Dead Poets and Dying Roses

Sixth Chapter

Gently I stroke the strings of my guitar, humming along to a melody that haunts me since I have left France. The Perrys are out of the house and I enjoy the peace of a sunny autumn day. Light shines through my open window and the birds sing along with me in a duet. Over and over again I hum the same sequence and everytime new notes find their way on the paper. I haven't found the words yet to describe the feeling in my chest, but they will come to me when the song is finished. My eyes are closed when suddenly a cold voice rips me out of my daydreams. "What are you doing?", he questions me, every word as sharp as a knife. "Shouldn't you be studying?" I put the guitar behind my back, obviously not to hide it, but to protect it in the case that my uncle wants to take it from me. "Oh, I'm just taking a little break.", I brush it off. "To clear my mind." Suspiciously he eyes my room as if he suspects, that I hide another boy in it. "Well, you should not spend too much time clearing your mind. There were already enough distractions, keeping you from holding up your grades." I frown. "My grades? I got B's in every subject." But that doesn't impress Mr. Perry the slightest. "Straight A's. That is the standard you need to achieve. Music won't bring you up to that." I bite my lip to hold myself back from an angry comment. "Well, it is just a hobby. It's nothing." That was not true. Music was everything for me. It gets me out of the dark places in my mind. It's my life saver and always will be. "Your focus is to graduate high and marry as soon as possible in a powerful family.", Mr. Perry continues to lecture me. "You know your mother was an artist, driven by creativity. And we know where that led us." He has had to do it. He never leaves out one tiny chance to remind me of my so deeply disappointing roots. I hate my mother for what she has done to me. For leaving me here with her bad reputation imprinted on me. She has ruined my chance to ever be in their favour. But it's not my fault she has to be a drunk rockstar. It's not my fault. In my head I'm screaming it at my uncle, on the outside I stay calm. "Of course, I will put it away and start working again." With stiff motions and a spreading bitterness I lay down the guitar back in the case. Mr. Perry watches my everystep and waits until I sit down. One last grumpy look and then he is gone. As soon as the door is closed the grip on my pencil thightens and with an angry grunt I throw it across the room. The pen hits the wall and falls to the ground. I just stare at it. "Fuck.", I mutter to myself and run to it to analyze it for scratches. It's Neil's favourite pen that I borrowed. Glad that it still looks unharmed I press it against my chest. I wish you were here., I think to myself. Alongside music, Neil is my lifesaver, too. We have been through a lot together and always have eachother's back.

Later that day I stare into the woods absent mindly until Neil nudges me with his elbow. "Hey, are you okay? You've been so quiet." Quickly I place a smile on my face, like everytime my cousin worries about my well being. "Oh, it's just been a rough day." But, of course, Neil immedeatly gets what's going on. "It's my father, right?" His expression hardens. "God, why does he always have to ruin everything." I place my hand on his shoulder to calm him. "It isn't that bad, alright? He is just a bit...strict.", I struggle to find the right word. "But I get along." In fact there are a lot worse things that have happened, while Neil has been to Welton, than today. But I don't bring it over me to tell him the truth. He's too precious for me. I rather shield him from his father's force with all I have, then saving myself. "Looking very worried over here.", a voice cuts through my thoughts. "I bet I can conjure a smile on your face.", Charlie proceeds charming me. "So, you consider yourself a magician now?", I ask with a raised eyebrow. "Oh, I can be anything you want, love." In the corner of my eye Neil is staring down Charlie just like the protective cousin that he is. But he damn well knows I can handle this myself, even though I also have let out an indignant snort at this boy's boldness. I cross my arms in a provocative way. "Well, you seem more like a clown to me than a magician." Charlie puts a hand at his heart. "Ouch." I have to laugh. Without even knowing he has just saved my day. A little light has came back in my world by his blunt attempt to pull me. He quickly recovers from my words and then points at my guitar. "You are performing, too?" "Well, someone has to keep the audience up after your performance.", I answer after taking a skeptical look at his saxophone. It takes a lot of feeling and control to play an instrument like this and Charlie doesn't seem like he has either of them. But I won't judge a book by its cover, he also has something about him that makes me expect a lot more behind his lover boy facade. We reach the cave and I need to look out for my guitar to not slam it against the wall. With a wide grin Neil follows behind me and then places a lampshade in the corner of the cave. "What is it?", Meeks asks and within seconds gets a sarcastic remark from Pitts that it is obvious. Neil fiddles around at it and then reveals a painted statue. "It's the god of the cave." When we all are assembled Charlie steps up with his saxophone. " 'Poetrusic' by Charles Dalton", he proudly exclaims. The next second I have to cover my ears as he blows random and loud notes. Then he pauses. "Laughing, crying, tumbling, mumbling, gotta do more. Gotta be more." Again he wiggles his fingera wildly over the holes. The sax is screeching. "Chaos screaming, chaos dreaming, crying, flying!" He speaks out of his heart with so much passion, that I am really flabbergasted. There is a short silent pause. As he continues to play a simple but breathtaking melody, that fills the cave. The skeptical looks on the boy's faces disappear as he goes on, lost in the music and ending with a long and haunting note. I get goosebumps all over my body. I stare up at him in awe. His words somehow have woken something deep inside of me. Something I can relate to. We all applaude. "Your turn, mon chéri." Charlie makes room for my performance. "It's still ma chérie.", I give back. Just like this morning I close my eyes to feel. My fingers brush over the strings and I begin to sing. The song is about a tragic love story, in which the prince, even though he has saved his love the princess, gets banished by the king and dies on a quest. The life of the princess continues at the strict orders of her father. But over the years her dead lover haunts the narrative until she finally dies of a broken heart and reunites with him in paradies. It's kind of a tragic ballad, that a bard in a fantasy novel would sing. I meet silence. At first I think they didn't like it, but then Neil breaks the silence. "I don't even have words for this masterpiece."  "It is beautiful.", Knox exclaims with big eyes and Meeks and Pitts agree with him. Even Cameron, who doesn't seem really fond of me, nods. "Beautiful? No.", Charlie interrupts them. "This was devine! Otherwordly!" At their compliments I start to blush. "Oh, that was nothing." I'm not used to acknowledgement for my work except from Neil. "This was most definitley more than nothing.", Charlie persists. I bite my lip at his eagerness. As I sit down next to Todd he whispers in my ear. "You were good. You were really good." I smile at him thankfully.

