chance

chapter 9

After a blissful couple weeks of song writing and spending what little time I had spare in billies arms, I decide to spend some time on my own. We had been seeing each other for just over a month at this point and I'm falling hard.
Thankfully I'm not well known by the public or the paparazzi yet so I'm able to very easily go out for now. I get into my beat up red car and turn on the radio, I let my mind go idle as I drive into downtown la. I eventually decide on a little book shop. The bell dings as flakes of green paint fall from the opening door. My Jordans creek on the old wooden floors as I'm greeted by a very small, old lady. Her face reminds me of that saying about wrinkles being like maps, as I could see each emotion she's felt in those lines, while I was thinking, her face begins to glow with a cheery smile.
"Can I help you dear?"
"No thank you, I'm just going to browse."
"Just let me know if I can help deary." She coos.
I smile, grazing my hand across well worn titles, my hand stops on one of my favourites, to the lighthouse by Virgina Woolf, I pick it up looking at its yellowing cover and the brown pages within. I bring it too my nose, flicking a few pages, allowing the sent to be released. Bliss. I decide to buy it for Bill. I continue walking through the aisles of the silent shop. These tall bookcases seem to go on forever, leading towards the darkened desk where the lady sits. After a while of walking and enjoying the peace, I approach the desk. It's covered in scraps of paper, books, vintage lamps and cat statuettes. As I pay, I take in the lady's face once more. I wonder what I will look like at that age, will I look kind like her or twisted and rude like so many other old people, and what about Billie? Sometimes I even wonder if I'll make it to that age, those years that I was stuck in my parents home were excruciating, will I know Billie at that age? I know we've only been seeing each other for a short amount of time but I think I'm starting to fall for her.
The bell chimes again as I leave, the sun shocking my eyes, making everything a brilliant white. I make my way back to my car, putting on an old Spotify playlist I made years ago for an ex. After a couple songs, I'm not shocked to hear one of billies songs come on, bitches broken hearts, my finger hovers over the skip button before deciding to just let it play. I had been intending to go home, but I find myself driving towards Billie, she told me where the spare key was a couple weeks ago when I left something at hers whilst we were recording. So despite her being busy for the day I'll be able to get in, I think she's in some sort of meeting.

I park my car up, taking a pen out of my glove compartment to write a note inside the books for Billie. Walking up the path to her door, I take in the familiar smell of herbs from her garden and search for the key under her decking furniture. Walking up to the door, key in the door and the book tucked under my arm, I begin to hear voices.
Her living room and kitchen were empty so I creep upstairs, following the muffled laughter and hushed conversation, I push open the door.
A near naked Billie is straddling a man in the bed we were lying in mear hours ago. Her head whips around as my vision blurs.
"Bella it's not what it looks like." The look of devastation in her eyes does nothing to sooth my anger.
"Billie what the FUCK is this?"
Silence.
"Nothing? You got nothing to say to me?"
She puts a t shirt on, as the man slinks off. Silent still.
"Am I supposed to pretend I haven't just walked in on- on- well whatever the fuck this is!" I throw my arms up.
"Look I don't even know why you're mad!" She yells.
"What the fuc-"
"I mean we aren't even fucking dating, you didn't ask me to be exclusive!"
"That because I was expecting you to go fuck some ugly ass man whilst I was out!"
"Me and jesse were seeing each other before I even met you!" She screamed.
I let my mouth open and the tears roll, angry at myself for being so stupid.
"I can't believe you." I say quietly, "I thought we had something."
She goes quiet, letting her eyes reach the floor.
"Why? Why didn't you fucking tell me?" I ask.
She continues to look down.
"Fucking answer me!" I get in her face, she pushes me back. Then grabs the back of my neck, pulling me into a kiss. For a moment it all disappears, all there is, is her lips against mine and a thick tension. I know that I'm stood at a precipice and have to make a decision, so I push her back.
"WHAT THE FUCK?! Do you really think sex is going to fix this?" I wipe her kiss from my lips, "here this was for you!" I throw the book at her and let the door slam behind me as I leave.
"Wait Bella!" I hear her follow me down the stairs. "Bella please, can we talk? I don't want to lose you! PLEASE?"
I look up, Billies face looks waxy and contorted in worry, tears about to break.
"I can't even look at you right now." I spit.
"Please," her voice breaks as her cheeks wetten, "everyone always leaves."
"You're seriously making this about yourself right now?"
"I-"
"No no, be fucking for real. YOU were fucking some guy and IM expected to pity you. Fuck off! I really thought we had something and now you've thrown it all in my face?"
"Bella-" she sobs, reaching out for my hand.
"No leave me alone." I turn on my heel and speed towards the door.
"Bella! Please!" She screams as I turn the key in my ignition.