Fallout: Equestria, Project Horizons

Chapter 37: Winning and Losing

Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons
By Somber
Chapter 37: Winning and Losing
"Clock is ticking, Twilight! Clock! Is! TICKING!"

Sanguine grabbed the bleeding Charity by her mane and leapt out through the hole in the wall. I looked over at the struggling Glory and shouted over the din, "Lacunae! Get those off her!" Five words. Five little words. Then I was off, racing through the rainy night towards the bridge as fast as my cyberpony legs would carry me. I didn't slow, even as he did ahead of me; he turned to face me, but I didn't let him get one word out before I tackled him away from the prone filly. Smashing and kicking with my metallic limbs, I drove him back.
Pink vapor erupted from his mouth, but I knew that trick now. I held my breath and leaned my head away; it burned. Burned like nothing I'd ever felt before. But I couldn't worry about that as I kept focusing on moving him back and away from his hostage. Glory landed and immediately put a healing potion to the filly's lips.
"You fool! Give me the program!" he screamed in maddened fury.
"Only thing you get... is... mercy!" I shouted as I gave him one final applebuck that sent him flying across the word painted on the bridge. There was a red glow from the wall, then a blinding flash, and Sanguine was reduced to so much ash and washed into the river. "And you don't even deserve that, you undead fuck."
I limped back to where Glory was getting Charity to her hooves. "Took you long enough," the filly said, still a bit weakly. "I should be chargin' you a hero fine for taking so long."
"I... I came as fast as I could!"
"Yeah, yeah... sorry, not buying it. Five hundred caps."
"Oh, come on!" I whined. Glory smiled and we trotted back towards Chapel together.

