him go. I liked to think of it as something good that was only meant to last a short time. And although it felt bad to think about at first, I got over it pretty quickly.

We met each other every day after the night of the carnival. Just like we did before. The only thing that changed was the feeling of sparks flying. His eyes didn't glow like they did when we used to sing together. I could tell that it was the effect of the switch I flipped the moment I walked off without meeting him. The fact that everything went according to what I had planned, gave me an odd sense of assurance. That everything was going to be alright. And that the worst was over. That I had nothing to fear anymore.

I was right. I did, in fact, have nothing to fear. What I didn't know or see coming was that there was only regret in store for me.

Initially, I regretted being so awkward around him that I couldn't even talk to him. Then, I regretted avoiding him every time we were close enough for a conversation. And then, I regretted refusing to be in the same room as him at any given point.

And what I regretted most was letting him go when I was so close to having him.

I didn't realise how fast time flew by while I was trying so hard to avoid my feelings. It only hit me when I saw him in the hallways again. But he wasn't alone. There she was with him. And he was so in love.

I told myself that I was okay. That he was allowed to move on and find someone new. Someone who wouldn't walk off like I did. Someone who wouldn't keep him hanging like I did.

And I was utterly alone in all of this. No one got to know about my feelings for him. So, my feelings never became real. They remained as thoughts inside my head. Thoughts that could be easily forgotten. Thoughts that had no tangibility. In the end, whatever was of my love was but a fantasy. Like those tell-tales that are only passed down like spontaneous stories we tell when we remember something. But this fantasy never reached anyone else. It never got passed down.

When I saw them together, I could only think of how good they looked together. As much as I hated it, I couldn't deny their match. It was made in heaven. I had never seen Aiden laugh or smile like that. Not even with me. This helped soothe my pain. I felt happy that he found someone. Yes, I felt happy. Of course, I did. I only wanted the best for him.

But I also envied her at times. She had everything that I could wish for. Or everything that I may have wanted at some point in my life. Even her name was so much more interesting. Rosalind. I liked her name. I liked her. She just had that in her. Everyone liked her. Despite all my admiration for her, all I could focus on was how Aiden was now hers. When he could have been mine.

Slowly, I learned to let go of what could have been and started living for what was present in my life back then.

Slowly, I started entering the rooms that he was in. I started going with the flow. I started talking to him when required. Things were getting less awkward. And we were becoming happier with our lives.