‼️ TW- mental breakdown, hyperventilating, crying, —THOUGHTS— of sh and suicide ‼️
4 something pm::
i cut my left pointer finger on a can.
i watch it bleed.
what if it had cut lower
what if it was your wrist
something says inside of me
7ish pm::
i start the shower
i plan to get in like everyday
i mess around beforehand
listening to music
some time passes.
i don't know how long.
the shower gets weaker
and weaker.
i turn of my music and open the door
the pressure is barely anything.
'don't waste water and get in the shower'
my dad's words echo my mind.
i get in.
hoping time will help.
hoping they won't notice.
i sit there.
echoing hasn't stopped.
i breathe faster.
what have i done.
i let it run for too long
ive been warned
they're gonna be so mad at me
im gonna get into so much trouble
i hope they don't notice.
i get lightheaded.
this goes on for a few minutes.
a knock at the door.
"yeah?"
"were you taking a shower?"
fuck
fuck
fuck
they noticed
they noticed
he noticed
"yeah, i'll be out in a minute"
liar
liar
liar
"okay"
he goes up to my brother's room.
asks the same.
i look up,
eyes messy with water droplets and mascara.
tears rolling down grey cheeks.
what if i did it.
what would happen.
i look up to the shelf with my razor on it
it wouldn't be bad, right?
ive done it twice before,
you know what they say:
'third time's a charm!'
i shake my head,
getting up and out.
"Dinner!" he texts to the family gc
"ill be down in a minute"
wash off the mascara.
wash off the tears.
do something.
don't let them see.
they'll pry.
not even to mention the confusion with your feelings.
you cant.
be single for once.
don't like anyone for once.
go back to what you were.
stop your heart from beating faster.
stop the butterflies.
just stop.
