Silent Eyes

47, Love and Guilt

Before Roy knew it, he was catching on to Monica's behavior. Something didn't sit right, especially after spotting her sneaking back inside at three in the morning. He attempted to confront her, but Monica deftly evaded his questions, slipping past him and heading straight to bed. In the light of day, his scrutiny intensified, and he refused to let the matter slide.

"Where the fuck were you last night?" Roy's voice was sharp as he followed closely behind her. Monica focused on cooking breakfast, attempting to keep her composure. "Selene is right here," she reminded him. "Can we please not do this now?" She turned to face him, but Roy's expression remained unyielding, pressing the issue further. "Where did you disappear to last night?"

Suddenly, without warning, he tugged at her collar, nearly tearing it, revealing a dark bruise along her collarbone. "What's this?" he demanded. Moving aside her shirt, he uncovered another bruise. "And this." Leaning forward, he sniffed her, recoiling in disgust. "And what's with the cologne? Don't tell me, are you still..." Before he could finish, Monica flailed her arms.

"Alright, I snuck out last night to hang with the girls!" she blurted out. "But I got drunk, tripped and some guy helped me." As she spoke, she fell silent, but Roy remained unconvinced. Chuckling cynically, he shook his head. "You're such a shitty liar," he sneered. Leaning close, he hissed, "and you're such a terrible fiance!" With that, he stormed off, leaving Monica alone with Selene, who looked bewildered.

The little girl faced her mom. For days, mommy and Roy had been arguing, the tension palpable. Selene had many questions but was too nervous to ask, fearing their sharp words. So she focused on eating, distracting herself with YouTube videos and breakfast.

Monica exhaled, not looking at her daughter. "Selene, are you okay?" she asked aloud, finally turning to face her. She saw the unhappiness, confusion, and fear in her daughter's eyes. Instead of responding, Selene asked her own question. "Mommy, are you okay?"

The question caught her off guard. Was she okay? As Monica pondered, she realized she wasn't. Stress consumed her, manifesting in acne breakouts and painful headaches. All she yearned for was some peace, but each day felt like a battleground. To compound matters, she blamed herself, drowning in guilt until she'd succumb to fits of despair, tearing at her hair and sobbing uncontrollably. In that moment, Monica knew she needed to confide in someone.

She sought out a therapist, Dr. Yoon, a perceptive elder with crimson lipstick. As Monica poured out her troubles, Dr. Yoon tapped at her clipboard. "Have you considered divorcing your husband and moving forward?" she questioned. "No offense, Ms. Warren, but he doesn't seem like a good man. In fact, he sounds like an abuser in my professional opinion."

Monica fell into a thoughtful silence. She was somewhat surprised she hadn't initiated divorce proceedings with Andreas yet. Was it due to the fear of losing Selene, or was there a deeper reason? She let out a soft exhale.

"Doctor, are you familiar with soul ties?" she asked quietly. Dr. Yoon's eyebrow raised in interest. "You mean the emotional and spiritual connections people can have with each other?" she inquired.

Monica nodded. "Yes, exactly. I believe in it to some extent. Andreas..." Her voice faltered. "Andreas isn't perfect, I know, but I still care about him. I mean, I still love him." Tears welled in her eyes, and she began to break down. "I'm not excusing his behavior, it's just he had a difficult upbringing, and he's still trapped in that cycle. I want to love him, but it feels like the universe is pushing me away."

Dr. Yoon leaned in, listening intently. "And why do you think that is?" she frowned.

"Because from the moment my parents met him, they didn't approve," Monica confessed. "Everyone who meets Andreas seems to have a negative opinion, and... it's frustrating." Dr. Yoon narrowed her eyes, leaning forward. "Even if their words come from genuine concern?" she probed. Monica shrugged, feeling drained. "I appreciate their concern, but at the same time, let me live my life. Let me face those challenges and decisions on my own. Stop making choices for me; it's exhausting!"

It fell quiet, and Dr. Yoon seemed to be jotting down a few notes. Curious, Monica asked, "What are you writing?" The therapist didn't meet her gaze as she replied, "It appears you haven't fully moved on from your time with Andreas. Despite his abusive behavior, you still long for his companionship, and you may even have become accustomed to his possessiveness."

"I understand you feel a connection to him, Ms. Warren, but have you ever considered prioritizing your own well-being?" Dr. Yoon continued. "A romantic relationship seems to be the least of your concerns right now. It seems you're trying to navigate a life between Roy, who treats you with the respect you deserve, and Andreas, who fulfills your sexual desires in a way. However, by not addressing this conflict and voicing your needs, you're burying yourself deeper into a pit of guilt, becoming someone you don't want to be."

Monica swallowed hard. Yes, she had considered going it alone, especially since she practically was when she was pregnant with Selene. During that time, despite being separated from Andreas, life felt great. She didn't have to worry about looking over her shoulder for danger or facing interrogation every time she walked through the door. But deep down, she knew that wasn't a sustainable solution.

Her parents urged her to enter a relationship, for Selene's sake, so she could have a father figure, conveniently forgetting that Andreas was already playing that role. And inevitably, Andreas would find his way back into her life. He was... fixated on her, and she couldn't deny enjoying the attention. The sense of being special to someone was intoxicating, fueling her own obsession with him.

Monica flailed her hands in frustration. "What do you think I should do?" she implored. Dr. Yoon frowned. "You're seeking my advice?" Monica nodded, her tear-filled eyes meeting the therapist's gaze. "You're an outsider to all of this, and outsiders often have the clearest perspective, right? So tell me, how do I fix all of this?"

After a moment of contemplation, the doctor exhaled deeply. "This may sound controversial," she began, "but consider giving your husband another chance."

Monica's eyes widened in disbelief, a faint gasp escaping her lips. "What?" she echoed in astonishment. Dr. Yoon pressed on. "I've been listening, and everything you've mentioned revolves around him. You love him, despite knowing he's got some bad traits. You want to give it another shot with him. I don't have all the details because you're clearly withholding a lot out of nervousness," she observed, making Monica nervously swallow with guilt.

"But from what I can gather, you crave another chance with him. You want to see how a second chance pans out. You're only hesitating because you think everyone else is right, advising you to stay away from Andreas. But you're neglecting your own instincts, which are urging you to give it a try."

Monica was at a loss for words. Everything the doctor had articulated seemed alarmingly accurate. As foolish as it might sound, she did harbor a desire to reignite her relationship with Andreas and test her tolerance for his risky lifestyle

Yet, she couldn't deny that everyone's warnings about him being a red flag were valid, a fact she acknowledged. Thus, she found herself avoiding him, heeding their advice, all while disregarding the persistent tug of her heart urging her to give him another chance. It was all quite startling to confront.

Monica's brows furrowed with concern. "But isn't that too risky for you to suggest as a therapist?" she queried. Dr. Yoon let out a weary sigh as she set aside her clipboard. Crossing her arms, she spoke frankly. "Yes, it's certainly a bold statement for me to make. However, I can't control my patients, Ms. Warren. No matter what guidance I offer, it will inevitably sound like echoes of what others have already told you. If you're determined to navigate these challenges on your own terms, then pursue it. My only advice is... be cautious and prioritize your safety."