I realize now that I should have never followed you
In that tunnel of metal with your black dog under
The green field, under the water reservoir in front
Of the forest of ivy lit by late summer's light, and
Neither should I have followed you into your paneled
House of sex and tongues, blue as wonderland.
And I should have never stayed, I should have never
Stayed. Yet I know I would have resented ever possible
Outcome, every possible antagonism of never seeing you
Again, and regret it all the same. Henry, I really did feel
Like a prostitute who had failed at everything that night.
I hate you for it, but can you please do me the service in
Taking it away? Shall we do it again, to help it all disappear,
Having myself drown in apologies of exploitation another time?
Truthful-the seminal fluid of coercion-I loathe the sight of it.
I loathe the sight of your life persisting while mine waits like
A witch outside the home of a rapist. You are not one, but
Something else, something between a voluntary God and a
Metaphysical man. Why do I hate you so much as you keep
Persisting? It is not like you had tasted the shameful experience in
A hundred bites from you as I did. Tell me, why do I hate you
So much? Why? O-I will never be a boy again, and I will never
Love the world, for it will happen once more. You caused this.
I think about it every time I talk to a blond and blue-eyed
Man like you, clutching his penis as though it were you.
I think about it every time I remember, clasping my
Pansy-purple sheets like it were death itself.
I think about it every time I am alone, a Japanese tsunami
To quake my bedroom, filling it in a deluge of marbles
And knives made of popsicle sticks written with sharpie
Of memories we had made together as momentos.
Each of them held a great date, ones to absorb
When we think of one another. And they batter me,
Like a pink-hound ram against a slate castle wall.
For some reason I like to watch it. Always, my face quiet,
Taking it all in, silent as brick, even though I have
Realized I should have never followed you home.
Henry, ram yourself into me. I am more than ready to die.
