For My Deadly Sins

JUDGMENT

I was falling. I should've been dead and yet here I was hurtling through wind and sky, inching towards the ground with each passing second. In no time I would be nothing but splattered bones and bits against the white floor. As I prepared to scream, nearing my second death, a soft wind pushed against me, arresting my fall mid-air. I took in a deep breath as I collapsed in a heap on a bronze plate of a balance. I was still clad in my blood-splattered wedding dress, now dried out but unsettling all the same.

Before I could scan my surroundings and make sense of where I was, a flash of light erupted through the sky, effectively blinding me, Instinctively, I rose my hands. to cover me eyes and then there He was.

In all of his grandeur and in all that was holy. He stood before me in white roman drafted robes, twenty feet tall with impeccable blond hair that ruffled gently in an unknown wind and crushing blue eyes as alluring as a stormy sea and pinned me down with his stare. I knew Him. This was God. I would be saved, rewarded for my deeds, I knew it deep in my bones.

"Petrah Von Berghert." His voice boomed.

I lowered my head respectfully, and the first thing that I said to God, The God, was, "I'm sorry my lord, I do not go by the that name." I murmured. Internally I winced. Wise people would not have even opened their mouth without being asked by the great lord. But wisdom be damned, I did not want to hear that name after my own ever again.

He stared at me with great intensity as if he could see right my mortal shell, right to the twisted broken soul that laid irreparable in me. "Gustaf Von Berghert, the great emperor of Zorras, is your husband is he not? He who gave you the title of empress of Zorras?"

Great emperor my ass. The only thing the drunkard was great at was finishing a bottle in ten seconds flat. But it'd kept him from declaring war on our neighbouring kingdoms, when drunk and addled with desire, all he wanted was my body. Still keeping my head lowered, I responded, "Gustaf ceased being my husband when he died."

"When you killed him." He corrected.

"For the future of my empire, such sacrifices had to be made, my Lord." I tried to stifle the bite in my voice, but to no avail. There was so much hate I felt for the former emperor but... Fool, I was such a fool, to speak back to God himself...

"What you claim to be for better, is a sin. When you killed the great Emperor, you sinned."

I blinked in surprise, surely God would have known my motive was pure. "If a sin is carried out keeping the lives of a million others in mind, its no sin." I said tightly

"Very well then, let's see how I must reward you seeing how you lived your life." he said.

I sighed in relief. This was God. God who was fair and just. God who saved those who suffered and repaired their souls. God who brought back the souls beyond repair and fixed them again. I was going to be saved.

On the other plate of the balance, was kept a heart. My heart, I realised with a start, and from it erupted an astral projection and it showed moments of my life, flitting past, each and every second recorded as it was. The years spent of training, the killing, the years on the battlefield, the marriage to Gustaf, the times when I served him a bottle of alcohol each time he tried to bring the empire to war.
This...why were only the bad memories surfacing up?

I dared a glance at God but he kept his eyes straight ahead never once breaking his concentration.
More moments flashed past. The times I took contraceptives to prevent myself from bearing his child, the times I had him restrained by the guards when he became too unruly, the times I cancelled out his imperial orders, and finally the day I beheaded him ending his rule.

Silence descended, He looked at me, brows raised, "Tell me Petrah, were these also for the greater good?"

I stiffened and made myself look at him directly in the eyes, "Yes. Everything I did was for my empire."

"But you were Emperor Gustaf's wife first. It doesn't seem you have treated your husband well. That was your first and foremost role. Obeying his orders, bearing
his children...those are the duties of a wife."

I narrowed my eyes at him, incredulous as cold anger built up in me slowly. "Oh.....and I should've let him hurt me, abuse me, and I should've definitely let him send my people to war, sending them to their funeral." I said harshly, "If I didn't kill him when I did, my people would have been slaughtered. They were recovering from a long tumultuous war and the first thing to do after, is to send them to another war...to what? Die?"

"The Emperor had kept the honour off his empire in his mind as any great emperor should. With his imperial orders, the money as taxes would've helped rebuild the army, in development of weapons and cavalry." He said, imperious. "You canceled them."

"Because my people had suffered enough. There were famines, broken roads and buildings, destrücted houses, Innumerable families who lost their sole source of income and I was supposed to use their hard earned money for war? For something other than development and restoration?" My voice shook, "So many, so many good people were lost at the battlefield, so many who wanted nothing more than to see their families again, so many dreamers who lost their dreams. The empire lost so much when one emperor wanted a good long ego stroke, I was not going to let another one ruin what I fought for." I stared him down my face set, lips a thin line. My voice quivered with emotion. I'd fought, everyday, every single day so that the innocent, the depraved, wouldn't have had to live in fear anymore, wouldn't have to wake up everyday wondering if it was their last.

"Enough." he commanded, unruffled by my retorts and my rage, "You sinned Petrah, You killed a great many. I would have pardoned you for that but you killed the Emperor, that is an unforgivable sin. You feel no remorse for your actions and your fate has been rightly dealt. You are thereafter banished to hell. My judgement is final."

That was it. Everything I had done, all my actions amounted to nothing. He'd decided I was guilty without a doubt and I was going to burn in hell. I opened my mouth, to say what I didn't know. The hollowness inside me deepened. This was it. I was done. I was going to burn in hell.

"Please..." I trailed off. What was I even asking for? A second chance. But...did I want a pardon from someone who saw my efforts as sins?

He contemplated for a moment. "If you had not been as adamant, if you had merely begged for forgiveness, I would have pardoned you, I pity your state, for you have helped your people as well. I'll give you one more chance to apologise to Gustaf." he said.

"I would rather die a hundred times over than apologise for my actions. if I could, I would sin over and over again than beg for forgiveness." I snarled. Damn second chances, I would never ever apologise for my actions.

His eyes flared in anger at my words, "Women like you have no place in heaven, no redemption. Your defiance has cost you your life."

Before I could decipher what he meant by 'women like me', with a wave of his hand, in sudden flash of light, I was falling again to a great unknown before I blacked out.