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nobody was born with a body that was fit for dancing. especially not him.

well, it was one of those nights again. where the thoughts didn't seem to shut down. he wondered silently how it was for chan; if he couldn't survive a night with his anxiety, how the heck did chan survive years with someone like him? he sighed as he lay in his bed; the thoughts refusing to shut down.

the lights were dimmed. as the wind drifted through the curtains, giving the pale lifeless room some light. usually occupied by some life and minho, even the room had its low moments this being one of them. the boy currently occupying the room; his eyes were closed and his longish dark hair fluttered over his face. turning over, jisung lay on his back facing the ceiling. his breaths were deep as he tried to keep his thoughts in check. how did someone, anyone cope with this?

his mind started to wander. it was a bad habit he had acquired when he was back there. countless days, weeks, months; jisung could spend all the time in the universe just thinking. some thought he was weird when he was quiet, more used to his happy outgoing personality. others, not so much.

whenever the younger would skip school in middle school, there was always a stare his mother would give him. it wasn't the angry or concerned stare that most people give their children when they decide to stay home, no. this look was a pretty strange one, it broke jisung from inside whenever he glanced at it.

disappointment, irritation, failure, dismay

that was some of the times.

the rest were worse.

of course he didn't want this. he didn't want to leave classes trying not to cry from the overwhelmedness, he didn't want to break down in the bathroom whenever he got stressed, he didn't want to lie to his best friend. it hurt more every single time minho looked at him with sadness in his eyes, as if he was aware of what the dark haired boy was going through. if there was one thing jisung truly cared about, it was what his friends thought about him; especially his best friend. minho had been in jisung's life for as long as he could remember.

he didn't want to let him down.

that started an unending cycle of perfection. jisung barely go through high school without letting his friends know what was happening to him. felix, seungmin and jeongin seemed to believe him. they were younger anyway, and way too busy with their own life's to care too much about their friends. it hurt to think that way but deep down inside jisung knew it would be better.

minho was the most upset when jisung didn't go to the same college as the rest.

he had refused to talk to him for several weeks. minho knew for a fact that jisung had cleared the entrance exam with amazing results, it hurt him, confused him when his friend didn't even want to go to the same college as him. minho hated it. he hated the fact that jisung's trust on him was so less; that he couldn't even talk to the elder about what was bothering him. he thought it would be a one time thing but how?

jisung sat in the coffee shop, his hands trembling as he read minho's last message. wow.. he had been neglecting his friends so much, to an extent that the elder had specifically told him not to talk to him unless it was anything important. he sighed quietly as he placed the phone back on the table. these days, he didn't even know how he felt. earlier, he used to be nervous, scared, anxious. now, it was nothing but emptiness. he was sinking, he had no anchor now that minho was gone.

jisung couldn't hold it back anymore. he let his head fall on the table, hiding it between his hands. he tried to cry, let the emotions out. nothing happened. the feelings he had kept hidden for so long, why couldn't he express them now? frustration took over him as he made a distraught noise. why? why was it so hard? why couldn't he accept his thoughts? why couldn't he accept himself?