after they met her

ten

TW - eating disorder, abuse

i v a n a

I walked in to the front door. As I stepped inside, the scene was all too predictable. Everyone was gathered in the living room eager to talk to me.

Or so I thought.

„So how was your first day back in high school, Raymond?" Logan mocked Ray, who was standing right behind me.

Something about this made me mad.

Why didn't he ask me first? I know that he was mocking him, but what about me?

Ray didn't react to him. He was quiet, still watching me after what happened in the car.

"How was your first day at school, Ivana?" Matt asked me.

I ignored Matthew. I walked past him and the others. Not sparing anyone another glance. "I have homework to do."

I didn't.

After that sentence I rushed into my room and closed the door shut.

In my room, I leaned against the door, trying to steady my breathing. My heart was racing, and I felt a familiar tightness in my chest. It wasn't fair. Ray was supposed to protect me, not overshadow me.

It wasn't his fault, I knew that. But still, the anger bubbled up, hot and vicious.

Why couldn't I be like him? Why couldn't I command a room like he did? I was angry at Ray for stealing the attention that I so desperately craved. But more than that, I was furious with myself for being so damn shy, so invisible.

I really thought it would be different here.

I am still so damn weak.

I sank to the floor, my back sliding down the door. My breaths came in short, sharp bursts, and I clutched at my chest, trying to quell the rising panic. Images flashed in my mind—him laughing, the girl at the orphanage beaming at him, even the sisters hanging on his every word. And then there was me, a shadow in the background, struggling to breathe, struggling to be seen.

Still, he got to me too, didn't he?

Iva.

Great, just great.

Remembering him meant remembering what happened, remembering what happened meant remembering why I left.

The panic attack hit me full force, and I curled up on the floor, my vision blurring with tears. I hated this. I hated feeling like I was drowning, hated that I couldn't control my own mind, my own body.

I hated Ray for reminding me, and I hated myself for letting it affect me.

I hate everything.

My thoughts spiraled, a relentless barrage of self-loathing and anger. I was pathetic. I was worthless. No wonder they all preferred Ray. Who wouldn't? He was everything I wasn't—confident, charming, strong. And here I was, a quivering mess on the floor, too scared to even demand to be noticed.

I went to the bathroom.

It was foolish of me to expect anything would change here. This family, this life, this world. It just wasn't for me.

I promised myself, I wouldn't do that again.

A pitiful laugh escaped my mouth. „It wasn't enough in the end."

Regulating what I eat, deciding whether I would drink something or not.

No, this works. It's fine.

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, the face looking back at me almost unrecognizable. My eyes were swollen and red from crying, my skin pale and blotchy. It felt like every ounce of energy had been drained from my body, leaving me hollow and empty.