❤️‍🩹 Punch didn't hurt as much as the one which broke my heart ❤️‍🩹 KIMCHAY AU

48. 🌓

“Phi, what are you doing?” Kim asked Tankhun first, not understanding at all what his big brother could be doing with a gun in his hand.

He suddenly remembered the cries of his brother. The one from the time Korn had decided that Tankhun’s traumatic kidnapping shouldn't stop him from being the heir. He had great hopes for him but it ended in disappointment for their father. The boy screamed so loudly that the sound was still vivid in Kim’s mind. He had rejected everything, every training, and it is only when his son refused to even eat that he let go of him.

Tankhun was free, but he felt guilty to see his younger brother taking his place. He saw with regrets Kinn being the one to pull the trigger. As much as he hated it, he couldn't bring to be around violence anymore and all he did was build a hard personality to be living around, the one his father wouldn't hate fundamentally but wouldn't love for being part of the mafia.

He built an identity on eccentricity and colours, and even if he truly liked pink, even if he found himself in this behaviour, he knew deep down that he was hiding himself, he was being as low as possible because he couldn't face anything.

“Phi Tankhun…” Tiny Kim asked him one day, after pulling on his new pink long trousers.

“What do you need baby blues?” Tankhun kneeled in front of him. Kim always made him think of this genre of song, the type to comfort him, his kind of warmth.

“What happened? Why do you look so sad?” Kim pouts, with the saddest expression.

“Baby blues…” Tankhun stares at him and hugs Kim tightly in his arms. He feels upset with himself, he feels bad, he feels lost but he knows that he wants to be strong, he wants to fee better, to be better for Kinn, for Kim, he doesn’t want to worry his brothers, he doesn’t want to make him feel bad. Tankhun caresses his hair and nods for himself. If Korn couldn’t give warmth to them, he would, if Korn couldn’t hug them, he would, he would until his brothers would be too old and would not accept his physical attention.

“I am just…I am trying to…to get used to it…”

“Why would you need to get used to it…” Kim said, taking softly but rapidly the gun from his big brother’s hands. He hated to see this, he hated that view. Kim wanted to stop it all, he had this urge to protect them directly. The boy always had kept an eye on them from afar. He always investigated what was going on, he needed to at least try to protect their brothers. Always from afar, far away, to the point that they didn’t even know what he was doing.

Kim felt so much better now. He felt way more open about his emotions and he wasn’t even aware of the change in his behaviour; it just came naturally, as natural as loving Porchay just happened against the will of his brain. He might feel embarrassed but he didn’t mind saying what he thought to his brother.

“Kim.” Tankhun put his hands on the gun again, taking it from Kim, biting his lips. “I don’t want…want to only be protected. I don’t want…I don’t want to not be able to support violence…I need…I need to- to be stronger…I need it Kim…”

“Why…Phi?” Porchay finally talked. He had the sensation that he needed to be the anchor between them, that he needed to act like a softest pillow to help their communication. Their way of doing it was still so fragile but precious.

“Because…even if…even if I don't have to pull the trigger, even if I don't touch this…I need to be able to touch it…if anything happens I need to work on this and also…if I can stop being scared of the sound…of it can stop bothering me so much I won't be trouble…”

“Why would anything happen?” Kim asked, his voice soft but his eyes looking concerned.

“I thought...thought something might always happen, Kim we are the mafia.”