put it down... (a tf2 scout angst + Speedingbullet)

meeeeow!

AN: I'M BACK MEINE LIEBE😻😻😻😻 tjird post in a day??? (go read my terrible advil fic) Im going crazy im going crazy i have work tomlorow kill me

TW: descriptive deep self harm, internalized homophobia maybe? Not rlly tho idk

Red team stumbled back into the barracks, exhausted from work. I ran to my room, flopping onto my bed. I groaned sinking my nails into my pillow as i hugged it aggressively. My pint up frustration boiled in my head, i had been avoiding it at work but now my thoughts were blaringly clear. I love sniper, but how can i hide it from the rest of the team. Nobody cares that medic and heavy share a room because they're both intimidating as fuck. But its still the 1960s. As progressive as the mercs were i still felt so scared of being perceived. What if they fire me. That thought shook me to my core, what would my ma think of me getting fired for being a little queer? I shivered, feeling a little ashamed of myself. I growled quietly through my nose in frustration. I hate doing nothing. My eyes wandered over to porno magazine on my nightstand, and the butterfly knife on top of it. I breathed silently, almost as if i was too loud someone would hear my thoughts. I knew exactly what i was about to do, i quietly picked up my knife, flipping it around in my hands fondly. Not as skillfully practiced as spy, remembering how spy knows i better not fuck up my wrists again. I sighed, checking if my door was locked before taking off my pants. I stared at my legs holding the knife softly against my thigh for who knows how long, lost in thought. It felt comforting somehow. Maybe I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm stressed out.

Press as hard as you can

I whispered in my mind. Before making the first gruesome slit. The tension of my skin pulled open the gaping wound as my exposed veins bubbled up with drops of fresh thick blood. I grimaced slightly, but it was more of a nervous grin. The blood oozed into the crack filling it. A small puddle built in the wound before over flowing and dripping freely down my thigh. I brought the knife back down digging it into the same cut and swiping it harshly. This time the blood squirted out quickly, spraying my bed with gore.

"FUCK," i winced. This time it hurt way more. I grabbed my blanket and pressed it onto the wound shivering in pain. Hopefully nobody heard me. My head began to pound from blood loss. "Shitshitshit" i mumbled, biting my lip. I needed medic, I really needed medic right now, i finally admitted to myself. But i didn't want the other mercs to see me like this. I put my pants back on (after a significant struggle and more excessive blood loss) and tried to stand only to fall back onto my bed dizzily. The blood had already soaked through my pants. And was dripping onto the bed leaving my vision static and speckled.

"MEDIc" i finally called out, swallowing my shame, and praying he heard me. It felt like an eternity until i heard footsteps. Followed by a rattling of my locked door. My vision went black as i half continuously listened to him.

"Liebe knock zhis down," i could hear Ludwig speaking softly through the wall

"What if boy is fine?" Heavy said, timidly not wanting to intrude.

"Now," medic commanded, sternly his voice dropped deeper when he was serious or worried like this. A loud crash echoed through my room as i finally lost consciousness.

An: i wish medic would sponge my blood out of a puddle with his underwear 😓