Making excuses

Myself

I don't tell anybody what went  on behind those walls. After time of being together I wouldn't say we fought. I'd say he had a tendency in grabbing me and not letting me go anytime I tried to walk away from him or out the room. I'm claustrophobic I hate it.
I'm screaming Please let me go I got a heart problem and he knows ...I just starting fighting him not once did he swing back just wouldn't let me go no matter how hard I punched on him . All he cared about was not letting me go, I loved him so much I don't know why I didn't leave then . It's just in the beginning of our relationships you try to care , you hear they life story and abandonment issues and try to understand . It was too the point his brothers and friends would bust in the room and be screaming pnut let HER GO. She can't breathe stop holding that girl , you bleeding she steady swanging why you won't  let go of her? I ended up going to the hospital because after that I just couldn't catch my breathe. Heart beat 170 I was there for hours of course.  I was still learning him I didn't know it would be constant . I didn't know it would go from him squeezing me until I couldn't breathe to literally swanging and squaring up with me everytime he couldn't get his way! I've been through some stuff . I have abandonment issues but not as deep as him. I tried to see the good in him I tried to help I tried everything. Never listen when a man tells you he'll change . They never do,he always hits me again, he continued to tell me I  look different.(Knowing I have certain insecurities)Saying Rude Stuff To hurt my feelings he tells me he's not interested in me and then takes it back. (Sorry) I've heard that a million times.  Begging me to leave , but once I leave I'm also the bad person or I'm Fina get fucked be all in guys face let him tell it .I also hate going to bed mad it's not peaceful at all. Instead of talking you always wanna have sex? I'm not having make up sex for this it doesn't change anything. I knew once he started treating me like this , he was planning to put me through this for a long time. I lost myself with him but I had to find myself and come to my senses and realize I'm THAT GIRL! I have a life , little ones , family hell I do lash individuals for a living . So disappointed in myself , I literally been away from my friends , family. I stop bringing my son around him , all that yelling n fighting you doing? We won't have that in front of mines NOT MINES at all. I haven't did no lashes n stuff basically since we been together. It's like he wanted to bring me down because that's how he obviously is feeling about himself.
I'm beautiful, I'm a black woman , I'm a mother , a sister and more . My life ,Every women's life is important. My god mom was shot n killed by her boyfriend recently. He also killed hiself some time after !They both LITERALY helped me raised my 5year old from birth and just like that she's gone. Everything that seems perfect isn't perfect she never showed a flaw a down moment never . So those red flags we ignore for love isn't worth it. If my son wasn't out of town he would of been there right along with my god sister and cousin. Once a man loves you to the point you start seeing little signs of controlling , abuse , whatever you go and don't look back. Don't go too deep because I have myself in a situation between love and hate allll because my heart is so big and I love the man. I most definitely will not go back and put myself in a situation ever again I'm a mom mines need me .
I didn't even want a relationship honestly for some reason after I lost mom I said I was gonna be by myself and I did. Just came along him and for some reason I couldn't read him! I read everybody he drawed my attention. I just let him get me to comfortable . I should of kept going home everyday or spending a night once every other day .I let him talk me into staying a week . Never should have done that, been stuck to me like white on rice. My ma said I'm tired of seeing him , you can't come alone?
Never can act right . He even came with me to my Bestfriend house and I'll never do that again . Argued the whole time remind y'all she's been my only friend 7 whole years. We been together some months you don't even know her . Be Forreal he literally wanted me alone like him with nobody. I'm just happy I finally got away and just wanted to express that to the women out there .