Raspberry Reviews

Charlotte Loves || @vinculi

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REVIEWER: vinculi

Charlotte Loves by Afrojarose16

Title & Cover - 4/10

The title is interesting but doesn't really tell you anything about the story, nor does it fit with the mystery genre too well, but it works well for the romance part. The cover also isn't very appealing at first glance and wouldn't have drawn me to the book I'm afraid. I'd recommend maybe drafting a few other possible titles or keeping the one you have and getting a more eye-catching cover. Using a Canva template or graphic shop would probably be the best place to look, it's how I get most of my covers too.

Blurb - 3/5

The blurb gets the reader thinking but I think it could have been written a little better to give it more oomph and make it more gripping to potential readers. It isn't bad how it is but could be better.

Writing Style & Story Flow - 4/10

There is a lot of tells and not much show, by which I mean you should try to focus more on allowing the reader to experience the story and characters through actions, thoughts, sensory details, and feelings, rather than just factual descriptions. A lot of your writing is also very to the point, which isn't always a bad thing but some more description here and there could really help expand on what is going on and grip your reader more, not to mention it would help the story flow better too. What you're lacking most is more detail. Don't tell us 'looked at Cher and gave her an 'ah shit' look' but describe it. What did their face look like and why does it tell the reader and characters what is going to happen? Be more elusive and let the reader pick up on these things on their own without telling them everything so factually. This especially goes for mystery novels; they should be gripping and detailed and have you second-guessing everything that is going on which just felt absent in your writing. There is also a lot of dialogue and not much else. Things are happening but the story almost reads more like a script than a novel which can work as an interesting stylistic choice but personally, I would go for something more grounded. Keep the dialogue but expand on what else is happening in the narrated/written parts of the scene. The flashback in chapter 3 was probably my favourite part to read because it was more descriptive and less broken up by all this dialogue, so try to keep that in mind when you're writing. Dialogue is great but if you include too much it can feel overwhelming.

Grammar & Punctuation - 5/10

One thing I noticed reading this was that there were quite a lot of mistakes where grammar and punctuation are concerned. I'd recommend using Google Docs or Grammarly to help you check over your work to pick these small errors out. Some minor editing with one of these programs should do the job and help you tidy things up. One common mistake was using a period rather than a comma after dialogue before a tag. For example, '"Yeah! I heard she's really beautiful and is a freshman too." replied the girl next to her with excitement.' Should be: '"Yeah! I heard she's really beautiful and is a freshman too," replied the girl next to her with excitement.' The vocabulary could be expanded with more detailed narration and descriptions, which I felt were lacking a bit in this story

Plot - 7/10

The plot itself seems to be promising and makes for a great story, I just think that the mystery element could have been included a bit more in the first few chapters. As the story begins, the plot moves at an alright pace, but it feels like not too much is happening. It feels very much like a romance opening though so with a good twist into the mystery I'm sure it works great!

Character Development & Worldbuilding - 12/20

The characters come across just fine, they all have their own personalities and bounce off each other well. Sometimes they feel like they're talking in the same way but that's just something teenagers do so that's to be expected. I think the more you write and the more the story develops the more grounded the characters will become so keep it up!

Overview, Total - 35/65

Overall, this was an interesting read. It isn't my usual type of story, but I can see why people would like it. I only read the first five chapters, as per my review limit, so I didn't get to fully dive in and get to the real mystery of the story but for a romance it works well. I'd just recommend some editing to polish it up and the use of more descriptive writing, although that could be a personal preference for me, and others might prefer your way of almost script-like writing. I'm one for thick, juicy novels that are wordy as hell and only have dialogue here and there when it's necessary, but I know for a fact that other people prefer more dialogue-driven stories so this would be one for them. 

~Vincent.

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