I'm New York City

fourteen

"Hey, come to the room babe. Let's talk," Mom said, as she walked out of the office room. 

I felt more annoyed than nervous that she wanted to talk to me, especially in their room. Usually when that happens, either Ivy or I did something bad or she would have something really important to tell me. 

I watched as she closed the door behind her and motioned for me to lay down on the bed next to her. I looked at her confused as she pulled me closer to her embrace and she turned on the T.V. to whatever was last watched on our Netflix. 

"You know I love you, right?" she soon asked, breaking the awkward silence. I nodded my head, not sure where this was going. Mom and Dad has made sure to tell us how much they love us, no matter what they were doing and wherever they were. 

"I heard what you told Ivy the other day," she mentioned, making me look up at her as her eyes stayed on the screen. 

"Ivy, you tell Mom and Dad if you want it so badly," I said exhaustingly to my little sister who was begging me to ask our parents if she could buy this new video game on the Playstation.

"But they'll most likely say yes to you!" she insisted, clutching her iPad to her chest. 

I sighed at her actions, not knowing why she was so nervous to ask. She continued to pace around my room, aggressively scrolling through her iPad at all of the new games that were released and all of her friends had them. Whenever she used to want a new game, our parents always said yes. 

"Yeah, but I already asked for two new games last week! It's your turn," she said frustratedly. 

I looked at her confused, our parents would know something's up if I wanted to buy a game. Ivy is basically the only gamer here and I only play with whatever games she has available. 

"No, it's your game, that you want, not me. Also, you're their baby, not me and they love you more, so go freaking ask them!" I exclaimed, about to kick her out of my room. 

I heard footsteps passing in the hallway, shocked that no one bothered to come in, obviously hearing Ivy whining in here. 

"It hurt to hear those words come out of your mouth. You know that I don't love Ivy more than you, your dad and I love you two both equally," she explained softly, rubbing my back. 

I knew that our parents both loved us equally, but ever since we moved back to the city, I just felt like Ivy has been getting the most attention and recognition. Ivy is the one that actually gets to go to school, gets to hang out with friends and have little play dates, while I have like two friends and am scared to go out because my mom will be screaming in my ear to come right back home. 

"I know, Mom, I-"

"If you're feeling this way because of me not being present in your younger years, honey, you know how much I wish I could take all of that back," she cut me off, looking me dead in the eyes now. 

It was awkward to talk about the years where it was just Dad and I, it felt wrong. I tried to pretend that my mom had always been there, but I barely have any memory of her during my childhood. I have a very blurry memory of when she came back when I was six, I just know that she was there; not really knowing how and why.

"It's not. It's not about that," I replied, truthfully, hoping she would pass this topic.

She hugged me tight, kissing my forehead repeatedly. I looked up at her to now see tears in her eyes as she stared at my face. "It hurts to talk about your childhood, knowing I wasn't there. Just because I was there for Ivy's, doesn't mean anything, got it? You're just as special and important to me. I always wondered what my baby was doing, without me present," she went on. 

I knew that she was genuinely upset and hurt by me saying those words to Ivy. I now felt bad that I even said that. Even if they didn't mean anything to me during that moment, it did now, seeing my mom's reaction. 

"Mom, the past is in the past. To be honest, I don't really care about what happened, what matters is that you're here and you never left ever since you showed up," I said, hoping to cheer her up. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" she slightly giggled. 

"I will assume that you're old enough to hear this, but Ivy was definitely not planned and I didn't think I'd be able to love another child like how I loved you, but now that's changed and I can share so much of it," she smiled, stroking my hair. 

I laughed, rolling on top of her as she wrapped her arms around my body. "I missed where you used to always want to cuddle with me. Now, it's so rare, I cherish these moments with you," she said, looking up towards the ceiling. 

"Do you think if I never went to your concert, you'd never come back into my life?" I asked, wanting to know the truth. 

I heard her take a deep breath as she ran her fingers through my hair. "I had plans, I had plans of coming back to you. I didn't know exactly when, but I knew I had to do it before you turned into a teenager. I know that honestly sounds bad, but I was scared. I was scared because you didn't know me, you didn't know anything about me. Honey, when you first met me, you knew me as the Taylor Swift, not your mommy and that breaks my heart still to this day," she explained. 

She wasn't lying, I remember seeing the Taylor Swift just sitting in our house one day and remember it being one of the most exciting moments of my life, right after I had gone to her concert too. There are parts of me that are still angry at her for leaving me as a baby, but again I understand why she did it at the same time. 

"I never want to hear you say, 'I love Ivy' or anyone else more than you, got it? If you ever feel like that, you come to me. You call me wherever I am, I'll go to you," she stated sternly. 

I giggled at her response, knowing that she would be leaving soon. That would be the real test to see if I could handle her being away.