A Song of Faithless Shadows

63. The Symmetry of Us

Azriel

I don't think I slept last night. All I could do to combat her absence was curl Briar to my chest, but he eventually got crabby with all my tossing and turning.

I've been burning the candle at both ends trying to find Amren which Gwyneth knows. I can only assume she is unhappy with me for it, but I have an inability to ignore threats on her life. Still, I doubt Gwyneth knows the extent to which I'm looking for Amren.

I wipe the blood off my hands as I meet Feyre in the chamber, her watching me with a resigned look on her face. "Don't give me that look," I beg her quietly, sheathing my dagger.

"You look a star short of a constellation of madness," she tells me. "When was the last time you slept?"

"Properly? I'm uncertain," I reply. "But last night was especially restless."

"I have half a mind to send you home for the day," she crosses her arms.

"Is Gwyneth back?" I ask her because that is all I can seem to care about anymore.

"She's still in Spring," she says evasively. It's odd, seeing as she should already be home. She's avoiding me, no doubt, likely unhappy with the distance I've kept these last days. "She is supposed to return after lunch."

I nod, satisfied as I can be. Her fury, I could handle, but I needed her proximity with it. Not seeing her, being so far from her? It made me reckless. More reckless.

"I suspect she isn't happy with your gruff determination?" Feyre asks.

"I'll fix it when I know she is safe," I tell her. "When I am certain Amren is no longer a threat."

"This woman was once your friend," Feyre reminds me.

"She was never my friend," I snap, wincing at the tone I take. "Sorry, I'm just... on edge."

"I noticed," Feyre says, looking me over like one might look over an oil fire. "It's why I'm sending you home."

"Feyre-"

"Azriel," she cuts me off with command that surprises me. "You are killing yourself over this-"

"Because I failed," I whisper. "When something is happening right under our noses, Feyre, it's my job to sniff it out. I failed."

"It's not that simple," Feyre says, stepping closer, squeezing my hand. "You'd take this hard regardless, sure, but you're taking this like an arrow to the heart because of Gwyn. This has become a conflict of interest, Azriel. I can't, in good conscience, facilitate your descent into madness."

"But-"

"Go home, Azriel," she orders me one last time. "Prepare how you will apologize to Gwyneth for being so singularly-focused."

"But I'm not sorry," I tell Feyre. "I'm not sorry that she is my singular focus."

"Then, go home and rest," she tells me instead. "Perhaps you'll wake up with some sense— though perhaps I'm being too optimistic."

"Is this an order or a suggestion?"

"If you'll go willingly, then it is just a suggestion," she tells me, squeezing my hand again before letting go, face hard. "But if you want to argue more, it is an order."

I sigh out, running my hand over my jaw before leaving the Court of Nightmares. I find no rest in the house of wind, so I just sit there. I sit there, and I wait for her.

...

Gwyneth

Elain smiles when we first materialize in the Spring Court. Tamlin would be gone until lunch, so he isn't there to greet me upon my return. I know I am welcome to his gardens and grounds, so I tell Elain that she is too.