the misunderstood

be you

Shooting up from the chair I let out a shaky laugh, turning to the woman who stared at me dumbfoundedly. "Is everything okay?" I inquired, after a moment of awkward staring at each other. She hastily got up, grabbing my upper arm gently and diverting me towards the back door, "When you get home, tell your guardians that the test made you sick and I sent you home early" "Why, what were my results?" "Erudite". No, no, no, no that cant be I don't belong here I know I don't, I thought I didn't. "and abnegation, candor, amity and dauntless." she finished. "I don't understand" my face contorted in confusion, "nor do they" what is she trying to say, "what" "you honey, are one special girl, so special it will mean that others will want to harm you if they find out, you pose as a threat to them, to your own." It hit me, hit me so hard that it almost winded me "divergence" I mumbled, we were told to study them in school, told that they were bad people, that they would ruin the society that we had fought so hard to build. "What should I do?" I manage to muster. "You cant tell anyone, you understand that right?, you go home and tell them what I said, and then tomorrow you pick what you want, what you want to do, how you want to live". I don't know though, this test was supposed to help me, supposed to guide me. "How will I know?" "You know yourself best, just be you" she finished with a faint smile, finally pushing me out the back door and closing it before I can question any further.

What am I to do? How can I know myself if my brain doesn't know me, doesn't know what I want?. I begin my walk home, contemplating catching the bus to aid my blister ridden feet but ultimately deciding against it giving me more time to decide what to do tomorrow. I could always just stay, but I would be living in severe misery for the rest of my life, yet if I was to leave where would I go, what would I do? What do I want to do?. These thoughts surpass as I walk through the factionless, I had decided to take the longer route home unbeknownst to my aching feet. Awkwardly I waltz through, quick with my steps I know the people seeking shelter under this bridge aren't bad, they just failed with choosing their right paths, I could end up like them if I pick wrong. Just as I reach the end of the underpass, a middle aged woman stops in front of me blocking my way out. "Do you have any food?" she mutters cradling the baby I had only just noticed, I reach within my satchel picking out the apple and sandwich my mother had packed for me handing it over to the woman. "What's its name?" I ask, as the baby begins to stir "Annie" she replied glancing down at her with a sad smile. A gust of wind suddenly blows through the tunnel, causing Annie to whine as I unwrap the scarf that my brother had once gifted me from my neck. "Here" I insist passing her the scarf, "for Annie". She thanks me noting that I'm the kindest erudite she'd ever met, "You'll be fine tomorrow you know" she states "As long as you are true to yourself, only you know what you want, choose for yourself not for your family" I smile weakly at her thanking her for her wisdom as we part ways.

The rest of the walk home was meek, her words constantly playing in my mind, how could she sense my indecisiveness. I walk up the steps of my porch, and I'm instantly hit with the smell of jam, my mother must have programmed the cooker to make my favourite childhood pie. She knows, she knows I'm not going to stay, she's always known. In fact she's always told me not to, that I'm destined for better things, I know parents are supposed to want to make you stay but she's assured me ever since I was young that it is okay to be me and I need to be free. She knows how important it is to be happy, and she knows I'm not happy here. I walk through the door alarming my parents that I'm home, but before they can come and ask me how today went I've already reached my room and locked my door. My room has always been my safe space, the only place I can be alone. I've always valued my privacy, often needing space to calm down, to calm my thoughts, to stop them and the only places I could do that was here or the streets in the dead of night. My room is empty with only a bed and desk accumulating the space, the walls are long and grey with nothing indicating that someone lives in here, this is just the normal erudite bedroom basic and boring like the souls that are part of this faction.

I lay face down on my bed, wanting to drown out all my thoughts, I don't know when ill next be able to do so, I sit up and face the bathroom my favourite coping mechanism hiding behind the white door that connects the two rooms. I drag myself off the bed and trail along my floor reaching the bathroom door, slowly opening it, staring at the razor blade that sits almost peacefully on the side of my sink.

My alarm blurs through the room, waking me from my slumber. I'd missed dinner last night stupidly, it'd have been my last meal with my parents. They had come to check up on me multiple times, but I shut them down quickly insisting that I was just tired and sick from the aptitude test. Getting ready felt weird, I stared at myself in my mirror that hung low in my bathroom analysing my features, pinpointing every imperfection that lay upon my face. As I was combing through my hair, I heard a faint knock on my door the knock of my mother. I shouted for her to come through indicating where I stood, she took the brush from my hands and began to do it herself "I love you Ivory" escaped her lips locking eyes with me in the mirror. "I'm sorry mom" I cried