Fallout: Equestria, Project Horizons

Chapter 56: Royal Pains

Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons
By Somber
Chapter 56: Royal Pains

"Stay back! I just had myself groomed!"

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I shouted for the third time at the gray ghoul with the magnificent coiffeur. At least this time we were doing it in the privacy of King Awesome's bedchambers. Seeing the body was the first thing I'd demanded. I'd imagined that maybe this was some kind of joke or trick or... something. Seeing him lying in repose on his bed... witnessing the relaxed expression on his face.... Damnit! I'd liked the old stallion. He'd been the first pony I'd ever been able to talk to about Goldenblood and the O.I.A. He'd understood me! And now he was gone and I was Queen and... "Tell me you are fucking kidding me," I pleaded.
"Oh please. As if I'd waste my good humor on such tacky comedy," he said in fancy elocution. "The King named you his successor soon after you departed. And shortly before he did."
I levitated the crown off my head and set it in my hooves. "But... why? It doesn't make any sense! We only talked for a few hours and... and... I don't deserve this!" I said as I looked at the ring of shiny, gaudy... tasty-looking... metal in my grasp.
"Of course you don't. Honestly, do you think you were given that because you're suited to rule?" the ghoul said with a disdainful sniff. "King Awesome gave you rulership of the Society to save it from itself." He made a dismissive gesture with his hoof. "A powerful pony was needed. In fact, we sent a representative west a week ago to contact the Stable Dweller and bring her here. And if not her, somepony in Tenpony Tower. Or perhaps the celebrity DJ Pon3, if he could be tempted to mitigate his rantings. Even Red Eye, if none other could be arranged."
Excuse me? I inspected my friends to see if any of them were following this. Universal bafflement. Good. It wasn't just me, then. "I think you better explain in a bit more detail," Glory said, trotting up beside me and hugging me with a blue wing. "It'll help Blackjack get past the 'I don't deserve good things' shock if you tell her how this will bite her in the tail later on." Then she frowned at the ghoul. "I'm sorry, I don't believe I got your name."
"Hoity Toity. Equestria's finest fashion aesthete," he said proudly, clapping his hooves together. A colt scampered out from a corners of the room with a red threadworn pillow and set it down just as Hoity sat. The ghoul glanced at the boy and gave a peremptory wave of his hoof. "This is Epicure, my assistant."
The lime green colt rubbed his darker, pine-green mane. "Actually, my name's--"
"Tut tut! No time for that now," Hoity said impatiently. "I need you to go downstairs and find out what the Oranges think of this recent development. And see if you can find what Charm is saying to the Trotters. Also, find out how Grace is taking this. Oh, and if you can mention to Splendid that Blackjack seems quite composed, that'd work wonderfully."
The colt worked his mouth a moment, as if trying to remember all that, then sighed and nodded. "Yes, sir." He turned and walked for the door, glancing back at the rest of us with clear reluctance before slipping out. Composed? I wasn't composed! The only things keeping me from hyperventilation were my cyberpony lungs!
"A good lad, for raider stock. Has a talent for finding things out informally. Not as skilled as Paintie was... but I digress." He glanced at me and smirked. "My talents at critique don't end with the latest styles. Before the war, I made it a habit to learn the mercurial tastes of Equestria's elite and made sure my fashion reviews suited their attitude... within reason of course. Then, during the war, I devoted nearly as much time to looking over information for dear Rarity as I did setting the trends for the autumn season. Information gathering is quite complementary to fashion work."
We were talking about his past now? It seemed surreal. Maybe this was all the Goddess messing with my head some more? Or maybe I'd finally snapped? "I can't imagine that was useful after the bombs fell," Rampage said with a wicked little snicker.
"On the contrary! My discerning eye made acquiring the best goods far easier," he said with a gesture of wounded pride. "Perhaps we should abscond to somewhere... else," he said with a look over at the sheet covered body. "I can give you the history of this place."
I didn't respond; it was better than nothing, so I nodded. We stepped out and proceeded through the grand structure. Mostly grand. It was clear that entropy was nibbling at the faded velvet curtains and the patches of threadbare carpet. They'd done their best to hide the wear, but even the Society wasn't immune to reality. They just lived outside it.
As Hoity walked, servants and society ponies made way, bowing deeply to me, then whispering as soon as we passed. The ghoul ignored them, saying in grand tones, "The original Society were those stallions and mares who escaped the plebeian slaughter at Blueblood Manor. We'd invested significant resources in the Prince's shelter, only to discover that it apparently didn't exist. And when the riot broke out... well..." he sighed and shook his head. "Fifty of us crowded onto the Fleur when the bombs fell. So overloaded and with the world collapsing around us, we found ourselves at a loss. Fortunately, the Elysium Gardens was not a priority target for balefire bombs or other attacks, and we put down here. The country club had been exceptionally fortified during the war and had quite an extensive stock of supplies for hundreds of guests. The staff, however, were in utter disarray. Some had fled to rejoin families, while others were simply in shock. The manager had committed suicide in her office. Very disagreeable. So we did what we did best--"
"Started bossing people around?" P-21 asked with a frown.
