The Distance

AUGUST - COLE, 2

Something I should say about my mom is that she always means well. She doesn't have a vindictive bone in her body. Sometimes she puts her foot in her mouth, but she's never intentionally caused anyone harm. I remember being a little kid and revering my parents as infallible. Then, after I became a teenager, I realized that parents are just other humans bumbling through life making mistakes like anyone else. I don't blame her for what happened. She meant well. But without her well-meaning actions, everything would have been different. I can't say better. I'm not sure if better was an option.

She heard us.

I'm not sure what prompted her to do this, she never told me, but after finishing her phone call, my mom decided to go downstairs and check on me and Jason. Maybe she had been aware of my queerness for a while. I wasn't exactly a pro at hiding my search history on the family computer. Maybe she could just see it in Jason and my body language before either of us could. In any case, she walked towards the bathroom in the dark and instead of hearing one boy in the shower and catching me or Jason waiting, she heard two boys in the shower and whatever embarrassing noises we were making.

I didn't know this until later, of course. She wasn't waiting for us with folded arms when Jason and I got out of the shower. She gave us privacy and for that I am thankful.

I led Jason to my bedroom with towels wrapped around our waists. We kept them on in my room which was funny to me, our modesty returning suddenly after we had already been naked together. Jason stepped over my piles of clothes on the floor, my stacks of homework, and comic books. I wasn't a tidy person. Jason either didn't mind or pretended not to as he hurried over to my bed. He sat on the edge and looked at me like no one else ever had, not even my girlfriends in the past. His heart was completely in my hands. I could break it so easily. It was a terrifying responsibility.

His toe was on a pair of my dirty boxers. I wished my room was cleaner. Suddenly it wasn't lost on me that my bed with the purple sheets in blue striped comforter I had since I was eleven now had a hot naked boy sitting on it. I took my towel off and hung it on a hook as if I didn't normally toss it on the carpet.

"What do you want to do now?" Jason asked me.

I turned back to him. He also removed his towel. It seemed clear he wanted to fool around more. I didn't know what to say. My body, my brain, and my heart felt pulled in different directions. I tried to be sensible.

"I know what we could do," I said. "But I have this fear that if I go over there and join you on my bed, we'll kiss and do things that we really would like to do and try, but also that I might not be ready for just yet. This is been very surprising and fast- in a good way-"

"But," Jason interrupted. He closed his towel and sank his shoulders.

I closed the distance. I put my hands on his arms. He looked again like he was about to cry.

"There's not really a but," I said. We both smirked at the double entendre. "It's more like, I like you and don't want to rush into this just because I'm excited. They don't teach us about this in health class. I don't know what to do, aside from what I've seen on the internet. I mean, I guess we could try some stuff I've seen on the internet, but maybe not just yet- not while my adrenaline is still racing."

Jason smiled.

"You like me?"

He asked with such endearing innocence. It was like he heard that one sentence and nothing else.

"I do like you," I said.

"That's pretty gay," he teased.

"Yeah."