We'll meet again...(Ticci Toby x Transmasc Reader)

Chapter Three: Crashing Down

TW: Mentions of s3lf h4rm; Please skip the underlined text if you are sensitive to that topic.

You went to bed around 10:00 PM at night, but didn't really fall asleep around 2:30 AM. You spent hours staring at the ceiling, worrying about Toby.

When you woke up the next morning, Toby was not in fact next to you. Your face immediately formed into a frown, and you blinked back tears. What hurt the most was knowing you had no idea where he was, and there was absolutely no guaranteeing he was safe.

You got up and realized there was a note on your nightstand. 

"That wasn't there last night..." You thought to yourself.

You picked up the note and read it.

"Hey, [Reader]. My heart hurts to tell you this, but I can't see you anymore. The "Operator" is worried that by us seeing each other, you'll tell the police about me, Tim, and Brian. It said if I even as just interact with you in the slightest bit, it'll kill you.

I left you my hoodie so you can still feel my embrace. You can still smell me on it. I want you to remember I will always love you no matter what. We're still boyfriends, and forever will be.

I promise we'll meet again. It may take a few years, a few decades, hell maybe even in another life. But I guarantee you that I'll find you.

                                                                                                                     -Always yours; Toby"

You dropped the note and took a step back. Tears immediately fell down your now pale cheeks. Your whole world was gone, and there was nothing you could do to get him back. All you could do now was mourn.

You knew Toby wasn't really dead, but to you, it felt like he was. There was a realistic possibility you'd never see him again, at least not in this life. 

Now fully sobbing, you sat back down on your bed. You cried for what felt like centuries. At this rate, you'd drown in your own tears. Your pain and suffering would swallow you whole.

And it did just that. You began to claw at your flesh with your nails. You dug deeper and deeper until your skin turned red. It didn't bleed, but that didn't mean your pain was any less. 

You knew this act of self hatred wouldn't fix a damn thing, but right now, you were filled with so much pain that this felt like the only legal outlet that would be enough to let out your suffering.

Your pain really was eating you whole. You felt empty as you clawed at your now burning flesh.

You couldn't care less about having to leave for work in just ten minutes. The only thing your brain could register was the fact that Toby was gone. All you could feel was your sorrow. Right now, nothing else mattered. The only thing you truly cared about was Toby, but now, what little love and happiness you had just left. 

The person who wiped your tears away was gone. The person who made you feel valid as a boy was gone. The person who made you genuinely smile was gone. All you had left was a piece of him.

You didn't go to work that day. You ended up calling in later apologizing for not showing up, and then requested to take the week off due to a "family emergency".

You spent that entire week missing Toby. You'd watch his favorite movies, listen to his favorite songs, and even sleep with an extra pillow next to you and pretend it was Toby who was resting beside you.

You'd wear his hoodie, too. You never took it off. Not for a second. You wouldn't even wash it in fear of his scent going away if you did. 

Eventually, you went back to work. You could barely function. Your eyes would tear up at anything that even remotely reminded you of Toby. If you saw a shopper with brown hair, your mind would immediately think it was him. 

You wore his hoodie around your waist, and fully put it on over your work clothes during your lunch break. 

Your co-workers never really paid you any mind, but they seemed to be a bit concerned for you now. Your eyes were all red and puffy from crying. Your hair was a mess from tossing and turning at night, and you didn't really smell the best, either.

Before meeting Toby, you had depression. Even while you were with him, you had it, but he was able to keep it moderate. He motivated you to take care of yourself. But since he was gone now, you lost that motivation. You no longer had a good enough reason to take care of yourself. All you wanted to do was to lie in bed forever until you starved and rotted. 

Once you got home from your first day of being back at work, you immediately ran upstairs and crashed down on your bed. You cried. You cried until your eyes forced themselves shut. This is how life would be like for a long time.

Author's Note: The angst has begun!!! Also, I have decided I will most likely not have an official posting schedule. Right now, I have a lot of motivation to write, so chapters will be uploaded frequently. But, this is only beginning, meaning I will most likely lose the motivation sometime in the future, so we'll see from here.