Falling For Casual

Preface.

     I've been on many dates—too many dates. I can't wrap my head around how people do this on purpose. How do you guys put yourselves out there constantly and go through this song and dance trying to find "the one"? And dating apps? The literal spawn of the devil. I miss that forced proximity, the crushes. If high school gave me one thing, it was the opportunity to see my crushes every day and interact with them. High school gave you options. One day I like this person, until I see them run in gym class or how they drink milk, and then I'm on to the next one. Good times.

But now I must actually put myself out there. I lie on my couch when I'm sick of scrolling through social media, my brain already turning into a pile of mush. And that mush leads me straight to these dating apps that are all about promoting love and romance and blah blah blah. Let's be honest, it's a trap. Half of us use those things for sex, half of the other half is looking for validation, and that other half of the half is the hopeless romantics (like me) in search of that kiss on the cheek, swooning in your arms, type of love.

Personally, I've never found it on these apps, but if you have, I'd suggest you buy a lottery ticket because your luck is phenomenal. I mean it.

I've fiddled around with it and have finally come to terms with the attendees on my roster. It's only consisting of two people, but who knows where this year will take me. It's only March, so I've got plenty of time to find a couple more people to fill up my time, and maybe my heart. As for right now, the roster consists of two people whom I've nicknamed Rolling Stone and Texas. My thing with dating now is not attaching myself to them by not using their real names. It's like when they tell you not to name a stray because if you do, it'll end up being yours. That's how I view them. My little strays. Or should I say the little strays because they're not necessarily mine. I doubt I'd ever be theirs either.

I guess I should also mention that they're both the opposite gender. Rolling Stone being a woman and Texas being a man. Which brings me to my other confession: I've never had sex with a man. Why am I dating a man when I've never been intimate with one? Great question. I suppose when I was younger the idea of being with a man terrified me. Don't get me wrong, I've had many crushes and a few boyfriends, but the thought of having sex with them sent a chill down my spine in the worst way possible. It's like when you go into a haunted house or watch a scary movie. You enjoy the thrill. That's the whole reason you got sucked into it in the first place. But you wouldn't want to go deeper than that, right? You jump at the ghost on the screen or yelp when the masked guy with the chainsaw thrusts it at you in a theme park.

Yet, you know it's not real. The ghost is on the screen, not in your house. The guy in the mask is just an employee and the chainsaw isn't even on. But you still go, you continue to watch, because that's what it's all about. The chase, never the capture.

That's how I viewed it. I loved what I could do to men when they didn't have a chance of getting to the finish line. They watched me, spoke to me, kissed me, tasted the empty promise on my lips, but it was all just a fantasy. No matter what happened I would never go that far, too far. As I got older though the curiosity began to eat away at me. Every year that passed would open a new can of want for these creatures who I usually would brush aside.

Women I worshipped, adored, loved with every inch of my being. I'd experience that tenderness of their love, the glisten in their eyes when they were passionate about you. The tone of their giggle sent butterflies slamming into my stomach. Women were ethereal, magical, stunning, untouchable until you were blessed enough to be given it. And so, the idea of being sexually intimate with a woman just felt right. It felt natural to me.

Men, however, slowly started to creep into my line of sight. I can't really tell you what it was that started this infatuation with them, or why it took me so long, but it's here now and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Even with all my friends telling me how awful they are, how useless and sexually unsatisfactory they can be, it still hasn't steered me away from what it would feel like to have one all to myself. I'm not bashing men, believe me. If anything, I'm doing quite the opposite, though I'm not praising them either. I just want a taste of what it would be like to bite into that forbidden fruit. And, just like when Eve bit that apple, that's where this entire story begins.