put it down... (a tf2 scout angst + Speedingbullet)

can u tell i have daddy issues irl? (hes dead)

Yay fanfic writing time.
Art is not mine but i thought ut was rlly cute aww just look at that.

Tw: drunkenness, panic attack, idk

Thanks space_0000 for the chapter idea 😭 bc i like, so have writers block rn.

-----scout pov--------

crunch

crunch

I heard someone following me, their footsteps loud and not trying to hide. I walked down the pebble road up to the barracks for a while before stopping angrily and turning around.

"UhgRGG- WHAT DO YA WANT" i screamed, throwing my now empty beer can behind me. "...just leave me alone" i rasped. Spy appeared with a poof of smoke.

"Jeremy calm down" he begged. A wave of guilt hit me realizing i had actually said all those things earlier.

Out loud.

In front of EVERYONE.

(Practically everyone anyway) "ah-.." i squeaked, my mouth feeling dry. "I-im 'orry" i gagged. Suddenly It felt like i was having a heart attack. I winced at the pain in my chest making it harder and harder to breathe.

"Scout!?" Spy questioned, he slowly and cautiously put a hand on my shoulder. "Scout, look at me, you're safe." My body shivered violently making my legs weak. I leaned on spy desperately trying to stay standing as my breathing picked up. I started crying, im not even sure if it was from the pain or sadness. No, it was from fear, pure panic.

"'-cout, scout, copain?" I looked up at spy, unable to form some sort of coherent response. "Could you try and take a deep breath, s'il te plaît?"(if you please). I stared at the man blankly before drunkly processing what he said. It was then i realized just how violently i was hyperventilating. My lungs felt like they were full of icy daggers.

"Y-ye" i gasped, through my chattering teeth.

"Don't try to talk, just breathe, everything is okay, shhh" the Frenchman comforted. "Can i hold your hands?" He asked, i slowly nodded confused. "Here, when i squeeze breathe in, oui?" I nodded again, and tried to do what he said. Why was he being so nice to me? Why do i have to be such a baby? After a few minutes my breathing was more manageable but still shaky. "Can you walk?" The spy asked. "We should probably get out of the road" he chuckled quietly.

"U-umm yea-h h?" I rasped horsely from crying. I wiped as much snot and tears off my face as i could. I stumbled forward drunk out of my mind, and really tired for some reason.

"Jeremy"

"Mn?"

"Its okay if you need help"

"...."

"..."

"I-i dmon't wanna get my gross fuggin snot on your suit" i slurred, looking at the ground. I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders. Spy crouched down a bit to support me.

"Don't get used to it" the older man sighed, helping me walk. He looked straight ahead. I couldn't tell if his expression was annoyance or pity, but i swear i saw a flicker of a smile. We got back to the barracks, ( a lot sooner than i would have managed by myself) and let ourselves in. The tear tracks on my face were now dry, but still evident. "You feeling any better?" Spy asked, in a soft tone i wasn't used to hearing from him. I didn't mind it though, it felt comforting.

"Yea.. I'mkay" i whispered, i felt so tired. Without a word he walked me over to his smoking room and sat me down one of the comfortable couches. He skittered off, i was afraid i might fall asleep until spy reappeared, carrying tissues and a glass of pink lemonade. He handed me the drink, and placed the tissues one the table beside me. I could have really used those thirty minutes ago.

Spy sat down beside me, pursing his lips in thought. "So.." spy found his words carefully. "What, ah, caused that?" He questioned. It felt unreal.

"Uhm" i thought back. "I gueess I've been a little stressed, It's nothing i can't handle tho" i scoffed, puffing out my chest. Could i really confide in spy? I felt a little scared to tell medic, because he might think I'm going insane. Something about the way spy always acted like he didn't care, I almost felt safe with him. Maybe I'm just drunk, who knows. "'m tired of this." I whispered, catching spys attention. "I'm so sick o' going to war every day, and for what? Some stingy old brothers?" I spoke fast slurring my words together. "I can't freakin sleep at night, every day is the same. Every night when i close my eyes and try to sleep it repeats itself: killing, watching people die, dying, respawning. I mean obviously, going into this i didn't expect to enjoy my job that much, its war. But i don't think i can do this anymore. Everything i used to find fun, has lost its spark." I ranted, the words fell so quickly off my tongue i wasn't sure what i was even saying. ᴵ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵈᶦᵉ ᵇᵘᵗ ᶦ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ᵗᵉˡˡ ʰᶦᵐ ᵗʰᵃᵗ
"I just want to disappear" i grumbled.

"Scout.. well, Jeremy, please don't do anything drastic." Spy, pleaded. His voice sounded drained and hallow. "I know it might not mean much, but me and the other mercs really care about you; especially doctor Ludwig, in his own slightly twisted way." Spy chuckled. "I'm.. glad you told me. Uh, can i give you a hug?" The older man asked, awkwardly.

"Sure" i mumbled, surprised that he bothered to ask. He pulled me into a tight embrace, melting my tense nerves. I'm glad that I'm not in trouble. I nuzzled into spys sholder, feeling safe for the first time in weeks. I must've fallen asleep, because i woke up back in my room. I groaned taking in my surroundings. My head throbbed of a hangover. But what surprised me wasn't how i got here, i could guess that much. No, i was surprised for a different reason.

I didn't have any nightmares.

Word count: 1013

An: I'm sorry for putting panic attacks in like every fic i write i just used 2 have them a ton. (I'm not actually sorry ahhaha)

rahh! hope u enjoyed. Have a good day everypony byee! >:D