The samurai and the vow to the moon

Chapter 9

- Uh, I, um, I stutter. It's all happening so suddenly. I can't stop shaking from fear.

- Sneaky little woman, he says. He has his hand against the front of my kimono, tearing at it.

- What is he doing, I ask in my head. The way he leers at me is unnerving, as my kimono finally bursts open. He pulls out the packet of anesthetic hidden there.

- Oh, I say.

- What is this, he asks.

- He found it. What should I do. Even if I tell him the truth about it, there's bound to be some kind of misunderstanding, I say in my head. I think it over for a moment. I can't think of anything to say, so I just clam up.

- So that's the game you're going to play. Well then, in that case, he says. Toshizo takes the cup of tea from his desk, and dumps some of the powder in the cup.

- What are you doing, I ask.

- Only way to find out what this secret of yours is, he says.

- That's not a good idea, I say in my head.

- Please, just wait a moment. I can explain, I say. In a panic, I grab at his hands, spilling the tea onto the floor.

- Why are you trying to stop me. If it's just medicine, there should be no harm in drinking it, he asks.

- True, but, I say. If I tell him the whole story, it could put Shin in danger. But he's only looking out for me. I stall for a while, and when it becomes clear to him that I'm not about to speak, he snatches my hand. My heart feels like it's about to break. Toshizo seems as if he doesn't want to look me in the eyes. He trusted me, and I can tell he feels betrayed.

- Toshizo, it's not what you think, I shout.

Without a word, he leads me fiercely by the hand, out to a corner of the dimly-lit courtyard, where the storehouse stands.

- Stay here, he says. He barks the order at me in an unforgiving voice, usually reserved for his enemies. I can hear him locking the heavy door of the storehouse shut.

- Toshizo, I shout. He doesn't respond, as the sound of his footsteps grows more distant.

- This isn't good, I whisper. With the slamming of that door, I'm thrown into a state of chaos. Regardless of the time of day, or night, the storehouse is dark and dank. The air is fetid, and just breathing it is depressing. I'm drained of strength, so I curl myself into a ball. Each time I take a breath of that moldy, stagnant air, I feel my chest rattle with despair. It's a hopelessness different from any hardship or sadness I've ever endured.

- How could I have been stupid enough to accept that packet from Shin in the first place, I say in my head. I deeply regret being so suspicious of Toshizo, without any reasoning to back up my fears.

- I just hope Toshizo understands that I trust him now. I believe in him. But it must not seem that way to him, so how can I expect him to show any trust in me, I say in my head.

- Even after everything we talked about last night, I whisper. I'm petrified, wondering whether I'm about to be put to death. But even more devastating than that, is knowing that I've betrayed his trust.

- It hurts my heart, I say in my head. I huddle up, and take deep, desperate breaths. It's as if I'm trying to make myself disappear, to escape somehow. But soon, the sadness and the fear gets to me, and my breathing slows to irregular, ragged strips.

Later that same evening. The door swings open, and Toshizo comes inside.

- If I'm going to die anyway, I say in my head. All I want is to tell him how I truly feel.