Crybaby

7 - Yunho

Yunho wandered aimlessly through the night. He put one foot in front of the other, not even knowing exactly where he was. His heartbeat was still elevated, but being out of the apartment alone, moving, not confined, and breathing cold, fresh air was a relief.

The panic attack had come on suddenly and so strongly that Yunho couldn't think clearly anymore. The only impulse was: run! And that's what he did. He grabbed his jacket and just walked out the door without telling anyone, and since then, he had been wandering aimlessly through the dark streets of Seoul.

He was lucky that it was drizzling, so few to no people were out and about. Nevertheless, he pulled the hood of his olive-green jacket low over his face to remain as unnoticed as possible.

It was somewhat eerie when he looked left and right into dark corners and closed shop windows. He wasn't used to being alone and especially not in the dark. But compared to his inner state, that was the lesser evil, so he just kept going...

He walked stoically for a while, his mind empty, feeling like he was in a movie. It was as if it wasn't him who was walking alone through the streets right now, but someone else he was watching. He trembled internally, feeling like he might throw up.

He didn't know how long he had been walking when he leaned against the wall under the awning of a closed restaurant. He was scared. He had never experienced anything like this. He didn't know this overwhelming feeling of panic, didn't know what it was like to lose control and not be able to think clearly at all. And he knew he had just messed everything up — absolutely everything — by running away. And he knew he couldn't go back now. There was absolutely no way he could go back to the apartment and go to the fan meeting in a few hours and pretend everything was okay. It wasn't possible; he had a complete mental block.

These problems had arisen a few months ago and had somehow become worse. Insidiously, until they had suddenly overtaken him...

The last promotion phase had been difficult for him. Very difficult. He didn't know why, but he had less energy than before, and he just felt tired. It was a heavy fatigue, one he hadn't experienced before. In addition, more and more often, after their long days, an internal emptiness crept in, one Yunho couldn't place and it troubled him. It seemed to linger, causing his bright demeanor to increasingly become a facade, one he held up with all his strength for everybody's sake.

He felt insignificant. And it was true that over the years, he had definitely faded into the background in public perception. He was good, he could dance well, and he was a good singer. However, Hongjoong, San, and Seonghwa were definitely the most well-known and beloved Ateez members, but Wooyoung and Mingi also had great fame, and Jongho, although less present, was one of the best vocalists in the industry, and their songs wouldn't be the same without his high belts. Yeosang and Yunho often faded into the background, with Yeosang at least having his visuals... Yunho sometimes didn't know exactly where he belonged... He was redundant. And it showed in the numbers too. Yunho's fancams weren't watched as often, and overall, there was less media attention on him.

At the same time, he knew how stupid it was to worry about these things. Ateez was doing well, they were successful, and as long as the team worked, everything was okay. Nevertheless, these things had been weighing on him so heavily lately that he couldn't sleep at night...

And even though it should be mutually exclusive, the less energy he had, the less he wanted to eat. He had little joy in eating, and his hunger had disappeared anyway. He only felt physically that he should eat something when he noticed that his blood sugar was too low. Sometimes he felt dizzy for a moment, and then he forced himself to eat something.

The more tired he was and the more he worried about everything, the more difficult it became for him to face the public, as was evident at the recent fan meeting... And especially now. Just the thought of standing in front of people in a few hours and having to interact with them sent his pulse racing again.

A shiver ran down his back, and he shook himself. He didn't know if it was from the cold wet weather or his tension. He pushed away from the wall and walked quickly again, before he flinched as a stab shot through his face from the push-off. He was sure nothing was broken, but it was definitely a bruise and it hurt... it would probably end up in a black eye; he might already have one. He hadn't looked in the mirror anymore. The pain added to all the burdens of recent times and threatened to crush him.

And besides, Yunho couldn't handle how Mingi had treated him yesterday in the airport restroom. The punch itself didn't matter to Yunho; Mingi hadn't done it on purpose. The situation had just been shitty because some people at the airport had overreacted. To be honest, Yunho didn't really know what Mingi wanted from him... He did everything to make Mingi feel comfortable and not burden him with any more worries. Just because Mingi couldn't handle it didn't give him the right to take out his bad mood on him. Just holding onto him had been so intrusive that it should make one angry.... What was Mingi even thinking?

Yunho sighed. That's what he wanted to tell himself, at least, because rationally, that's what it had been: intrusive.

Mingi was way too close. Way, way too close for Yunho's taste. He immediately felt warm again at the memory, and he felt a familiar pull in his lower abdomen... and he immediately felt ashamed. Why was his body reacting this way? It was just wrong. He squeezed his eyes shut at the memory. He wished he could burn it out of his mind... Mingi's deep, sonorous voice so close to his ear just turned him on. He couldn't help it. He was disturbed by the fact that this and Mingi's sudden aggression and dominance had apparently aroused him.

He wasn't gay. He wasn't into men. And especially not into Mingi. That was not possible.

This underlying tension had been there between them for a long time, maybe even since they met. After all, Mingi's mother even once thought they were too close... Over the years, the tension had been more or less present, and that's why - when it got more intense - Yunho kept distancing himself and covered his uncertainty with jokes instead of facing it. And Mingi naturally felt that and even publicly demanded more attention again. Mingi was just super clingy or loyal. And it wasn’t that Yunho didn’t understand there was somewhat more to Mingi’s feelings. He just tended to avoid it because he was completely overwhelmed and didn't know what to do.

Yunho covered his face with his hands. If this continued, he would eventually give in to Mingi's advances... but at the same time he was afraid what the consequences would be. He would not only jeopardize his career. If that leaked, everything would be over.

To prevent that, he would have to push Mingi even further away from him. But that was also impossible. Mingi wasn't doing well in general, and if Yunho distanced himself from him, it would break the other's heart. And if Mingi's mental state deteriorated further, Yunho was at risk of him suspending their activities again, and Yunho couldn't go on without him...

No matter how he turned and twisted it, all the alternatives sucked. He walked faster, desperately hoping that if he ran far enough, he could escape all the chaos in his mind.