It's been a while since I've written in this little journal. Things aren't going well. I've completely lost track. I haven't gained too much but I still gained. I'm so unhappy in my skin. I feel disgusting. I need to lose weight. I'll never be beautiful if I don't. No one likes a fat girl. I'm weighing in at 142.2 That's 5 lbs gained. I'm officially fat and disgusting. Losing weight was so easy for me before but I lost all motivation. What happened? What's wrong with me? I don't understand why I have to be such a failure. I had to eat breakfast today because my dad wanted me, my brother, and him to go out to eat. I don't know why I didn't turn it down. I should've. I will fast for the rest of today and as long as I can tomorrow. I have to lose this weight. I've got about 40 extra lbs that I don't need. I look like a pig. I belong on my 600lb life. Classic American I guess... Fat and disgusting. I hate myself so much it is not even funny. I want to be thin. I want to be perfect. I want to be beautiful so others will like me.
I wonder how much weight I would lose if I didn't eat for a week. I'm curious to find out. I go on vacation for a week on Sunday, maybe if I don't eat the whole time I'm there I'll lose weight. It'll be really hard for me to purge at my grandparent's house because they live in a small place, and the walls are thin. Everyone would hear me, and that would be bad.
On the brighter side of things, I got a job. It's a fast food place so it is not the best for me to be working there, but it keeps me away from home. I don't have to come up with excuses for why I cant eat because i wont be at home. No one can question me. and no one at work seems to notice that i don't eat on my lunch break. its amazing. i have to be quiet or else others might force me into recovery. Now THAT would be bad. I have to be skinny before school starts. i have a month and a half to do that. I know I can. I have to, for no one else but me I have to be beautiful so I can love myself.
oh to be skinny. how amazing that would be.
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My journal
RandomWarning: This journal contains dark topics about eating disorders, self harm, drugs (nicotine, weed), and suicidal thoughts. This is my personal vent journal. Its not that interesting, but you can read it if you want. give advice or whatever. its...
