I'm New York City

eight

"You know what? Come inside" Blake whispered as she pulled me in and shut the door behind her.

There was no one around, guessing that everyone was upstairs. I saw Sage's backpack on the coffee table as we sat down on the couch.

"Spill" Blake said, crossing her legs as she stared straight into my eyes.

I sighed, not knowing what to say. I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, I didn't want to disappoint anyone even though it wasn't my fault.

"I had a miscarriage a couple days ago" I said in a low voice, staring down at my lap.

I heard her gasp as she reached for my hands. "Taylor, who knows?" she asked.

"Only Joe. We were planning on telling the kids soon, but obviously...." I mumbled.

The pregnancy was definitely not planned since we were very much content with our two girls, but I was kind of hoping that I was going to have a boy this time around. I was most afraid to tell Sage when we first found out, now that isn't a problem, but I still need to tell them that I miscarried. I didn't want to hide anything from them, they both deserve to know.

"I'm so sorry babe. How have you been feeling? Is there anything we can do for you, for you and Joe?" Blake asked.

I shook my head, "No, it's fine. I've been okay, I think. I have been trying to focus on the kids more and with this stuff going on with Sage, it's made me even more anxious. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. Blake, I'm scared if this gets too bad that she'll do something to herself", I confessed.

"I understand, don't worry, I wouldn't let anything bad happen to her and you know James wouldn't either. I do think she needs to be out of school for a while though, but not forever. Think about it, okay?" Blake said, tilting her head.

I don't know about that decision. We could perfectly home school her at home, but at the end of the day, it's her decision.

"I'm just worried" I sighed.

We heard footsteps coming down the stairs and soon enough, James and Sage walked into the living room. Sage looked at me with wide eyes while James looked annoyed.

"W-What are you doing here?" Sage stuttered.

I stood up, walking over to her. "Babe, I just want to make sure you're alright" I said with a small smile.

She shook head and as I looked at her, her eyes were still red.

"I will be fine" she mumbled.

I grabbed a hold on her hand, but she didn't hold onto mine back. "Let's go home, baby" I said, making her shake her head.

"I left for a reason. I don't want to go home, at least not now" she said.

"Taylor, how about she stays the night? I'll call you guys in the morning" Blake said, walking over to us.

I shook my head, looking at Sage disappointed. My worst nightmare was coming true once again.

"Sage, we're going home" I said sternly.

I felt Blake put her hand on my shoulder, but I brushed it off. Still holding onto Sage's hand, I started pulling her over to where her bag was on the table.

"Mom, let go!" she yelled out.

I shook my head as tears were threatening to spill out. I came here for my daughter and I was going to be leaving, with her.

"Sage, please I don't wanna hear it right now. We will talk in the car or once we get home, alone" I said, looking at her as tears came out of her eyes, but no words came out of her mouth.

"I hate you" she whispered in the lowest tone possible, but still audible for all of us to hear.

I stopped in my tracks, never expecting to hear that from my own daughter. I squeezed her hand tighter as I searched her face, waiting for her to take it back; she didn't.

Blake ran over to my side, whispering into my ear, "Leave her here for the night, I've got it".

I slowly dropped Sage's hand, still shocked of what came out of her mouth. I looked at her face that now had no expression. As I left, I closed their door behind me, quickly covering my mouth, trying to quiet my sobs. I ran to my car, dropping my head onto the steering wheel as I let my tears fall freely.

"S-Sage" I stuttered, looking up at their window.

I failed her.

When I arrived back home, I was met with Joe sitting on the couch, staring straight at me. Once I saw him, I started sobbing again, making him run over to me, wrapping his arms around me.

"She didn't want to come home, she said she hates me!" I cried into his chest.

He rubbed my back, "Shhh, she didn't mean it". I know she did.

That night, I went into Ivy's bedroom to tuck her into bed. I held her in my arms as I sang her favorite song, 'Never Grow Up' making her fall asleep instantly. I was glad I didn't have to finish the song, knowing it was also Sage's favorite and I used to sing it when she was younger. 

"I love you" I kissed her forehead, turning off her light.

I joined Joe in bed who looked at me with a sad expression, but gave me a smile. He pulled me closer to him as I got under the covers and I snuggled into his embrace.

"I texted Blake, asking how Sage is" he said.

I looked up at him, "What'd she say?".

"She didn't respond, but it is night time, so maybe they went to bed early" he said, making me nod my head. I knew that Blake saw it and just didn't want to respond.

"This hurts so much, Joe" I whispered into the darkness.

After trying to cope with my miscarriage and then trying to figure out when to tell the kids that I lost their sibling, this wasn't making anything better.

"We'll get there this. Sage is just going through something and we need to give her space, okay? She doesn't hate you, I promise" he said, pressing a long kiss onto my forehead.

Joe started to rub my back in a circular pattern, making me even tireder. I was trying my hardest to fall asleep, but every time I closed my eyes, I forced them open; knowing Sage wasn't home.