~ ~ ~

Yeah... why hadn't I done that?
I lay on my back on Marigold's bed, staring at the stars painted on her roof as I held the Rarity figurine to my chest. Right this second, Sanguine was doing whatever nefarious thing he'd been planning. Some horrible monster in the Hoof had woken up, and it was apparently my fault. Priest was rotting. Scotch was way more traumatized than she showed. P-21 was in shock. Glory was trying to hold us all together like a great big dysfunctional surrogate family. Even Rampage was hurt badly by the loss of Priest.
What does it mean when the sanest one of us is the alicorn who's the depository for Celestia-knows-how-many-ponies' unhappy memories?
I knew I shouldn't do this. I knew that I should be talking with my friends... or working towards something... or... something... but not this. I couldn't help myself. I closed my eyes and sighed.
I'd failed.
That in itself wasn't anything new. In fact, I was quite the expert at screwups, fuckups, and various associated mistakes. But something about what had happened on that bridge bothered me in ways that failing to get out of hoofcuffs didn't. It was sticking with me, and I couldn't just shake it off. I lay there, knowing what I needed to do. It was just me having to get off this mattress and do it.
But I couldn't.
I needed to chase down Sanguine. I needed to be there for P-21 and Rampage. I needed to make sure Scotch was okay. I needed to take some of the weight off Glory's shoulders. I was drowning in all the things I needed to do. And all I did was shift on to my side and curl up. I wanted the Dealer to appear and say whatever I needed to hear to get moving again.
I had to get moving again. Because, as I lay there, I felt my mind sinking into memories. Scoodle torn in two... why hadn't I listened to her? Why hadn't I been more cautious? Going into the tunnels and ignoring the risk... why didn't we try and go around? Wait for Lacunae to fly or teleport us across? Convince Rivets... stop the Overmare...
Failure was my special talent, and I was doing it right now.
"Blackjack?" Glory said in her tiny voice. Brittle. I slowly lifted my head and saw her with a plate of blackened food. "I made you something... in case you were hungry." She trotted over slowly and put the charred Sugar Apple Bombs and Sparkle-Cola RAD cakes on the mattress beside me. I suspected that the four forks were part of the meal. I closed my eyes and lay my head back down.
"I'm sorry," Glory said softly behind me. "If I hadn't broken my rifle... you can't really snipe with a gatling weapon... and he had the gun to her head..." She finally went silent. "If I'd jumped when P-21 did... gone left instead of right... I wouldn't have gotten pinned. It's my fault."
Don't let her do this. Don't let her hurt herself. Hug her. Hold her. Tell her it was your fault. Try to make her laugh. Do something other than lie here! Move your ass and do something. Anything! But I couldn't. Sanguine had won. I'd lost. I might have saved Charity, but somehow I'd lost what I'd been fighting for. Somehow, it'd torn all the guts from me and left me hollow.
"I'm sorry..." she repeated, then trotted from the room. I clenched my eyes shut. I knew I wouldn't sleep. I couldn't use my horn to get away into a memory orb. Every second, Sanguine was getting farther and farther away and I was just lying here! Move, you worthless piece of shit! People need you. People believe in you! Do it!
I moved. I carefully pushed the plate into the garbage bin beside the bed and then curled back up. I looked at the Rarity figurine. She seemed to understand wallowing in... whatever ponies wallowed in. She had wanted a different life; had things been different, would she have wed Vanity? Become a mother? Been known for her fashion rather than for being a Ministry Mare? But she had done what she had to do. She'd toughed it out. I closed my eyes again, pressing my face into my pillow.
What was I doing? Moping in my room. I wanted P-21 and Rampage to come in here and kick my ass. Get me off this bed. Get me moving again. Something. And then, as if reading my mind, I heard a soft knock, followed by, "Blackjack?" Rampage's voice. I didn't even take a look at her.
Things I should be doing right now: not lying here. Helping my friends. Hunting down that murderous son of a bitch. Something! Every second I lay here, he was getting farther away... making new monsters... about to flee to Red Eye... something. Get me up, Rampage. Get me drunk. Something. Anything!
Instead, she stood there for the longest time, and then she closed the door again. I guess there were some things Rampage couldn't do after all. I curled up till my nose touched my hind knees. I felt like I had at Star Point, only not capable of blowing my brains out any longer. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to get off this bed and go do what I had to do.
The Hoofington rain was pouring on the roof again. I was warm and dry, thanks to this gift from Priest. And here I was, moping and letting his killer get away. I thought of Dusty dying in my hooves and how disgusted she would have been. What is wrong with me, I thought as I clenched my eyes shut. Get up! Move your legs, you fucking loser! You fucking reject! You couldn't save Scoodle! You couldn't save 99! You can't save anypony lying in bed, you dumbass! Move! Move! Go! Do what you have to do! Do it!
Instead, I started to cry.
It'd been too much. Too much too fast... Not just my arrival back in the Hoof... but in Tenpony. And before that... on the boat... and then when I was trying to stop a war because I only had a few weeks to live. And the tunnel... P-21's suicide attempt... Star Point... For the last month, I'd been hit again and again, but no matter how horrible it was, I'd always felt like I was keeping on my hooves.
Of all the things I'd been through... this was what broke me? A bed?
Then the door opened a third time, and I felt his eyes on me. I knew they were hard and scornful. Hateful, even. I'd killed his first lover and now lay here crying when I should be going after the pony who'd killed his second. Do whatever you have to do, P-21. Anything. Yell at me. Hit me. Shoot me.
"Blackjack... we're going after Sanguine in the morning," he said in a voice infinitely softer than I deserved.
I just sniffled like a loser. "I'm sorry. I keep thinking about what I should have done."
I wanted him to hurt me. I knew the perfect line: 'Gee, Blackjack, I keep thinking about what you should have done too. Maybe... I dunno... not gotten the pony I loved killed? Again. That might have been a good idea.' Perfect zinger right now.
"We all are," was what he actually said. He sat on the edge of the bed. Maybe he'd shove me off and beat me while he was at it. I hated myself so much that I'd beat myself if I could figure out how to move. Instead, he simply rested his hoof on my shoulder. "You don't have to come with us."
I froze, my eyes opening to stare at the wall. What?
"Scotch has your Delta's PipBuck tag. Lacunae's going over to the manor to soak up enough radiation to teleport us to Zenith Bridge to try and cut him off, and as soon as we get there, she's going to find Stronghoof while Rampage rounds up whatever Reapers she can. We'll get it back." He patted my shoulder. "Rest. We'll be back in no time."
I shook under his hoof; I didn't think I could tighten up any further. "I'm sorry, P-21." Come on, P-21. 'I'm sorry too. Sorry you're a failure. Sorry I didn't realize how weak you are. Sorry I never appreciated what a fuckup you are. Sorry you keep killing ponies I care about.' Come on, P-21! Say it.
"Don't worry about it," he said as he patted my shoulder again. "Rest up. We can take care of one ghoul."
Rest? Hadn't that been what Tenpony had been for? Or was that just an opportunity for me to make a jackass of myself? Talk to him! Speak, Blackjack! Tell him to drag you along. Tell him to beat you with a stick. Get out of that bed!
Instead, I closed my eyes. "Sure." Damn it, P-21. You promised...
He left, closing the door behind him. Maybe he was right. Maybe without me charging in all the time, they'd be better off. Zodiac had given her organs to the wrong pony. My mental paralysis fed my hate and my hate fed my paralysis. I had to move. I had to act... but I'd just get them killed. Hurt.
Because I was a fuckup.
A failure.