Roommates

"I'm glad you finally got the guts to kiss off Susan," Jonathan told Edmond.

Edmond looked like he might once have had the guts but that now he didn't have any left. It was a good thing they were both sitting, otherwise the man might have just keeled over right then and there.

"That's not exactly how it went down. Susan said, 'As soon as you ditch your roommate, call me.'"

"Me?"

"I guess, she never really took much of a shine to you, Jonathan."

"And after I was so nice to her. I liked Susan."

"That's not exactly the way she saw it."

"Anyway, Susan was nice—pretty too. But she couldn't appreciate you—your work—how important what you're doing is to medical research."

"Perhaps. But I still miss her."

"Cheer up, Champ. You've still got me."

Edmond stared at Jonathan like he didn't know him at all.

That didn't worry Jonathan. Edmond often did that when he was thinking deep thoughts. That's just what geniuses did. But whatever this one was it sure was a deep one.

Jonathan was beginning to think he'd never come up for air when Edmond said, "There's a problem."

"What's that?"

"In two months, I've got that big presentation at the Hilton."

"So?"

"I promised my mom and dad they'd meet Susan."

"Well, you'll just have to tell them she couldn't make it."

Edmond made that face that said that Jonathan had just said the dumbest thing in the universe. Jonathan hated that face. And he'd do anything to erase it.

"That won't do at all, Jonathan. I promised."

Jonathan nodded. "Well, I for one know how important your promise is."

"They're all worried about me. Not getting married. Not having kids and everything."

"Say no more. My mother is the exact same way with me."

This was not altogether true. Jonathan's mom didn't give a rat's ass what he did with his life.

Edmond considered for a while then said, "We're friends, right?"

"Best friends!"

"You'll just have to be my Susan. There's no way around it."

"Come again?"

"Don't flake out on me. You've dressed as a woman before. And very convincingly."

"Sure, At Halloween!"

"Sure. At Halloween. And Wigstock. NYC Pride Parade. Every day during Pride month. Magdalene at Easter. Mary at Christmas. And— "

"Alright. You made your point."

"Listen, I know you're not gay."

"Damn straight, I'm straight."

Actually, Edmond wasn't sure of that last part at all. He'd never seen Jonathan with a girl–ever. To be fair though, he'd never seen him with a guy either—other than himself that is. It made him wonder, that's all. Wonder about Jonathan. And wonder about Edmond too.

"You'll have to start now. You know, getting in practice."

"Two months!" Jonathan moaned, like he was auditioning for another one of those corny musical parts he never got.

"It's not like you're working or anything."

"So, I'm an unemployed actor-slash-dancer. Big deal. I worked hard for my unemployment check," Jonathan said.

"It'll give you a chance to write that screenplay you've always talked about."

"I don't know..."

"Come on. I need a favor... Please."

"Sure," Jonathan grinned. "Anything for my roommate."

"Anything?"

"Well... yeah."

"Good, because you'll need some work."

"Work?!"

"Verisimilitude."

"Veris...?"

"To make you more convincing–more ladylike on the outside."

"Oh."

"So tomorrow evening, you'll come to the NYU Langone hospital, and we'll get started on you."

"Hey, wait a minute!"

"Don't worry, Kid. We wouldn't get anything done that can't be undone. And if we don't like it—why we'll just change you right back."

"Pinky promise?"

"Pinky promise."

That made Jonathan feel a bit better. He knew that Edmond would never go back on his word–ever.

"Sperm to worm," Jonathan said, sticking out his mitt.

"Womb to Tomb," Edmond smiled in a creepy way. He pondered why it was that he merely held Jonathan's hand while his friend shook his.