Lost in Shadows

Chapter Eighteen

My only companion was the silence of death. A macarbe melody no one can escape when the breath stops and a body stills. When the spark of life is extinguished and nothing is left but the vessel. A horror to some and a blessing to others. I had no memory of my own death. The last thing I ever saw was Lilith's scarlet eyes. Then a void until I opened my eyes to a world that was now brighter and louder. For the longest time, I desired the silence and feared the nothingness.

I sat on the floor while Anna's body remained on the bed. Still stained with her blood, I wanted to scrub away the evidence of my sins, but refused to leave her alone until she was reborn. The guests left the gathering. I heard Elizabeth's faint voice tell Charlotte that they needed to go. Charlotte protested for a bit and then her scent lessened, telling me she was gone. Henry's voice and a few others still rang out in the house, but no one came to see me. It had been hours since I heard Raphael. Despite my hopes that Lilith was gone, I knew better than to expect it.

Seconds crawled by as I waited for Anna to rise. It would be a terrible experience to awaken in the room of her death. I supposed it could be worse. When I first rose, it was on Lilith's bed. Surrounded by scattered rose petals and soft candlelight, nothing could mask the horror of having my killer at my side, stroking my hair.

The gravelike silence grew more oppressive. My thoughts started screaming louder, becoming impossible to ignore as I kept my vigil beside a dead body.

"I never wanted to kill anyone," I said to Anna's body, as if it could grant me absolution. "I fought so hard to never reach that point. Lilith would put me in situations where it was almost impossible to push down my instincts." After days of denial, a helpless, wounded person locked in a room with me. Each time, it grew harder to fight my need for blood. "The joke is that it was only when I was on my own that it happened. I think it was 1940. Or 39. All I remember is that I had seen Wuthering Heights."

Merle Oberon's passionate performance had kept me in my seat, ignoring the intoxicating scents around me. In the theater, I almost felt like a human again. But reality hit me like a slap in the face when the film ended. I rushed to a bar and drank what would never be enough for me.

I cleared my throat. "It was late and the hunger was maddening. I never had enough blood, and I hoped drinking would distract me. When I thought I had it under control, I left. I should've gone home, but I heard screams from an alley. Some man was trying to be the twentieth century Jack the Ripper. If I were a better person, I'd say I wanted to save the woman. But I wanted to feast, and it was all I could do not to kill her, too. When I finished with the man, I saw the way she looked at me. I was a monster."

Of course, no response from Anna.

"I didn't feel guilty, but knew that was wrong." I linked my fingers together, stained with blood from now and the past. "Maybe that's why I helped a blood promised get away from Raphael. I was caught and handed over to Lilith to correct. She forced me to watch Raphael kill the blood promised. Yes, this wasn't the first time I failed." I let out a pained laugh. "Then Lilith locked me away for a year. She starved me to teach me. It was the first time I felt like a corpse. I wasn't sure if I would ever see any light again. When she finally let me out, it was only if I would prove my nature." Decades haunted by desperate screams that still stole my sleep. The image of empty eyes that would never see again. "Lilith gave me a choice whether to have this woman join us or eat her. I couldn't force another person into this monstrous existence."

When Lilith found me on the floor with the dead woman, she pressed her lips together as if it wasn't what she wanted. Too shaken at the time for it to register, I had plenty of time to reflect on that unexpected moment. I wasn't sure if she would have preferred me to turn the woman instead of killing her. Maybe she wanted me to take pleasure in it. There were even times when I almost believed she wanted me to do something else. Choose to be locked up instead of taking the life. Find some way to save her. If Lilith was hoping for something more, I failed her.