living on a fault line

VI

Notes:

TW for graphic medical procedure/blood.

The diner is half-full, the buzz from conversations around them a perfect backdrop for a casual, easy lunch. It's past 3 already, though, so Roseanne isn't sure if it counts as lunch. Not dinner, yet, though. She's having dinner with Eunwoo and Eli back home.

Is there even a word to describe a meal at this time? Like brunch? Roseanne is nervous.

Her ex-wife sits across from her, idly thumbing her phone while they wait for the food to arrive.

She doesn't blame Lisa, she can read her face like it was still the first day (Roseanne wonders if that will ever stop) and knows by her frown, she's nervous too. Lisa uses books and cell phones like crutches when she's nervous, which almost never happened.

Roseanne looks out to the street.

It's not uncomfortable per see, just strange, after so long. She knows it won't last. Once their food gets here and now that they're both firmly trying, things will go back to normal. Or, their new normal, the one they're trying to build. They can be civil, and talk, just talk. (At least, Roseanne hopes. She doesn't think the other night was a fluke.)

Because the other night Roseanne had slipped back into banter with Lisa so easily. She'd spoken to her as easy as breathing, like the months, years hadn't passed. Flirting is what she did at one point, which is all sorts of ridiculous, because she has a boyfriend and Lisa is her ex-wife.

(It had nothing to do with the way Suzy was looking at Lisa back at the theater, the obvious look in her eyes as she flirted with her ex-wife in front of her eyes. How it prickled, in her chest and across her skin. Not that it matters. Lisa can do what she wants. Roseanne knows it's irrational, that she doesn't have a leg to stand on here, that she doesn't get to be uncomfortable. Still.)

But that hour, at the restaurant?

It was the first time this week Roseanne hadn't been consumed with worry about her appointment. Lisa's presence always had a way of calming her down, and it's the excuse she gives herself, for how she acted.

It was also the first time she'd seen such a big smile on Eli's face while they were both in the same room, since her birthday party.

And now? Sitting in front of her in the middle of a diner, like they used to do so many years ago, it's so difficult to keep her old feelings in check. She's moved on. (She has, she's with Eunwoo, she has.) But even though she might not be in love anymore doesn't mean she doesn't love Lisa.

Even before, when there was still anger and resentment, she could acknowledge that. They have a child together. There's no erasing that. A part of her will always love Lisa, those feelings will always be there, inside her, like the perennial oak trees that line her childhood street. Lisa lines her heart, her name is scribbled everywhere on its surface.

Roseanne couldn't forget her if she tried. And she's done trying.

They can make this work. Their marriage is long gone but they can be better mothers, the mothers Eli deserves. She told her daughter things would be different and she'll be damned if she doesn't try her hardest to make that happen.

Lisa smiles at her, faint, but it's still there.

It seems Roseanne's not the only one willing to try.

(December 29th, 2023.)

"Why doesn't mommy cook any more?" Eli asks, looking up at Roseanne. "I want veggie bits."

Roseanne shakes her head, amused by the thought of her five year old actively asking for greens. She's lucky.

"You're the most special kid," Roseanne tells her, and Eli, who's never been starved for compliments, positively beams at the praise. It's not like Roseanne is pulling her attention from the question. Lisa just hasn't felt up to cooking, and Roseanne is done trying to push them back to a normal routine. It didn't help.