chance

chapter 4

A warm, rhythmic sensation on my neck awakes me. It pulls me from a heavy sleep, so it takes me a while to remember last night. I open my eyes to see a mess of takeout in Finneas' room. He sits across from me, crumpled, still fast asleep. I notice weight on my shoulder and even breaths to my left. Billie is asleep on me. Our arms interlinked. I freeze, not wanting to wake her. Turing my head slightly, I look down, letting myself take in her beauty. She has this clear, glassy, pale skin that looks so perfect, it almost looks fragile. Her skin is contrasted by her thick eyebrows and her pillowy, pink lips. God they have the colour of roses.
I feel a sudden jolt through her body, and she slowly begins to stir. Her face screws up and she brings her free hand to her face, rubbing her once peaceful eyes. She must've now processed our intimate sleeping position as she swivels her head violently to catch my stare. We lock eyes. Those blue pools pour deeply into my soul, searching for something. I feel the short distance begin to close between us, slowly. Our eyes locked, until hers dip to my lips, I flick mine to hers too.
We suddenly break apart after hearing Finneas grunt in his sleep. I look at her on the other side of the sofa, fidgeting with her rings.

"Shall we go grab breakfast", she offers not making eye contact. I follow her to the kitchen and help her find ingredients for vegan pancakes. After a short search on her phone, she silently settles on a recipe.
Whilst whisking, she spills flour onto the counter, I can't help but throw some at her. This finally breaks our awkward silence, us both erupting into laughter. I point at her flour covered nose, she responds by throwing some back at me. The heaviness of whatever had happened this morning was lifted, we continued to joke and talk as we cooked.

"God would you guys please shut up" Finneas groans. He stretches his gangly body in the door frame. He grabs a cup of coffee and sits at the island patiently waiting for food.
She reaches across me for the blueberries, dragging her fingers over my forearm. My eyes dart up reaching hers again, I break the intensity by flipping another pancake.
We join Fin at the island and his mess of ginger hair at the kitchen island, admiring the blueberry pancakes we had made. Fin talks about samples and ad-libs he wants on this track, Billie hums the song quietly, clearly thinking through his ideas. As they're both quietly in their own world, I pull my phone out my back pocket: five missed calls from Holly, 11 messages from Holly and a couple from my parents. I excuse myself to the living room, listening to the dial tone.
"Where the fuck are you?" Holly hisses.
"I'm at Fins, we were working on this door new-"
"Okay so you're telling me you forgot to message me last night? I was worried sick. I get back from a long ass shift to find you're not at our apartment and on top of that you forget your mom is coming over today?"
Blood drains from my head.
"Shit Holly I'm so fucking sorry, I'll be over as soon as possible."
"And how are you going to do that? You left your fucking car!"
"Shit. It's fine I'll just grab an uber."
"Nah you won't", Billie interjects, "I drove you here, I'll drive you back." She winks, followed with a smirk.
"It's really okay, I'll just call an-"
"Nope I'm driving you, end of." She leans casually in the doorway. I continue to watch her as I say goodbye to Holly. I notice her eyes climb from my boobs back up to my face, my breath hitches, I return the smirk.

We turn into the car park of my apartment complex, I spot my mom's car. I thank Billie again and watch as she speeds away. Taking a moment before I go inside, I stand looking at the clouds, desperately trying to understand what the hell had happened this morning.

"Hi mother."
"Ah my daughter deems to show herself." She looks at me with an empty stare. This is the first time we've seen each other in nearly a year and I feel the memories from that day rush back, I close my eyes to see it all again.

"ITS SIMPLY NOT NATURAL!"
"Mom it's just how I am" I yell back, tears rolling down my face whist throwing clothes into a bag.
"I cannot believe that my daughter has let satan into my home!!" she screams, poison filling each word.
"Mom it's got nothing to do with the fucking devil, I'm gay not satanic!"
"Language!"
"Is that really what you're fucking worried about right now? Not the fact that I'm fucking leaving?"
"You know there are ways to fix this if you just listen!"
"Mom this isn't something you can just pray away!" I mock.
"Your father is in the phone to the pastor and he says there's a camp for homosexuals, to make them better." She says with a sickly sweet tone.
"FUCK OFF!" I sling my two bags over my shoulders and barge past her tearing the front door open. I storm down the driveway, chucking my things into my car. As I pull away, I hear her scream "Let Jesus back into your heart!"
The last thing I saw was my parents stood in the doorway, my mother crying, letting out horrific screams, my father stood idly with his hand on her back. What a mess.

