My journal

5/5/24

Dylan ended up dating Bailey. I knew he was going to prom with her even when he tried to hide it. I'm not surprised but I'm still hurt because he lied to me. 

Grace told me to get over it. 

It makes sense. I know that it's annoying that I talk about him all the time. He does this every single time we start talking and I always fall for it. I want to warn Bailey, but I fear she may just think I'm jealous or crazy. The truth is, I'm just so ugly that Dylan could never truly want me. Bailey is skinny. Bailey is perfect.

I made it to about 11:40 am without eating. any normal person could do that. I think I'm a wannarexic at this point. I need to starve. I feel good when I starve. I deserve to starve. after all, I am a fat pig so there's no reason for me not to. what now. I can't wait for my vapes to come in. They'll reduce my appetite. The flavors in the vape will help me to stop eating. It'll be good.

 I ordered three. A strawberry banana, a strawberry berry ,and some menthol pods for my Vuse alto which I plan to refill once I can get my hands on juice again. I gave up my juice to my mom during the summer after I stole her money and she asked if there was anything else I was hiding. I'm grateful I didn't give up the actual Vuse device. I wouldn't know what to do. I'm praying that I don't get caught when they do come in. If I do not only am I grounded for life but I don't have my appetite suppressant. But that won't happen. I'll find a way. 

This time if I get sad I'll hide the vape(s) first. so when I come back I won't have to worry about my mom taking them. I hate it when my mom goes through my shit. She finds the things I don't want her to find. like the old suicide notes, or the razor blades, or the vapes or weed, or anything else that I don't want her to find. it's exhausting having to find new ways to get my hands on the things I crave. I quit weed simply because I can't stand the smell. that and it makes me hungry, and when I'm high I don't have the logic to keep myself from eating. In the end, I'll have to find a way to make it work. Maybe my brother will have the car the day that my vapes come in. I'm not sure. All I know is that I need to make sure I get my vapes. I have a plan for what I can say was inside the box. I'll keep some of the tcs  (tissue culture plants) that I get from Microcultivate in the flasks so when my dad asks what I bought I'll say just a few more tcs for my business. (yes I'm starting a plant business) the only way it would be a problem would be if my dad were to check the mail before I got home. but he usually doesn't open my packages so something I could do is say I got something for his birthday coming up so he can't open it or question it. I'll just have to get him something for his birthday, but my mom has that covered for me. I'm just so tired. tomorrow will hopefully be a better day since i have school and I don't actually have to hide the fact that I'm starving myself. Tomorrow my vapes should be shipped as well so I should have those by the end of the week.

I have obviously lost my mind. something must be wrong with me I keep eating. I cant stop. I'm not sure what to do.  I purged everything but i still feel awful about it. I hate this. I hate everything. I want to die. But as I said before, it'd suck to die fat so I'll just have to hold on until I get my weight down.

Well. Tomorrow I have school. I'm not sure I want to go, but it's not like I have much of a choice. I could fake being sick, but with my grades being the way they are two weeks before school ends there's not really much of a point. I don't even care about getting my grades up anymore. I've lost the will to do anything. i've lost the will to live. to try. I'm just here now. I don't really know what to do anymore. With the way my life is going, I'm going to end up alone. Not that it matters anyways. No one cares. the only thing keeping me here anymore is the fact that I don't want to die fat. How sad is that honestly. writing things like this should make me feel sad, but to be honest i don't really feel anything right now. No. Thats a lie. I'm angry. I'm angry that i cant just look the way I want. Be the way I want to be. I have endless dreams that will never come true due to the sheer fact that I'm a useless nobody with nothing on her side. 

Even my best friend is starting to get annoyed with me. During Pop show, we had to learn and memorize a bunch of choreography. I for one, am a terrible dancer, I can't seem to coordinate my body the way I want to. This is frustrating for me. I try so hard with no results, but thats nothing new, is it? Anyways, back to the point. I suck at dancing, and the majority of the dances required partner work. My best friend isn't a dancer, but she's coordinated enough to figure it out and look good doing it. I knew she was getting frustrated with me. I understand why, we went over the dances over and over and I still couldn't get it down. I'm not sure why, I just couldn't seem to put one foot in front of the other. I'd be angry with me too, she says she doesn't care, but deep down we both know she does. It's frustrating to be around someone who cant learn something simple.

Grace tries hard to be patient with me. But just like the theatre troop at my school (this group is very toxic, everyone talks shit about everybody. But most importantly, they HATE me) patience runs out. I am a very annoying person. I know this. I'm doing my best to change but I'm not really sure how to. I became as introverted as possible, I kept to myself, I didn't really talk to anyone because if I  did they'd hate me for being in their space. I'm like a bug. useless, irritating, and extremely annoying. 

I was introduced to the theatre troop my freshman year when I tried out for Oliver and got in. When the first read through came around I only knew two people there. (Maya and another girl who we'll call Makenzie) Maya isn't always the nicest, but she is talented. More than I'll ever be. I've known her since 7th grade during covid year. I wasn't really friends with Makenzie at the time. (I only knew her because she was in my choir in 8th grade), but I hung around them because they were familiar faces. I made friends with the theatre troop during Oliver, There was only one guy who didn't really like me. He was the theatre teachers son. for the purpose of this story we'll call him Luke. Luke found me Annoying. Which I can understand. Everyone loved Luke. 

Over time, as the theatre troop got to know me, they liked me less and less. It's understandable. My best friend at the time was from the theatre troop (she was my best friend, I'm not sure I was hers). Her name was Kassie. I made a big mistake with Kassie, I opened up to her. But I did it in the wrong way. She was the only outlet that I had. The only person that I had. I would tell her everything, and that was too much for her. she's a kid too, she's not supposed to help bring a suicidal person out of the gutter. So, she didn't.  After I returned from the mental hospital following a suicide attempt, Kassie started acting weird around me. I eventually found out through a mutual friend that Kassie didn't want to be friends anymore. At that time all I needed was for someone to be there. Instead I was completely and utterly alone. Kassie left when I needed her the most. I'm not angry at her for doing what she needed to do to make herself better. I'm proud she was strong enough to leave when she needed to. I was just sad that I was alone again. No one was on my side anymore. I attempted suicide for the second time two days later.

Since then not a single person on the theatre troop wants anything to do with me, including Maya. Around them I do the best I can to be invisible. I stay out of the way, and don't bother anyone if I don't have to. I'm Kind to them if i have to talk to them, but I really just avoid them to avoid conflict.

The point of that story is, one way or another I end up alone. I can feel that coming with Grace. I'm waiting for the day that I get the paragraph long text that explains how much of a shit bag I am, and that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. Without her, I'm alone. She's getting frustrated with me. I feel like I complain all the time. I'm not athletic like she is. I'm not fit like she is. I love grace like a sister, but I don't think she holds that same love for me. That's okay. I don't deserve her, and she doesn't deserve to be dragged down by someone like me. She has her friends, a boyfriend, she's happy. Yet for some reason, I can't join her in that.