"Of course," Hoity said without a bit of shame. "Fancy Pants became our leader. We provided order when there was none. The waitstaff and servants who remained were very pleased to have us put things in some semblance of civilization. It was anticipated that we'd have to wait a few months for things to be set right. Maybe even a year." He sighed. "Quite ironic, in hindsight."
"So what happened?" Scotch Tape asked, the filly eager for the rest of the story. We travelled down a staircase, into halls where there was much hustle and bustle in preparation for the Gala tonight. Even a royal death couldn't stop that party.
"Well, we anticipated that the skies would clear and the pegasi would help us rebuild. In fact, we were counting on it." He glanced at Glory, who ducked her rainbow-maned head and looked at her hooves. Now I was the one hugging her as Hoity Toity went on. "When that didn't happen, despair set in. If it hadn't been for Fancy Pants, we'd have been undone in the first year. When the radioactive snow cleared, we used the conservatory here to grow marginal crops while sending parties to find supplies around the Hoof. Things were... easier then. The savagery that you are so familiar with took time to evolve. Even so, though we managed our assets with care, when others came demanding we share them... well, violence was inevitable. But worse, there were elements within that thought they could do better. Fancy Pants was assassinated in his sleep by one of our own."
Hoity sighed, shaking his head at the memory. "Eventually, things decayed. Oh, there were still order and rules that made the Society the strongest group in the region, but the manners and principle were lost. Some even turned to...egghhh..." He trembled, lip curling in disgust. "...cannibalism. Not from necessity, but by choice. At that point, I had become the wretched creature you see before you and relocated to Hoofington Memorial Hospital. It wasn't until King Awesome assumed control of the Society, slew the most savage elements, and imposed expectations of dignity and respectability that I returned and assisted him. It's been two generations since then, but there are still some elements that cling to... uncivilized ways."
Maybe it was the cannibalism comment that snapped me out of my daze, or possibly it was that we finally arrived in the immense ballroom that served as the throneroom. A huge, ugly, gilded chair sat on a dais at the far side of the room. My seat, for the moment. "You talked for five minutes and still haven't explained why giving me a crown keeps all of you alive," I said crossly. "If there's this much plotting going on here, maybe it'd better to just wipe you all out after all. Given half of what I've heard you've done, it'd be no less than you deserve."
"Oooh!" Rampage grinned broadly at me. "Is that on the table? Tell me it's still on the table. I will sex you right now if we can smash them all into jelly!" Hoity looked a little nervous as he pulled out a lacy white fan and began waving it briskly before his face.
Glory sniffed disdainfully at Rampage's glee. "Oh, don't be ridiculous. Blackjack wasn't serious. Were you, Blackjack?" she said with a smile in my direction. When I looked back blankly, she frowned and amended, "About wiping them out?"
I blinked, flushed, and quickly added, "No. Of course not," then turned from her and muttered under my breath, "Mostly."
Rampage let out a feigned sneeze that sounded a lot like, "Whipped!"
"Only if she behaves," Glory replied with a smile at me that made me wish the floor would swallow me up... why was this happening now? Why at all? Damnit! All I'd wanted was to borrow an airship!
Hoity stared at all the rest of us, fan frozen and jaw dropped. "Nevermind them," P-21 said brusquely with a wave of his hoof. "You were telling us why Blackjack was chosen?"
The ghoul blinked his filmy eyes and seemed to get back on track. "Mmm yes. Well, you see, there was no lack of plots and schemes for when King Awesome passed. Some of the guards were receiving almost triple their pay in assorted bribes to act or not act when it happened. I'm fairly sure it would have come down between Charm and one of the lesser aristoponies, provided the serfs didn't revolt and try for a mass overthrow."
Then he snapped the fan closed and pointed it at me. "But there were no plans in place for you being given the throne."
"But... I... he..." I stammered, then tossed the crown as hard as I could at the ground. It pinged, bounced off the floor, flipped end over end, and landed neatly on Boo's head. "He used me!" The blank mare made a better queen than I did!
Hoity sighed and shook his head. "Oh please. On a scale from one to ten for being used, this barely rates a three. Three point five, tops." I shot the ghoul a murderous glare, and he snapped his fan open once more, turning away with a cough. "I understand if it is upsetting, but if you think it through, I think you'll see things aren't so bad."
"Go on," I growled.
