Life till Death

Clock

I remember crying every day like clockwork, 
The burning pain craving an outlet. 
I remember crying and shrieking, 
Without a single sound escaping my mouth.

Then why now, when I could really use a good cry, 
Do the tears refuse to fall? 
An ominous numbness holds me tightly, 
I feel like a broken chord, unable to produce the right sound.

At what point did I break this much, 
To lose myself to the void? 
At what point in life did I take the wrong turn, 
To ruin my whole being?

I thought I got better. 
I thought I was fine. 
I thought this was the highest point I could reach. 
Certainly not, 
Not after destroying all that makes me human.

Can I be forgiven? Can I even forgive? 
Or is it too late? 
Was my perception of self that crooked? 
I can't tell what is right, 
What is wrong anymore.

All I have left is the rage, 
For all that wronged me into being who I am today. 
Do I hate myself? I can't even tell. 
Maybe I love myself too much, 
Trying to protect and preserve my being, 
Only to realize I am gripping at sand, 
That slips through my fingers.

I don't know how to rewind the clock, 
To reset it all and start over again. 
I made a mistake with myself. 
I want to correct it. 
Or is it too late for that?

-8april, 2024