Kissing In Cars

8

I kick my shoes off as I come through the door, excited to finally be home. I tried to shake the talk I had with Tony off but every time I had a few seconds between tasks my mind would wander back to our talk. I feel somewhat guilty for what I said to him, and I hate that I feel guilty. I shouldn't feel bad for speaking my mind... and yet.

"Hey, baby." Jordan yells to me as I close the front door. 

"Hi!" I call back. "How was your day?"

I walk into the kitchen to get myself something to eat. Its 7pm now and I still haven't really ate today which I know is a bad habit to start, but the break I took with Tony put me behind in my work so the time I usually take to eat got postponed until right now. Not ideal but it was worth it.

"Good, busy. You know how it is." he calls back. From the sound of his voice I'd guess he's in our room instead of his office where he usually is. "You?"

"Busy." I say, not wanting to say more about it. I open the fridge hoping to find something easy to make but all we have is random Tupperware's of food that probably aren't good anymore and ingredients, so I would actually need to cook something with them rather than just eat them. I supposed I could just eat a cucumber or two, but even then I would want to peel it and that's too much effort.

"Did you eat yet?" I call up to Jordan hoping he hasn't. Maybe I can tempt him into ordering something in tonight. I'm in the mood for anything, but a slightly overcooked pizza with extra cheese sounds amazing right now.

"Yeah, I ate an hour ago." he calls back to me. I turn and see dishes in the sink, confirming it.

Damn. There goes my ordering food idea. I could always order for myself, but it feels like such a waste. I might as well just continue the search no matter how bleak it seems and right now it's very bleak.

"There's some leftovers from this week in the fridge." Jordan calls to me, his voice travelling closer as he speaks. "I think maybe the pasta is still good?"

I make a face at his suggestion. Leftover pasta is about my least favourite thing ever. I stare into the fridge hoping my expectations will drop the longer I stand here, but those cucumbers are sounding better by the second.

"So..."Jordan starts slowly. "I saw you earlier today."

"Yeah?" I ask as I grab a Tupperware from the fridge. I'm not sure what's in it so I crack it open.  It's stir-fry that is long past its due date. I think maybe we made it last Wednesday. I scrunch up my nose at the smell of it and then immediately empty the container into the trash.

"Yeah, I saw you walking a couple streets away from the bakery with some guy." he says. I freeze in front of the fridge knowing that he saw me with Tony. Even though there's nothing to feel guilty for, I still feel the tiniest bit guilty. That, and now the talk is back in my mind. Again.

"Oh." I say. Of course he saw me with Tony. Of course.

"So, who's the guy?" Jordan asks, appearing in the doorway of the kitchen. He asks it in a teasing voice, but it still makes me feel weird like I've done something wrong.

"Just a friend, I guess. Not really a friend, like an old friend, if anything." I say, rambling on. I close the fridge door having given up on finding anything viable for me in there. I walk over to our pantry and try my luck in there. My eyes scan over canned goods and rice and beans until finally landing on some ground pepper flavoured crackers. I give in and pick them up, deciding that this is my best option.

I pull my head out the pantry and look at Jordan who raises an eyebrow at me. "So...?"

I take a seat at the island figuring that this is going to be a long talk. "You remember when we first started dating and I told you about that ex that I had?" I ask him, opening my box of crackers.

"Yeah, the musician guy, right?'

I nod, taking a bite of a cracker. Its a bit stale but still good enough to eat. "Well, he's back in town for a bit, he stopped by just to say hi."

"I didn't know you guys talked still." Jordan says. For the first time since we started talking about Tony he sounds a little ...jealous?

"We don't really." I say with a shrug. "He just dropped by, even I was surprised to see him."

"Maybe I should be worried." he says it as a joke, but I can hear some truth behind his words. Even though Jordan doesn't know the whole story about Tony and I, he still knows that it was a serious relationship that took me a long time to get over. I'm sure him hearing me say my ex is back in town is anything but comforting to him.

I roll my eyes at him to show him that he has nothing to worry about. "Trust me, you have nothing to worry about." I say. I hesitate about telling him that I was rude to Tony, in the end deciding to tell him. "I was kinda mean to him."

"Were you?" he asks, coming to sit beside me. He sits so that he's facing me, putting a hand on my legs. "Why?"

"He's just acting like nothing happened, you know? Like just because he's here it'll be like it used to be. Kinda pissed me off."

"Did you tell them that in those words?" he asks. His hand strokes my leg to comfort me.

"No," I say. "I said it a lot meaner."

Jordan cracks a smile at this, making a small one appear on my face too. Thats what I liked about Jordan, he doesn't take things so seriously. In any situation he's always making jokes and just keeping it lighthearted. He makes me realize that sometimes I take things too seriously.

"You did what you had to." he says to me. 

"Yeah." I agree. "I did."

Then why do I still feel so bad about it?