"So," I say.
"So," She repeats. twisting her cross between her fingers as she inspects Holly and I's apartment.
"Coffee?"
"Please."
I direct her to our table, clearing the envelopes and various pieces of paper sewn about. Due to the craziness of the past couple days, I had completely forgotten to clean before she arrived.
"I saw you on TV" she said as I laid the cup infront of her.
"Uh huh"
"You were quite good."
"Thank you." I lace my fingers around the cup, picking at my nail bed.
"Stop that it's a nasty habit."
"God Carol, do you really think that's your place to say anymore." I hiss, trying to suppress the anger bubbling up.
"Darling," she drawls, "don't be so dramatic you're still my daughter." Her voice is just as nasal and aristocratic as I remember. I can smell her musky perfume from across the table, my face bubbles in anger.
"No Im NOT!" I let my voice raise, "Why did you even reach out?"
"Because you ARE my daughter and I still care for you and your salvation."
I let my eyes roll lazily.
"Oh my god! Not this shit again! I'm not going to a fucking conversion camp. I'm happy!"
"That is only the devil talking, god still loves you."
I stand quickly, almost knocking my coffee over. "I think it's time you leave." I say simply, not looking at her.
"I had hoped you would've seen the light by now." She brings her gold cross to her lips as she turns towards the door in her chanel pantsuit and perfectly styled blond hair.
"Goodbye Carol" I say bitterly, holding the door open.
"I'll keep you in my prayers."
I slam the door. Waiting until i can't hear the click of her awful kitten heels before sitting on the green sofa.

Holly shakes me awake. Her eyes full of concern due to my puffy eyes.
"That bad huh?"
It feels like there's no energy left in me, like I've been beaten in an emotional wrestling match. I rub my eyes removing the remnants of crusty tears from my face.
"You wanna talk about it?" she raises and eyebrow.
"No"
She pulls me into a tight hug, we stay like this for a while. I finally break away to take a shower.

In a pair of baggy shorts and a huge t shirt, I sit at our table, head in my hands, trying to process even more shit. I mean there's the stuff with Billie, the song we're working on and now my mom. God I mean when she reached out a couple weeks ago, I stupidly thought she wanted to accept back into her life for who I am. But she only went and did it again. All. Over. Again. And what shocked me more was that dad hadn't even bothered to come along. He and I were so close when I was little. Before I came out I could've never imagined this reaction, especially considering how supportive they were for everything else, I hadn't realised how brainwashed they were. And on top of this I'm really confused about Billie, we've nearly kissed a couple of times now, but I'm not even sure if she likes girls. She's only ever dated guys publicly but I feel something between us. God what am I even saying, she's an international popstar, what could she possibly want with me?
Thankfully, Holly breaks my train of thought by putting a home made pad thai infront of me.
"Eat. You look constipated with the amount of thinking you're doing."
"Ha" I deadpan.
I explain what happened with my mom. "Same old shit really."
"I'm so sorry Bels." she says holding my hand across the table.
"It whatever, I'm obviously not going to change. They don't look like they're going to anytime soon, so I guess this is just how it is."
"I can't believe them," she states angrily.
"I'm even more angry because it's overshadowed a really cool night," I explain the song and how creative we were all getting, "and I don't know what's going on with Billie and I."
"Oh my god! what do you meannnn???!"
Holly absolutely loves drama, especially when it comes to my love life as I'm so private.
"Well, we just keep having these moments I guess, it could be nothing though."
"I'm sure it's not. Do you like her?"
"I know you're straight and all, but are you fucking blind?" I laugh.