Happisad Memories

A Mother's Farewell

I don't really know what to write to you, I am not even sure that any of it would make any sense. I don't understand what happened and why you left. I keep on being told that you are now an angel baby watching over me, I don't even believe in God or heaven so this does not comfort me, the only thing I can do is hope you did not suffer and that you are in a better place wherever nature took you. I am writing to you as if you were the young woman I imagined you would be.

I wish I knew you more than 39 2/7 weeks, I bet you would have been nice, beautiful, and smart. Honestly, I would have settled for alive because in my eyes you were already perfect. I didn't understand why mothers were biased until now. It looks like you taught me something. I had all these plans for you, I never plan anything normally unless it is work-related (you must have understood this real quick in my belly, I was never on a perfect sleeping or eating schedule) but I got organized for you and our future together.

I wish you celebrated your first Halloween in your wonder woman outfit and your first Christmas in one of the beautiful dresses my coworkers offered you. I am sure you would have hated me later for all the cheesy pics I would have taken but it would have been worth it. I wish I took you to your first daycare day and your first school day and your prom and all of these things that you and I will never experience together. I wish you could have seen how awesome your father is and what a beautiful room he built for you.

I hope you know that if I were given the opportunity to give my life for you, I would have. I think you know that both your dad and I would have because we already loved you very much and still do. But you did not give us a chance. You went to bed with me one evening and never woke up the next morning. You kicked in the night one last time and got silent. Nobody understands any of it.

I feel angry, sad, and abandoned. I did everything I could to keep you safe and somehow it was not enough. I am being told it is not my fault and doctors have not found anything either, so I wish you could tell me what happened. Maybe it was your decision not to show; maybe you had better things to do than joining our world. I have always said that I felt bad for any child coming into our current world because it is so cruel. Maybe I scared you.

The young woman I imagined you would become would have probably said that shit happens and life goes on. That's something I would have said in my 20s too but I guess it is not that simple. I just hope that in some parallel world you are happy and that I can meet you some day. Whatever happens, you will always be my daughter and I will always love you. I will never forget you.