Curse of Loneliness

To Not Be a Vampire

Xavier walks through the dark, foggy forest, looking around for any houses nearby.

He had forgotten how empty and lonely the forest was. Everything looked like a maze, and he was almost afraid of being lost. But mostly afraid to stumble upon the exact area where he and Mildred had buried Mylo years ago.

But before he could, he stumbled upon a small white house with wooden stairs that led up to a single door with a window on each side.

As he approached it, he noticed a lot more. The roof looked like it would fall apart at any second, and the walls looked completely uncared for. Xavier hadn't been to Elias' house in a while. He felt like he shouldn't be surprised at how uncared for everything looked instead of the yard which was filled with colorful flowers.

As he walked up the stairs, they creaked silently, sounding like tiny screams of how weak it was.

He knocked.

No one answered.

After several days, someone answered. Elias opened the door and looked at Xavier. Bags under his dark, tired eyes. Elias' eyes had opened wide, examining Xavier's presence right away.

Xavier looked back directly at him, giving him a puzzled look that soon faded into a worried expression. "I wanted to visit you, Elias. I'm not sure if you saw my message." As he spoke, Elias began to look uncomfortable and puzzled. But Xavier didn't question any further. He was expecting a response, he was expecting a word from Elias. But he got nothing at all from him. He knows that Elias was always the silent kind of person. Ever since he was young, he never spoke with anyone too much. But there was something about his silence. Something about the look that Elias had given him as he tried to make eye contact. Xavier noticed clearer now; Elias must be in fear.

"You seem anxious, are you okay--"

"Do you ever think of your purpose, Xavier?" Elias interrupted him.

Xavier raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Well, of course." He lowered his tone.

"Do you ever think about why you are a vampire? Why you are so cruel?" Elias continued to ask, keeping his eyes straight at Xavier.

"Yes...of course I do. But you know that not all of us are cruel, we are just meant to rely on blood to survive."

"Do you ever think why?" Elias asked once more, seemingly desperate.

"Yes." Xavier simply replied, trying to find a reason for all these questions. Trying to see what went on Elias' mind through his eyes. Elias was slightly shaking; his eyes were barely moving—there was such desperation and exhaustion in those eyes, Xavier figured that he might be thinking of so many things. So many questions going on in that tired mind, trying to find answers to them. But he knew—or at least he hopes that other people know—that there can't always be answers.

"Elias." Xavier placed a hand on his shoulder. "I understand" He understands. "But not every question has an answer. Not everything has a purpose." Not everything has a purpose.

Not everything has a reason. Not everything has a purpose. Not everything has a reason to exist. Then why. Why exist?

"All we do is harm," Elias stated.

"We are still humans, of course, we harm. Everything works together. And that may be the only reason why things happen, and why he we exist." Xavier hoped that his words helped. He knew they helped, which is why he wrapped his arms around Elias, hoping to consume all the melancholy within Elias' heart.

Elias just stood there, his head over Xavier's shoulder. Feeling the warmth of his body, feeling the comfort, and nothing at all at the same time.

Xavier let go of him and looked directly into his eyes. They portrayed no fear—he hoped that he helped. He hoped that he had gotten all the pain out of Elias. He hoped that he helped. He didn't see a smile; he didn't see an expression. Knowing that Elias normally doesn't express his emotions through his face. He must have been feeling a little better. He looked at Elias' hand which was not trembling anymore—gladly. Though, he noticed that his fingers were skinnier, almost entirely bone.

He looked at Elias' face again, "You've been getting skinnier. Want to go eat something in a restaurant?" He asked.

"No thank you," Elias replied.

He spoke, he didn't sound as nervous as before. Xavier was happy. "If you say so. Just remember to eat a little." He smiled at Elias, hoping that he had helped.

Elias just nodded.

"I must go now. I just wanted to check up on you, take care." Xavier turned his back towards Elias and walked down the creaky stairs, hoping that he had helped.

He hadn't helped.

Xavier lays in his bed, staring at the ceiling unable to get Elias' questions out of his mind. The questions became his own. Has he ever thought of his purpose in being a vampire? All vampires had ever done was harm.

He had harmed his friend. He hadn't helped. Was he ever helpful? When he was a young boy, was he ever helpful? To his family, was he ever helpful? All he did was harm. Had his family ever caused harm? They were humans too. Of course, they had caused harm in some way.

No, he shouldn't be thinking that way. He knew he had no reason to think that way. He had no reason to think those things about the people who tolerated him enough to keep him in their house. He was the vampire. He was the one who had harmed them. He was harmful and still is. But why?

He knew he was harmful. He knew he was harmful and he accepted that sometimes he is harmful. Does he accept that he is sometimes harmful?

He held a tear from his eye as he knew. He knew that he was harmful. He knew that he could someday be guilty of a river full of blood. Did he accept himself for it? Did he know that there was no way to change his fate even though it made him so uncomfortable that he wished he could be flayed? Yes, of course, he did. He had no reason not to accept himself for these flaws.

But Elias, and even Mildred could not accept themselves for these things. Did he accept it?

No. He'd rather die. Yes, of course, he accepted that they felt these strong emotions. Everyone can feel this way. But oh, how healing it could be to see a smile on their faces. How healing it could be to not be a vampire.

He had almost laughed at himself, turning over to the other side of his bed where he was facing Nikki. She was in a deep sleep, how healing it was to see her. How stupid he must be to think of such ungrateful things, knowing that he is lucky to be alive even though he must be dying to feel the juicy texture and the metallic taste of blood. How stupid he is.

Tomorrow, he hopes to learn how to bake something new. And maybe it could unite the vampires again. How healing it could be. How healing it could be to not be a vampire.