Burn ▹ Ashton Irwin

forty five

The moment I returned to the motel and closed the door behind me, I went absolutely berserk.

I slammed the door so hard I could've sworn I heard it crack. I opened my mouth only slightly and my breath seeped through the gap like an angry hiss; I inhaled and exhaled, and each time it grew louder and shakier until I was forcing myself to heave oxygen into my lungs.

I flipped the lights on and sat down on the edge of the bed, tangling my fingers in my hair. I squeezed my eyes shut and let the hot tears drain themselves from my sockets. Still panting like a sad dog, I bit back my bottom lip to keep myself from bursting into tears, but it was no use. Moments later my teeth lost their grip and the cries came pouring out of me like I was being sawed in half. At first they were only small, quiet, and disoriented, until I threw my head back and began to wail at the top of my lungs.

"I hate this!" I screamed, choking on my tears. "I...fucking...hate this!"

I leaned forward and buried my face into my hands, weeping until my palms were soaked. "I-I...I can't fucking...b-believe him!" I yelled. "Fucking traitor! Fucking back-stabbing, pathetic - liar!"

I tried taking my hands away from my eyes but I couldn't get myself to do it. I was so incredibly ashamed of myself that I felt embarrassed to even show my face to the blank wall in front of me. I cried so much that eventually, I was hardly even crying anymore; it was just loud and disjointed sounds getting caught in the back of my throat, choking me. I haunched my shoulders and gripped the edge of the bed, attempting to catch my breath.

I felt like such an idiot. How on earth could I let this happen? How on earth could Ashton let this happen? I couldn't even explain how betrayed I felt. Ashton was my first friend, my first little crush. I did absolutely everything I could for months to keep him safe, because I cared about him. I put my life on the line over and over again because I finally felt as though I had a purpose. I was useless as a child and I thought I was finally getting a second chance to redeem myself by protecting Ashton and proving Derek wrong.

It ended up just being a waste of time, and I see that now. These past 6 and a half months have been nothing but a complete waste of my time, if all Ashton's going to do with our money is spend it on drugs behind my back. And it was cocaine, out of all things. It's been so obvious this whole time, but I was too oblivious to realize the stupid drug was ruining everything. Ashton ruined everything.

He lied to me so many times. I sincerely thought Ashton and I have been in the same boat since day 1, but now I see that he's been in his own this whole time. He lied to me, to Luke, to Calum, to Michael...everyone. Every single one of us who tried to help him he had the audacity to lie to. I personally have never been lied to before, because I never had anyone until I met Ashton, and I can honestly say, this was the worst feeling I've ever endured.

My hands were turning black as I wiped my leftover makeup away. I watched the small, dark rivers trail down my fingers and eventually drip onto the floor. Images of Ashton leaning over a table and snorting coke into his nose were etched in my brain and I couldn't shake them out. I kept replaying what I saw of him tonight over and over again, like it was all branded into my skull. I pictured Ashton handing the money to the dealer, taking the drugs for himself, and then getting high on it all alone in the corner of a sketchy club. It was disgusting; I was disgusted.

I realized then that I've been around Ashton while he was high so many times, there were too many occasions to recall all at once. He was high at Vince's party, he was high every time he went out at night without me, he was probably high every time he yelled and grabbed at me, he was probably high when we robbed that store for the first time, and I know for a fact that he's high right now.