chance

Chapter 10

I blink hard, freeing my tears and clearing my vision. How could she?
My foot presses harder to the pedal. Knuckles clenching on the steering wheel. I don't think I've felt rage like this before. Rationally I know we weren't together, but we had talked about exclusivity and where we were going. I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend. I crave her when she's not there, I want to know her every thought and feeling, everything about her. I liked everything about her, especially how she saw me, raw. I liked her, silly me to fall for someone new.
I slowed my car, pulling up to to my block of flats. Thankfully, hollys car was no where to be seen. I caught my own eyes in the mirror, darkened by mascara, my red blotchy cheeks spoke volumes of my day. I sighed, watching yet another tear roll down the battle field. I arduously moved my limbs out of the car, dragging myself up the stairs and into my small appartement. My head felt heavy, like my skull had become lead. I plop onto my bed, my covers engulf me into a hug of sorts.
I finally let the tears out in full steam, until the heavy blanket of sleep takes me.

I wake up slowly, only to realise it's dark. I hear shuffling behind my door, and it crack open. Hollys face drops as it meets mine.
"What the fuck happened?"
I whimper, tears already down my face.
She rushes over, grabbing me in a way that made me feel small and loved.
"B-b" I start to scream slightly, "Billie fucked someone else!"
She strokes my hair, just letting me cry into her shoulder. I'm not sure how long we stay like this, her playing with my hair, patting my back, but eventually the exhaustion gets me again.

The memories dance in front of my eyes, the good and the bad, but eventually focusing on the last time I looked at her face. A sickening sweat had slicked her face making her look paler than usual, her once soft brows, pulled and knotted into worry, her pink lips left bruised and open in shock, her eyes glassy with tears ready to be released. I don't think that image will ever leave me. I think Billie might have been the one in some respects. I think I love her, or loved her I don't even know. I hate this. Why did she do this?

I spent the next day in bed with the curtains drawn, sometimes crying but mostly feeling numb. I left my phone die so that I couldn't see if I Billie texted or not.
"Bella?" Hollys voice rang through the apartment.
I groaned, knowing she'd fling the door open momentarily.
"Bella?"
Light flooded in, blinding me.
"Oh dear, you look a state." She looks at me sympathetically, stretching her arms for a hug which I gladly accept, "do you want some food?"
I shake my head into her shoulder.
"Okay, well remember to eat something" She says as she begins to get up, "umm, I wasn't sure if I should mention it, but billies been blowing me up."
I lay down, childishly putting my back to her.
"She says she wants to see you and talk."
All I could muster was a whispered, "no." Before holly turned to leave.

The numbness took hold as the light of the door extinguished itself.
I love her.