We spend another hour in the cave than we set off to go back to Welton. "You know, you should really think about a carreer as a rockstar.", Charlie suggests walking beside me. "Come on, don't mess with me.", I utter, while looking on the ground. "No, I'm serious.", he instantly calls out. "I mean you voice is just-" His hands fly around, wildly gesturing. "And your songwriting, just phenomenal." My eyes find his brown ones. "You really think?"  "Absolutely." No one back at France ever likes my songs. They never understand, what I'm trying to say. Not even Louis has. But he has been so lured by my voice, that it didn't matter. And now here is Charlie practically praising me. "Well, thank you. But I don't think the Perry's would allow me to do something like that." Sometimes I think about my father and wether he would have supported me. I miss him a lot. "Well, who cares what they like.", Charlie rants about my legal guardians. "They clearly don't have taste at all." I can't help but laugh. "I like your enthusiasm, but if I do that, they would probably kick me out of the house." My companion just looks at me irritated that someone actually does something like this. "But you know-", I put a big smile on my face. "For my number one fan I could give some private concerts from now and then." A mischivious wink and I can see how surprised he is by my open flirting attempt. I' ve got him. This is a personal win for me in our little banter game. But I don't want to carry it to far, so I let our conversation go on in a normal direction. "So, tell me what do you want to do after graduating?", I ask interested. "Bold of you to assume, that I am even going to make it that far.", he mumbles and I nudge him. "Let's just say you will. What then? What is the great Charles Dalton going to do?" He snickers. "Well, can't you see my potential as a banker?", he says ironically. I furrow my eyebrows. "Now that you say it.", I shoot it back at him and we both laugh. Then he stares into the distance thinking. "I feel like I've never been alive.", he whispers almost sad after some time has passed. It's weird to hear him talk in this serious tone. "For years I have been risking nothing. I have no idea what I am or what I want to do. Neil knows he wants to act. Knox knows he wants this girl." I never would have suspected so much self doubt from him. Reassuringly I lay my hand at his shoulder. "You know, that is actually good. You'te not bound to anything yet." Charlie stares at me with questionmarks in his eyes. "You can still search for the right thing. Go travel, go on an adventure. Find yourself." He grins at me not as upset as before. "Not only a good singer, but also a wise advisor." We have no time to say anything more because suddenly we hear an agonizing cry. "God, I can't take it anymore!" It's Knox. Meeks and Pitts are already trying to talk to him but with no success. "If I don't have Chris, I will kill myself!", the poor boy continues screaming in the cold autumn night. "Knox, you gotta calm down." Neil walks to him as if he is some kind of aggresssive street cat. "No, I have been calm all my life! If I don't do something, it's gonna kill me!" Then, before somebody can grab him, he begins to run. "Where are you going?", Charlie screams after him. "I'm calling her!" And as we all are the best friends anybody can imagine, we run like crazy after him.