it was always her - billie eilish

things mellow out

my first therapy session done, about a week into medication, and a few days out for a much needed christmas break. things were admittedly feeling much better. i decided to take off the remaining school year from work, well at least most of it. i decided to do at maximum 2 shoots a week. after me and my manager sat down to talk, i came to find that people can be much more understanding when you tell them the full truth. of course she was stressed with the list of calls she had to make cancelling out on photo shoots, but she told me that she would rather have me here and healthy than continue to over book me and contribute to another "little incident". the designers and companies i was supposed to model for were also, for the most part, understanding and wished me well. some asking if it was possible to work with me again once i was feeling better, some places even sending me P.O. boxes, filled with clothes and other get well items. the world wasn't always rainbows and roses but sometimes people gave you grace and i was absolutely over the moon to feel so understood by the businesses i thought would blacklist me for calling off shoots.

i miraculously got some grace from my professors as well. many allowing me one additional week to turn in and edit any major assignments that were missing or that had been poorly done. i saved 4/5 classes from failing and managed to pass my first semester of college. i'd started to reconsider school, finding that it did contribute a lot to my declining mental health, i'd discovered through therapy that school wasn't for everyone. my therapist suggested that i finish off this school year and see how i feel over the summer after the meds are in full effect. things just felt good, like it was finally looking up for me. i often went back to the moment in the bathroom, when i thought to myself a sentance that stuck to my head for years "it only gets worse" what a terrible and limiting statement it had been. perhaps that belief is what held me back from making the change for myself all these years. i wasn't defined by my past, nor my mother or father, nor my hereditary struggles with addiction and poor mental health. i was just a person who has always had the potential to get better, just like everyone else.

i was also happy to see the way that the changes i made for myself impacted those around me. billie was happy to understand me deeper, to be aware of the struggles that make me myself and how to help me better. she was also just relieved to see me living healthier, light drinking and more time cuddled in bed with her. bella was happy to have a clean room and a bestfriend who wanted to do more than get black out at a frat party. then of course aunt val and thomàs loved seeing me around more for reasons that weren't i need to get away from school / my life has totally fallen apart. things are good. of course i knew that this was that grace period, right after rock bottom when things look up. i wasn't fixed after a week of meds and a therapy session, but trying to nurture myself back to health felt better than 6 shots to the face every night by 9pm. it was time to give up on running.

i hadn't been partying either, but it made me realize how little there is to do on campus without drinking. to replace parties i decided to start returning to the music scene, spend the days wrapping up the semester then finding some concert to end the night with. i found that i'm more recognizable than i remembered, i interacted with a lot of fans, aspiring models, and people who had lots to say about the "drama" between syd and i. it was nice to go out and start meeting those who followed me, it helped me realize better that i did have some sort of positive influence over the world, even if it was small. i enjoyed the new things i learned from the past couple weeks, i liked the feeling of hope. it's corny but i feel like i finally hit the rock bottom and could finally tell which was was up.

now i sit in my dorm nesting in the corner of my bed, fingers typing rapidly at a final essay due later in the night. it looked good so far, i had plenty of time to wrap it up and edit it. it's not long before i hear a knock at the door, it's billie of course making her nightly rounds to check in and hopefully get some time in my bed. she makes her way over to me laying her head in my lap.