The Distance

SEPTEMBER - JASON, 3

I wanted to be loved by everyone. I wanted my mom to love me, I wanted Cole to love me, and I wanted to love myself. These things appeared to directly conflict with each other. The condition for my mother's love was that I did not desire the love of Cole or any boy. To love myself in the absence of her or Cole's love seemed impossible. I began to hate myself in ways I never had before. When I caught my own reflection, I saw an empty husk. I remembered the excitement I had felt in Cole's arms, the joy of finally being the person I wanted to be. Now, I was living in a home that demanded my shame.

I didn't take time to investigate why I stopped talking to Cole, but if I had, I think hating myself and trying to repair the relationship with my mother sat at the crux of it. It wasn't fair to him, I know. He deserved an explanation. I hoped to speak to him before the Homecoming Duel, but in my depressed haze, time moved surprisingly quick.

I realized my mistake as I was boarding the bus, my St. Lukes uniform in a grocery bag under my arm with my trusty track spikes. I wondered if Cole would assume I was mad at him.

"How are you feeling?" Coach Yan asked me.

He was standing up in the front seat with a clipboard taking roll. I understood the meaning of his question, that I was about to go back to my former school and race against my former teammates. I had a whirlwind of feelings regarding that uncomfortable situation. Coach Yan lowered his eyebrows like he was the concerned and sensitive father I never had.

"I'm fine," was all I gave him.

"Give 'em hell today," he said anyway. "Let them know what they lost."

I grimaced. I didn't know how that was supposed to make me feel. Fired up? My heart was exhausted. I couldn't muster any fire.

I mostly drowned out the chatter of my teammates as we traveled.

"Aw, Jason's focused," I heard one of them say.

"Just try to keep up with him today," said another. "Ride his wind-currents."

I liked that idea- as if they could run faster just by being in my proximity the way swimmers could shave off milliseconds by catching the next lane's wave. To be fair, I had noticed the team running more quickly at practice. They all wanted to catch me and that competitive spirit was actually making them better.

I led the guys down to the familiar locker room when we arrived and my eyes found Cole's immediately. He was in his usual spot, half-covered by a locker door, hiding his nice-looking body from everyone. He was guarded. He didn't smile at me.

"Hey," I said, trying to read his mood.

"Hey," he said quietly. "How have you been?"

"Yeah, all right," I said. I didn't want him to know the depressing truth of my existence.

"I called a few times." His words hung heavily in the air.

I knew he had called. My mom told me when he did- I think to gauge my reaction. She wanted me to shrug and ignore him, so I did. I told Cole I was busy. He turned away and finished getting dressed without looking at me again.

I could tell I had hurt him, but Cole, for his part, found a way to hurt me back. As we walked to the track for our race, I learned he was going to the homecoming dance with Aurora. It shouldn't have taken me by surprise, but it did. It stung and made me feel sick. I felt the way I did in my home, ashamed, abnormal, and unloved.

I must've glared at him. I wanted him to know I could see right through him. I caught his eyes and found his fear. But I had too much rage in my heart for just one look. My veins coursed with icy, tingling adrenaline.