Feels too Good

Prologue

Long nights. Short days. Endless tasks.

Sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder, how does it feels to have fun? I often find myself longing for a break from the hell I'm in, craving the opportunity to let loose and enjoy life without any responsibilities weighing me down.

"Amaris, pwede mo bang bilhin ang mga 'to? We needed that as soon as possible." One of my seniors said as he gave me the list of items I need to buy. I stared at the list of items given to me, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment that my brief moment of escapism was once again cut short.

"Sige po." Sagot ko.

I've been working for this company for four years already. This wasn't my dream. I never dreamed of working in this kind of corporate environment. But here I am, trying to make the most of it while still yearning for a taste of freedom outside these office walls. In my four years of working, my life has been the same. Ngayon, papasok ako sa office tapos uuwi sa bahay kinagabihan. Kinabukasan, papasok ulit at magtatrabaho maghapon tapos ay uuwi na naman kinagabihan. That's my life; nothing special. Nothing exciting at all.

Minsan napapaisip na lang ako kung bakit ba ako nasa ganitong sitwasyon? I've been working my whole ass ever since. As a working student, akala ko magtatapos lahat ng paghihirap ko kapag nakapagtapos na ako. Sabi ko pa noon, excited na akong magtrabaho at mahawakan ang buong oras ko na siyang di ko nagagawa kahit kailan. But I was wrong. The reality of the daily grind hit me hard, and I realized that the freedom I longed for may not be as easy to achieve as I thought. Now, I find myself yearning for the freedom I have been wanting for. Kaso, hindi naman ako pwedeng tumigil sa pagtatrabaho. I have mouths to feed and lives to sustain.

As I walked back to our office after fetching the things that we needed for our next project, my phone rang. Mabilis ko itong kinuha sa bag at binasa ang pangalan ng caller. It was my brother.

"Ate..." Sabi niya sa kabilang linya. Sadness and concern were evident in his voice, making my heart sink. I knew something was wrong. "Bakit? May problema ba?" Tanong ko pa, feeling nervous as I wait for the bad news.

"Makakapunta ka ba rito? Sabi ni doc... masama na raw ang lagay ni Nanay." My heart dropped at the mention of my mother's deteriorating condition. I knew I had to drop everything and rush to be by her side. Without any hesitation, mabilis kong nabitawan ang mga dala ko at kumaripas na papunta ng hospital.

My mother has been bedridden for one year now. Her health has been steadily declining, and I couldn't bear the thought of not being there for her in her time of need. She has a weak heart. Akala namin noon, nerbyosa lang talaga siya. After seeing my brother get injured, bigla na lang siyang natumba and was rushed to the hospital. Sabi ng mga doctor, mahina na ang puso niya at kinakailangan na ng heart implant. Kaso, isang taon na ang nakakalipas at wala pa rin kaming mahanap na heart donation para sa kanya.

"Nasan siya?" tanong ko nang makita ang kapatid ko na umiiyak sa labas ng hospital room. I could feel my heart racing as I entered the hospital room, unsure of what I would find. Nang pumasok ako, the sight of my mother lying weakly on the hospital bed sent a wave of emotions crashing over me. The doctor said she had another heart attack, which was very serious this time. I feel so helpless.

Bakit ganito ang buhay? Bakit kailangan mangyari ito sa kanya? I couldn't help but wonder why life had to be so cruel, why these things had to happen to her and to me. The uncertainty of the situation weighed heavily on my shoulders as I struggled to find a sense of hope amidst the despair.

I've been working so hard and giving up all of my happiness because I believed that it would all be worthwhile, but why? Bakit ganito ang nangyayari samin? I spent the whole night working as a server and dishwasher at a fast food chain restaurant while everyone else was out having a good time.