after they met her

nineteen

i v a n a

I wake up, the morning light filtering through the curtains, casting a soft glow across the room.

For the first time in a long while, I find myself silently praying that something has happened. Something that would explain the strange feeling in my gut, the nagging worry that has been gnawing at me for a few days now.

Throwing back the covers, I quickly check my bedsheets.

Nothing.

I rush into the bathroom, my heart pounding in my chest.

Still nothing.

Panic began to rise within me as I realized my period is already two weeks late.

This has never happened before. I've always been regular, like clockwork.

I pace back and forth in the bathroom, biting my lip anxiously, holding my tummy as if trying to will my body to cooperate.

Why is nothing happening? Why is my body betraying me now, when everything else in my life feels so uncertain?

The thought hits me like a ton of bricks: What if I'm pregnant?

The mere idea sends shivers down my spine. No, it can't be. I've never had sex before. You have to have sex to have a baby. I know that.

But then my mind starts to race, playing out every possible scenario. What if something happened that I don't remember? What if...?

I start to sweat, my palms sweaty with fear and anxiety.

I try to push away the intrusive thoughts, but they keep coming back, relentless and unforgiving. I went to a public restroom some days ago, I remember. And in this house, I use the same bathrooms as the men. What if something was on the toilet seat? What if...? Oh, dear God.

And then it hits me like a lightning bolt: Ray's jogging pants. I wore them once during PE because I forgot mine. Oh god. He wore them the day before, so something might have gotten out. Can they survive that long?

The realization sends me into a full-blown panic. I can't be pregnant. I just can't. What will my brothers think of me? What will they say? What will they do?

They will kill Raymond.

I start pacing around in the bathroom floor, tears streaming down my face, my mind spinning with a thousand different fears and worries. How am I supposed to go to school like this? I can't face anyone, not like this. Oh god, what am I going to do?

How am I going to get through this?

Despite the turmoil churning inside me, I steel myself and decide to go downstairs.

I can't let anyone see the fear and uncertainty that's threatening to consume me. So, I put on a façade, a mask and go about my morning routine as if nothing is wrong.

I will just act like usual. It's going to be fine.

Downstairs, I force myself to eat some apple slices, the taste bland and unappealing in my mouth.

My brothers are already seated at the table, their expressions unreadable as they exchange glances. I can feel their eyes on me, scrutinizing my every move, and it only adds to my growing sense of unease.

Do they know?

I sit silently, lost in my own thoughts. My brothers exchange puzzled glances, their brows furrowed in confusion.

Gray clears his throat. "Good morning, Ivana," he says, his tone questioning.

I jump slightly, startled out of my reverie. "Oh, uh, morning," I mumble, my voice barely audible.