Heavy Thoughts

Chapter Twelve

-Cole-

I take a deep breathe, watching her walk into her hostel before driving off.

I am happy with how the date went. I didn't expect her to enjoy the garden so much. My mind travels back to the look on her face as she looked around at the view.

She said I did a good work. I smile as I step out of the car and lock it, walking into my house. I drop my keys on the divider in the living area. I sigh, walking into my bedroom and taking off my clothes to take a shower.

Under the warm water, I let my mind travel back to our entire date. From the minute I saw her in that dress, to our dinner, and finally to the conversation we had shortly before our departure from the garden.

She talked about celibacy and I can't help but wonder, is she a virgin? Or its just abstinence? I'm not surprised she didn't share, its definitely not something for a first date. But I would have appreciated the information.

Does that mean I'm gonna be dry for as long as we are together? No. I'm not capable of that. But, Zipporah... Is she worth it? Zipporah is definitely one of those girls that wait till marriage. And that's what I'm not. I can't wait till marriage, that's a lot of pressure.

I can't be with a virgin, that's for sure. She's too pure for me. I don't deserve her. I've fucked a lot of women and I deserve someone just like me. I can't taint her.

She might not even like me when she finds out.

She seems to be very spiritual, and I believe in God, but even He can't forgive me for all I've done.
I have to give her space. I conclude and my heart hurts.

Fuck.

I grab my scrubber and soap and begin lathering my body. I finish and rinse off my skin, turning off the shower. I grab my towel, wrap it around my waist and walk out of the bathroom.

Without drying my body, I lay in my bed and throw a hand over my head, my heart feeling heavy. "I am celibate", her voice rings through my head once more. Why? Zipporah is the most gorgeous person I've ever met and she just had to be a virgin? I'm tempted to be live that this is God punishing me.

I have never wanted someone as much as I want Zipporah. I just cannot bear the pressure of being with her. I can't even comprehend the thought of cheating on her. I need to work on my feelings, I have to get over her, but I can't hurt her. I don't want to.

"Oh fuck, this is terrible." I groan and reach for my phone.

"Yeah, C?" her whiny voice comes through the speaker.

"Rina, can you come over?" I ask. Rina is someone I've grown used to. She's easy and always available. She has actually helped me these past few years

"Oh yeah. You need me?" She asks, basking in the attention.

"Just come over, please." I say instead, rubbing my forehead and struggling to hold in my frustration.

"I'm on my way, C. Just hold on for me." She says and I can hear the smile in her voice. Then I hang up.

Dropping my phone, I get up from the bed and pull on a pair of sweat pants and a blue T-shirt. I drop the towel in the laundry and walk to the kitchen to eat the leftovers from my mum. I grab the microwaved food and take a seat at the kitchen island.

As I finish up, the front door opens and closes and I turn to see Rina walking toward me.

"Hey." she greets and I nod.

"What's wrong? You're grumpier than normal." She observes watching me with furrowed brows.

"You're not here for an interview. I'll meet you in the bedroom. Go and prepare yourself." I say gruffly, taking my plate and cutlery to the dish washer.

I walk into the room and find Rina in the shower.

Let's get this over with.

°°°°°°°

"That was amazing, C. Fuck! I didn't know it could get better." Rina says giggling.

"You can leave now." I say, leaving the bed.

"What? You don't expect me to be on the road by this time of the night." she says, searching for her phone on the bed. "Its 3 am."

I consider her argument, "Well, you can't stay in here." I say turning to stare at her.

"It won't be the first time-" she starts, but I cut her off.

"Do you want to spend the night in this house or not?" I ask her calmly, almost losing my patience.

"I do, I just- why can't I stay here, in this bed, with you?" She asks, prompting my exit from the bedroom and into the bathroom. I begin my mission of washing her scent off of me.

It didn't work.

I thought I could get over her, or at least control my feelings for Zipporah, using Rina as a distraction, but it did not work.

I walk out of the bathroom to find Rina almost out of the room.

"I'll be in the guest room. Good night." She says quietly and I can tell she's sad. I almost feel bad, but I don't. She knows what this is. I hum and stroll into my walk in closet to dress up once more.

After wearing my clothes, I grab my phone and debate sending a text to Zipporah. It would definitely be rude if I don't. And it would hurt her, she would definitely know there's something wrong. I decide to leave her a short text.

'Hey there, Zipporah. I hope you're doing fine? I had a nice time tonight.' I stare at the text for a few seconds before wiping it all off. It seems wrong.

'Hey there, Zipporah. How are you? I had an amazing time with you tonight and I hope you did as well. Sorry I didn't speak to you earlier, I was busy, but I'll be happy if we can do this again. Talk to you some other time. Good night.'

-Cole.

That feels better. I tap the send button, staring at my phone for a few minutes hoping for an early response, but when it doesn't come I read the text once more and notice something. No. I'll be happy if we can do this again? No. That would be giving her hope. Fuck, no. I should have revised this better before sending it. While I'm scolding myself, my phone screen lights up with a text notification.

'I am fine, thank you Cole. I did too. Its fine, and yes, I'd like that. Thank you. Good night.'

-Zipporah.

I read the text and I feel my heart drop in my chest.

I drop my phone and grab my laptop, willing my brain to focus on work instead.

Finishing up some work, I glance at my nightstand and the alarm clock reads 4:30 am. I drop my laptop and try to grab an hour of sleep before I have to prepare for work.

Authors' corner

The storm is here guys, and my heart is breaking. I just feel terrible guys, but it has to be done.

I wonder how the next chapter is gonna go? Stick around to find out.

Don't forget to vote, and leave your thoughts. the comments section. Xoxo.