Dose of happiness

Prologue

Prologue

I was in the middle of solving of my activities when I heard strumming guitar. No one will do it, of course it's him. God, I've missed this man so much. I missed his voice, his touch, his presence. I really wanted to see him.

Wish I could be the one, the one who could give you love.

Para kang hinihele sa boses niya. Para ka niyang kinakausap sa paraang alam mong makakalma ka. Sobrang hinahon ng boses na parang hindi nagagalit o sumisigaw manlang.

Walang kupas, sobrang linis pa rin ng boses niya tuwing kumakanta. Papasok talaga siyang artist, bagay na bagay siya sa larangan na 'yon dahil alam kong kaya naman niya.

The kind of love you really need..

After he sang that part, he paused. Then I heard him chuckled. Pumikit ako, alam ko na 'to.

Wish I could say to you that I'll always stay with you, but, baby, that's not me.

He sang it with heart and broken soul. Para niya akong kinakausap. Alam ba niyang nandito ako? Kaya ito ang napili niyang kanta?

You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you. Promise you forever, baby, that's something I can't do.

Tangina.

Putangina talaga.

Sinarado ko ang libro at notebook ko, hindi ko kasi namalayan na tumutulo na pala ang luha ko.

"Ang sakit naman, nag-aaral lang ako na broken pa 'ko."

"Hoy, nakakahawa naman. Nasa healthy relationship naman ako bakit ganito naman."

"Parang ang alat na nung kape? Ay natapunan ko ata ng luha ko."

Narinig ko ang iilang bulong bulungan ng tao sa Cafe. Hindi ko sila pinansin, kung hindi ko lang sana 'to nararamdaman baka isa ako sa kanila na nagbibigay ng comment.

Oh, I could say that I'll be all you need, but that would be a lie.

Bumalik lahat sa'kin. Lahat ng mga alaala naming dalawa. Hindi ko kaya... hindi ako makahinga sa pagpipigil ng hikbi ko. Nakayuko ako para walang nakapansin sa'kin, ngunit halata naman sa nanginginig kong balikat na umiiyak ako.

I know I'd only hurt you I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needin'.I love you, goodbye.

I bit my lower lip, I needed to contain my cries. Kailangan kong tanggapin 'yung kinakanta niya ay sagot sa lahat ng texts ko sa kanya. Na wala na talaga. Na ayaw na niya talaga. I wiped my own tears. Mabuti nalang at hindi ako nag mascara ngayon.

I hope someday you can find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you. I don't really wanna go but deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do. You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be. Who'll give you something better than the love you'll find with me.

Those lines hit me hard. I can feel his heart saying these lines in front of me. Begging me not to come back, but to find somebody else to love. Because they can give me the things that he couldn't.

He... he always thought about those things that he can't give, but never the things that he did for me that made me feel alive, again.

Hindi niya nakita lahat ng ginawa niya for me to be happy in this life of mine. Life has been extensively draining me. And he was the only person that can fill my emptiness. Without any efforts, just... just his freaking presence.

'Yon lang naman hinihingi ko sa kanya. Bakit palagi niyang iniisip ko na kailangan ko ng mas higit pa? It was never been bare minimum! He's the silence in my chaotic world. He made it possible for me to believe that after the noises there will always silence and peace.

"Mahal nga kita!"

"Hindi mo ko naiintindihan, Yna." umiling din ako. "Hindi nga, tigilan mo na. Hindi ka ba naaawa sa sarili mo?"

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko.

"Mahal na mahal kita, paano mo nasasabi 'yan sa'kin? Palagi kitang pinipiling intindihin, pero bakit nagagawa mong sabihin 'yan sa'kin?" pahina na nang pahina ang boses ko. "Tangina, mahal kita eh." bulong ko.

"Hindi kita mahal." mahina ring sabi niya sa'kin. Unti unti kong inangat ang ulo ko para makita siya nang maayos. "Hindi kita mahal, Yna. Kaya tigilan mo na, umuwi ka na magpa-"

"Putangina mo." mahina pero pasigaw kong mura sa kanya. "Tangina mo."

"Right?" tumawa siya, pero may mga luhang pumatak sa kanyang pisngi. "Tangina ko talaga, Yna. 'Wag mong sayangin ang buhay mo sa'kin."

"Alam mo 'yan... alam mong hindi naging sayang ang mga araw na kasama kita kasi... kasi 'yon na nga lang pinanghahawakan ko eh."

"Hindi tayo parehas ng nararamdaman, Yna. Please stop doing this for me. Stop wasting your tears, time, effort and your genuine love for me."

"Pero kanino?"

"May iba-"

"If they are not you, I don't want them. End of discussion."

"I wanted you to be happy, Yna."

"You're my happiness, Alon. Alam mo 'yan." huling sinabi ko at hindi na nagpakita pa sa kanya.

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