He took a slow, deep breath. "Nopony planned for you to take over like this. Oh, there were contingencies for if you forced your way into power. That would have made the elements unite momentarily against you. But openly being given it? Never. So at the moment, a dozen or more conspirators are rearranging their plots and schemes to put themselves into power. Bribes have gone for naught. Weapons intended against guards are suddenly inadequate to face you and your friends. Even the serfs, who've been rumbling for years, have gone silent, waiting to see what will happen next."
"But that's hardly a long-term solution. It just paints an enormous target on Blackjack's head!" Glory protested crossly.
I sighed, rolling my eyes a little. "It's okay. I'm used to it." Maybe I was the best candidate after all...
"If she had any interest in actually staying put and ruling, certainly," Hoity said with a casual wave of his fan before leaning towards me. "You aren't really planning on giving up your quest, or search, or whatever for this, are you?"
"Of course not!" I retorted. Not like the Goddess would give me a choice. I could feel her will poking and tugging at my mind.
"So you leave. But before you go off on your merry way, you're going to need to pick somepony to run things here," he said with a sweep of his hoof at the throne room, once a ballroom for the resort.
"How is that any different from them just assuming the throne directly?" Glory asked with a frown.
Hoity sighed, "Because if they kill Blackjack's duly appointed regent, then Blackjack herself will return in a full fury of death and destruction. And out in the Wasteland, Blackjack has proven to be remarkably resilient against attack. Here, one might get lucky and assassinate her, but out there roaming the Hoof? Unlikely."
"So all Blackjack's gotta do is appoint somepony to run things here, and she can go on her way?" Scotch Tape asked.
Hoity sniffed delicately, "A succinct appraisal."
"Good! Now you can pick somepony who can make things better for the serfs here," P-21 said with the first real smile I'd seen since we'd arrived.
It was short-lived as Glory countered, "Now wait a minute, P-21. The serfs already live much better lives than almost everypony in the Hoof. Think of the good the Society can do for the entire region!"
Rampage snorted and rolled her eyes. "Please. These bastards couldn't do good with a gun to their head. Just take whatever you need and move on. This place isn't worth your time."
I felt the Goddess pressing on my skull. Unicorns. I should use the Society to send unicorns to Maripony! An alliance with the Goddess! It'd facilitate her creations of new male alicorn stock once LittlePip arrived with the book.
I staggered and swung my head back and forth as Glory said sharply, "Blackjack, tell him that it's better to help the many rather than a few who are already better off!"
"I... but..." I tried to think.
"Blackjack, you promised!" P-21 snapped, his eyes hardening. "Or is this part of the plan?"
"No. I..." If everypony could be quiet a second and let me put two thoughts together.
"These people, with a little reform and effort, have the ability to help more ponies in the Wasteland than any! If you'd stop being so overemotional and apply a little reason, you'd see that!" Glory said in exasperation.
P-21 huffed, his eyes narrowing to very shooty slits. "Oh. So I'm being hysterical, huh? You sound just like the ponies in Medical! I'm just a hysterical male, is that it?" P-21 snarled at her.
"Come on, Blackjack. They have a frigging menagerie!" Rampage snorted.
"Oh, we closed that gaudy thing down years and years ago," Hoity countered.
"Okay, fine. Had. We should still stomp them into jelly. I know Big Daddy would approve. Hey! Make him regent!" Rampage crowed eagerly.
"Certainly not. Only a Society pony would do!" Hoity retorted. Rampage began to grin murderously at the ghoul.
"You're not thinking straight because of 99!" Glory yelled in P-21's face. P-21 looked ready to tackle her! And I couldn't think of way to stop them; they didn't recover from bullets to the brain, after all. I was witnessing my friends tearing themselves apart before my eyes.
"Hey! You don't get to bring up 99! You don't know what they did to my daddy!" Scotch Tape snapped. "I think he's right!" P-21 blinked and looked in surprise. Still, while Scotch had dissipated a little of his anger with her support, I could see he was one dismissive remark from exploding.
I wanted to shake, but my synthetic body wouldn't! I wanted to breathe hard, but my body couldn't. All I could do was twist up tighter and tighter within myself. I trotted away from the others. "Quiet," I ordered. They didn't notice as they continued to shout and jabber louder and louder. The Goddess was a thudding headache bashing at my brain. I grit my teeth as I stared at the throne at the far side of the ballroom, a goddesses-awful eyesore of gilt metal. I didn't know if it was the Goddess or my own frustration and anger. "Everypony! Shut! Up!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"Blackjack?" Glory asked from behind me.
"I beg your pardon?" Hoity blustered.
"Look, if you want me to start killing we can work alphabetically..." Rampage began, reasonably.
I whirled on all of them, feeling a rage building up inside me. "Leave!" I felt the surge building more and more inside my horn. "Me!" I roared at all of them. "Alone!" I wanted to be somewhere else! Anywhere else!
And then the world disappeared in a lavender burst of light.