City of Light

Quatorze.

Quatorze.

[ADRIEN]

Paris, France.

After I ran away from the hospital, I roamed around Paris aimlessly. If there was only away to cheat my way out of this situation, I would do it.

This should've been easy, right? I should know if I wanted to live or not. But somehow, I can't choose between the two.

Since my family died, I wanted nothing else but be with them again. There were even some nights that I prayed for death, that I don't wake up the next morning. I was so desperate to see my family again.

But Juliet was right. We were given a second chance at life. And I know, choosing death is cowardice. It's taking the easy way out. My family wouldn't have wanted this for me. Kung nandidito sila, alam kong gugustuhin nila na mabuhay pa ko, that I could live my life for them. But can I? I remember how miserable I was for the past two years. No amount of time that passed, places I've been to, or people I've met eased the pain of my loss. No matter what I do, it still hurt. I still missed my family so terribly that it feels like it's going to kill me.

And for the rest of the day, I did nothing but wander around.

Isa akong totoong ligaw na kaluluwa.

I went to the summer house where we used to stay during our summer vacations here in Paris. I remembered waking up at the smell of my mom's cooking. Tapos mag-uunahan kami ni Ate Aimee pababa ng hagdan at papunta sa kusina dahil mag-uubusan kami ng pagkain. Minsan mag-aaway pa kami nun. Yung sabunutan, hilahan, wrestling na klase ng pag-aaway ng magkakapatid. I smiled at the thought but that instantly disappeared when I remembered that losing Ate Aimee did not just meant losing a sister, I lost my best friend too.

Pumunta ako doon sa front yard nung bahay and I remembered playing there with my whole family. Nagtatakbuhan, naglalaro ng badminton. Minsan naglalaro kami ng water guns doon. Palagi naming pinagkakaisahang tatlo si Papa. Minsan naglalaro kami sa ulan at sa putikan. Dito kami tinuruan ni Papa na magbike. Ilang beses kaming nahulog ni Ate Aimee nung hindi pa kami masyadong marunong. Naaalala ko, tumatawa lang si Ate Aimee pag nahuhulog siya pero dahil bata pa ko nun, umiiyak ako. Tapos nagmamadali laging tumakbo papunt sa'kin si Maman para patahanin ako.

I had a lot of childhood memories with my family in this house. Every summer I spent here with my family is filled with precious memories. And the thought that I could never spend my summers with them again, that this house does not belong to us anymore, it makes me feel the grief of their all over again.

But when the night came, I returned to the hospital. Partly because I was afraid na bigla nang umalis doon si Juliet. I looked for the room kung saan siya dinala but when I found it, I couldn't muster the courage to enter. I just stayed outside her room. Hindi ko pa kayang makita siya. Because that meant confirming for real whether she couldn't remember me.

Kahit pa inaasahan ko nang hindi niya ko maaalala, a part of me was still clinging to a small ray of hope. That somehow we were different, that we were a exception or maybe that we were even special. That that rule won't work on us. That we would have surpassed the laws of nature and our memories won't disappear. It was futile and stupid but I couldn't stop myself from clinging to that hope.

That's why for two weeks, I waited outside her door as she recovered. Until the day came when she was discharged from the hospital.

I stayed in front of the ICU, katabi ni Tita Lizel na hanggang ngayon, iniiyakan pa rin ako. Sa totoo lang, nagiguilty na ko pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko pa rin magawang magdesisyon kung anong gagawin ko.