My journal

5/10/24

It's been a few days since I've updated, sorry about that. I'm not sure why I'm apologizing, its not like anyone is going to read this. Anyways, I was officially diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa (moderate) on Wednesday (The 8th). Something about it unsettles me. Maybe because I didn't believe that I had.. well, have an eating disorder. I'm not that sick. At least I don't think so. I was on an online group, I remember them saying that having bulimia, put short, was super embarrassing. "imagine eating so much and then having to purge it" they'd say, or, "why cant they just starve and not puke up everything they eat?" I tried so hard to deny that I have bulimia, and now that it's been diagnosed I cant really hide from it anymore. It upsets me that I have bulimia instead of anorexia. It's embarrassing. I was happier with the unspecified ED diagnosis. I restrict too, and I don't binge often, I do purge everything though. I guess thats Bulimia though. My mom said that bulimics gain weight, but I've been losing a lot. I dropped ten pounds in one two weeks. Although i keep eating junk food, so I might gain it back. I really need to stop.

It doesn't feel like I have an actual eating disorder. Sure, I've lost maybe 10 lbs, but I'm at a healthy weight for my height. I restrict and don't binge often, but when I do, it's usually upwards of 1500 calories. I constantly feel like I'm faking when I eat. Like someone is going to call me out for lying. Yesterday I was in the car with my friend. We had gone to 7/11 and were eating cheapy taquitos. They were pretty decent, but I purged them when we were done. in the car I said something along the lines of "I love food" my friend look at me confused and said something like "I don't want to be a douche, but don't you have an eating disorder?" Immediately I was kinda taken aback. I wasn't expecting that. I felt like a fake after she said that. Like I was just attention seeking. I do like food. Does that make me fake? Even though I purge all of it, is it wrong to still enjoy eating? I feel like I have to fit a certain standard after my diagnosis. Like if I don't I'm just an attention seeker. I feel like I have to starve myself to actually have an eating disorder. I do starve, but I still eat sometimes. Am I a wannarexic?

I just binged.. and I didn't even starve first. That means that tomorrow i'm going to have to starve. I ate two Oreo ice cream sandwiches and about half a pound cake thats around 1390 calories plus whatever else I ate today. My total intake is probably around 2500 calories. I'm such a fat failure. I'm disgusting. I hate myself.

...

Today I had an appointment to revisit my 504. The feedback that a few of my teachers gave made me kinda sad. My grades have been slipping ever since my ed started, this of course caused irritation among my teachers. Yet not a single one of them noticed that I was struggling, either that or they simply don't care (or have the time to care). then again, no one notices you have an ED until you're underweight. This is one of the things that makes me feel like a fake. I'm technically a normal weight. Even with a diagnosis, not being underweight truly makes me feel like I don't deserve to get help. I'm not sick enough yet.

In other news, my mom made chicken noodle soup for dinner tonight since I have a cold. It felt really good on my sore throat. After I had cleaned the kitchen I went downstairs to "shower" I purged everything instead. Which of course felt awful with my throat already being sore. It hurts worse now (which is no surprise, but it is still annoying). I noticed something strange when I was purging as well. When I pulled the toothbrush out of my mouth I noticed  a small amount of red. it didn't look like food, more liquid. I hadn't eaten anything red either. It wasn't a lot, but it looked a lot like blood. I kept purging anyways. I noticed small amounts of red coming out with the vomit for the rest of the time. It made me a little paranoid, but I'm sure I'm fine. I drank water afterwards to make sure nothing was seriously wrong and nothing seemed out of the ordinary except for my throat hurting,  but it wasn't bad so I'm not worried.