Falling For Casual

Chapter 4.

      Talking to Bart didn't give me the distraction I was so desperately trying to achieve. Yes, he was there. And yes, he was obsessing over me just the way I liked. He kept telling me how much he couldn't stop thinking about my lips, my hands, my face. The idea of me was running wild in his brain. So much so that he needed to see me sooner than he'd wanted. I was fine with that. I needed him to take all thoughts of Texas out of my mind. So, with not as much hesitation as I should've had, I let him schedule another dinner, another opportunity to idolize me in person and not just with the memories he was clinging to.

I'd already told my friends how over Texas I was. Ten days had passed without so much as a full sentence from him. I preached and complained and swore up and down the entire city that I wouldn't let him wiggle his way back in my life. That this space would be definite no matter what excuse he came up with. I didn't need him; I had Bart now. And, even when I was done with Bart, I'd have someone else to fill the space. I had nothing to be worried about. But every time the words escaped my lips, they felt empty. I couldn't tell anyone that I wanted Texas to come back with the best reason ever to explain his absence. I couldn't admit that the moment he dropped back into the city, fresh-faced from where ever the hell he'd been, that I wouldn't see him again. I didn't even want to say it to myself.

I was torn between letting my heart run wild and letting my brain come up with reasons why it shouldn't. Texas was just a guy. So was Bart. So was every man that would eventually come and go. They didn't matter. I had to remind myself of that. Men wouldn't hold any place in my life; I wouldn't take them seriously.

I met with Bart at a sushi restaurant he chose, close enough to my apartment, of course. He was sitting there when I arrived, the place nearly empty even though it was around 7pm. I didn't mind. It was better this way. Less of an audience for the show I was about to put on. Fewer people to judge the obvious age difference between us. The only two people I really had to worry about were the host (who was standing near our table and was extremely attractive) and the waitress. Easy.

He stood when I walked in, the perfect gentleman he was. I let him wine and dine me. Twelve courses. Sake flowing. Honestly, he was such a great date. I pictured myself living this life with him. Our weekly dinners where I didn't even remember my wallet and let him spoil me like he wanted to. Him introducing me to this lifestyle, telling me all about the one he used to have before he met me. And, to top it off, he was a great storyteller. The thing was, when the dinner would come to an end and the food would stop coming to our table, he'd get up from his seat and come to my side. This was the song and dance I'd become accustomed to from the first date. This was his moment where he wanted to get what he was paying for. As much as I didn't want to feel like he was buying my affection, wasn't he? Isn't that the reason he asked me? The reason why I put on makeup and my tits were pushed up to my chin? Why my lips were glossed and my eyelashes curled? It was all transactional. I couldn't lie to myself.

Even when this dawned on me, it didn't stop me from letting him swing his arm around my shoulders. I didn't push him away when he got that glazed over look in his eye when he stared at me, probably wishing I'd stop talking. He closed the space between us, his mouth hot and his stubble scraping my cheeks and chin. Our tongues danced. It was familiar, but something in the pit of my stomach started to bubble. Something to this day I still can't explain why. Suddenly, I felt disgusted by this man kissing me. It made me feel dirty. Like a film of murky water was washing over my skin every time his fingertips brushed against me. I felt him squeeze my nipple over my shirt, the fact that I wasn't wearing a bra making him more excited than he was a moment ago. The nausea began to rise then. All that raw fish I consumed was about to come back out straight into his mouth, which would only end up back in mine since he was basically inhaling me.