Wildfire

(14)

Kenneth Deora

Kenneth: Aren't Mafia people supposed to be fast?

Wildfire: Only for important things.

Kenneth: Ouch!

Mariana: *seen*

"Cake?" I asked Gianna and Terra who were helping me with the decorations.

"For the 8th time. Shut up." Gianna spoke, eyes glued to her phone. She was definitely too young to be involved with the mafia but that was none of my business.

"Yes the cake is here." Terra replied, smacking Gianna on the shoulder. I had never known they were friends until Terra told me about "the "knives or bullets" girl's birthday."

I didn't know much about Mariana yet. Did she celebrate outside? Did she have her own rituals? I wanted to know.

I wanted to know everything about her. Why did her eyes move like daggers? Why did she have a knife obsession? What she dreamt about when she slept and what kept her up when she couldn't.

I didn't do much for now. It was just a cake and a few streamers and lights. I got her a present. But at such a short notice I couldn't do much.

The door clicked open followed by her coming in. "What is this?" She looked around and she didn't look very happy. I hope that's her surprised face.

"Happy birthday, wildfire." She snapped her eyes shut and her breath got shallower "Stop. Get this away." Her breaths started getting faster as her grip on her bag tightened.

"Get. This. Out. Now." Her voice might as well be accompanied by lightning by how it sounded. Gianna was the first one to act, putting the cake and streamers out of sight.

Before I could say anything her eyes pinned me to the spot. "Who gave you the right? To come into MY house. And do this. Who gave you the right to leave flowers in MY car. Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you can just barge into my life, and my house and try to fix everything like the fucking perfectionist you are? Do you think you can fix everything broken inside me?" She was cut off by the lack of oxygen in her lungs.

She was shaking with anger. I signalled Terra and Gianna to leave. It wasn't their idea and getting them in trouble was of no use. "I'm sorry, Mariana. I didn't know a birthday was such a big deal."

Mariana Montanari

Obviously a cake wasn't a big deal to him. Because you're pathetic, Mary. Camila's voice rang in my head. "Wildfire-" while his voice pierced through it to pull me out of my head. "No! You're- You're just like them all!"

"Maria-"

"LEAVE! leave now. You've done what you wanted. Now go!" I screamed at him. I screamed at him till my voice went raw. I didn't notice when my eyes started tearing up or when those tears fell down my face. I knew it was my fault. I knew a normal person would not expect someone to be pathetic enough lose their shit over a fucking cake.

My anger sank down into fear. My eyes shifted from pinning Kenneth to his spot to too teary to even see straight. My hands which were on their way to the knife in my pocket started digging into my skin.

I saw it all. Again.

+=={:::::::::::::::::>

"Mary, alzati, bambina. You're going to be a big girl today." My dad woke me up with his ever sweet voice and even sweeter smelling cake. (get up, child)

I twisted deeper in my blanket. "Altri 5 minuti." I whined, smiling regardless because of the delicious smell. (5 more minutes)

"Come on, Mary. Seven year old kids don't sleep in that long piccola ragazza." My mom pulled my blanket off me. (little girl)

"Non sono un bambina!" I sat up and they placed the cake in front of me while singing whatever Italian rendition of "Happy Birthday" they created. (I'm not a child!)

+=={:::::::::::::::::>

It was my eighth birthday next week. I hadn't told dad yet. He'd never been this stressed before but he'd been different since mom left and I was trying to help. I didn't want him to worry about some stupid birthday when he was clearly busy. But he hadn't paid for school yet and I felt like I should tell him that.

"Dad?" He didn't look up from his phone. He barely does nowadays. "Dad?" I repeated a little louder and walked a little closer. I didn't feel good when he was always smoking. Once he threw it at me when I was too loud and it left a burn. I was very scared of being burnt.

"What." He snapped looking at me with his bright red eyes. I took a few steps back so as to not make him angrier. "I- uh- they-" I took a deep breath in. "My teachers said that you need to pay the tuition."

His mouth formed into a weird smirk. "Wh-what happened?" His hand reached out, making me jump a little but it just landed on my waist.

"Ah nothing... Don't worry about school, I have something better for you now." He said, looking distantly at me. "Oh... okay.. can I go play now?" I asked, feeling relieved anyways. He was my dad. He wouldn't hurt me.

Oh boy was I wrong.

+=={:::::::::::::::::>

I didn't realise when Kenneth had held me so I didn't collapse on the ground. Or when he started reciting "You're safe, I got you, breathe." and other sweet nothings in my ears.

"He hurt me, Kenneth. He hurt me so badly." My voice was choked because of all the sobbing. Everything I had held in for so long came undone in his arms. All the strength I held as Mariana vanished leaving just that hurt child sobbing in his arms. Like he'd make it better. Like he could fix it. Pathetic. And I knew it was but I couldn't. I couldn't stop. For once in my life I couldn't stop Mary.

What would've happened if things didn't change? If my dad didn't stop caring? If he still made me a fucking birthday cake? He cared. I know he did. And it showed in that damn birthday cake. Until it didn't.

Birthday cakes turned into weekly meals or sometimes monthly. The sweet names turned terrifying. My mother turned into a ghost of a memory.

The fucking birthday cake. It brought it all back. It brought back all the "what if" scenarios that I buried so deep all my life. Now they were all spilt like ink in front of him, and they'd stain him forever.

"You did it! You brought him back!" I screamed at him. My nails pierced through his clothes and maybe his skin but I was too far gone to care.

His grip didn't loosen up. He held me. Still fucking held me and for once someone's touch didn't make want to burn the skin off of me.

"I'm sorry, wildfire, I'm so sorry." His voice was cracked and barely a whisper. He still didn't let go and for some reason it didn't feel like he was doing it for himself. He obviously isn't. Your nails are making him bleed. My nails dug into his skin till it drew blood. I tried to but couldn't loosen my grip.

He wasn't hugging me or comforting me. He was holding me. He didn't want me to fall apart. He was holding me together while my mind was too occupied with nightmares to not shatter at his feet.

After way too long when I finally calmed down as much as I could and lifted my weight off of him. His hands went loose. He left me at once. Don't feel too good. You can't have this comfort. He won't hold you forever. What would you do when he finds out you're a whore, Mary? Then what? He'd leave just as fast as your dad kicked you out.

"Wildfire-"

"Leave." My voice was too harsh even for me. At least he didn't argue to stay. I was weak. I'd lose the argument followed by my dignity and then this version of me that I've worked so hard to build. I couldn't afford losing anything again even if it meant isolating.

He kept a glass of water in front of me before walking out without a word.

I stared at it till my reflection started staring back. Before I could stop myself it shattered under my fingers. I passed out before I could pull the glass out of my hands.

+=={:::::::::::::::::>