We're Still Human

Chapter 16: Constellations

The car ride back to Kendall's was incredibly silent.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for the confrontation tonight. My mind is array of thoughts; the confession, the argument, the slap. I don't think I've ever felt so disrespected and low in my life. Ever. Not even from Nadia's fickle betrayal.

There's nothing more that can truly break you more than your own family can.

Leaving Sanele behind was a hard decision, God knows what our mother will do to him when he finds out about...yeah, that. In big brother fashion, he's on the phone with me, playing his guitar in attempts to soothe me. My eyes are closed, trying to prevent an emotional outburst, and as he softly begins to sing 'Duvet' by Boa. My brother has such a unique, serenity voice that can ease even a baby's cries. His voice takes me back to a place where him and I were our only comfort when our mother made us compete academically and socially. Music...that was our escape.

And it seems it always will be.

I begin to sob quietly as he plays it over and over, my sobs becoming uncontrollable. I hunch over the seat, the phone falling out of my hands as Kaitlyn continues to drive.

"Pull over," I hear Kendall say in distress.

"What? Kendall we're almost ho—"

"Kaitlyn, please."

The car screeches to a stop and a seatbelt unbuckles, the sound of a car door opening quickly following. The door slams, a scream erupting from my mouth as my car door opens, the cool air hitting me like a baseball bat. I open the car to Kendall, her eyes watery and red. She extends her hand, and I take it, getting out of the car and standing face to face with my girlfriend. Kennie's hands reach for my cheeks, her fingers gently swiping over my face in attempts to clean it.

Her actions are futile though, because the tears come back, and they come back even harder.

"I know," Kennie whispers. "I'm here, okay? You're safe."

With those words, my knees go weak, and I find myself falling to the ground, not alone, but with Kendall trying to keep me steady. Our knees hit the pavement, and I sob into Kendall's chest, staining her white tee.

Another pair of arms console me, and I cry even harder, my head beginning to hurt from all this. Kaitlyn and Kendall whisper words of reassurance, but I can only think of how this never came out of my mom's mouth.

"Baby, let me talk to my sister for a moment, okay? I'll be right back," Kendall murmurs.

"Kendall, I—" my throat closes up, and I frown, rubbing my arms.

"Yasmina baby, I need you to trust me." Kennie kisses my cheek, before standing up and walking a few meters away with Kaitlyn.

I watch as the two briefly argue, with Kaitlyn rolling her eyes, then sighing hard. She gives Kendall a hug and hops into the car, starting it up. I jump to my feet, startled, and try to run after the car as Kait dashes away. Kendall holds me, and I try to shake her away, before she hugs me tighter to prevent me from moving.

"Kendall, what the hell?" I scream. "We're in the middle of nowhere!"

"Yas, we're a 10 minute walk away from the house, I know you don't want to go in there yet," Kennie explains. "You can't."

"What makes you think I can't?" I ask her, crossing my arms.

"Well, for starters, you begin to cry uncontrollably as we got closer to the house. You've been at my place a thousand times, I know you're not crying because we have to share a bed again," she explains. "I rather not have you walk in with your eyes red and your makeup completely ruined because of me, you know?"

I chuckle a little. So what are you suggesting?"

"A little walk? Just you and I." Kendall grins, her hand out for me to take. I humbly accept her offer, and we begin to trek back to her place.

"That was intense," Kendall begins.

"Yeah, it wasn't all roses and sunshine you know," I sneer, sniffling here and there. "My mom slapped me."

Kendall's initial concern turns into shock. "What?"

"She slapped me. Right across the fucking face."

"Why would she do that?" My silence makes her stop to look at me, her face scrunching up in dismay. "It was because of me, wasn't it?"

"I don't want to say that it was because of you," I whisper.

"But it was."

"I had to tell her eventually," I reassure her. "There was no escaping it. I just couldn't stand for my mom to be rude to you every time you two see each other."

"So what, now you want her to be rude to the both of us?" Kendall raises her brows. "Yasmina, I love that you value our relationship so deeply, but I never wanted to be a problem to you and your family."

"You're not a problem, Kendall. You're a human and I want you to be treated like one in her presence," I argue

"But you're human too, Yasmina," she states. "When are you going to allow yourself to feel what humans feel all the time? What queer people feel all the damn time, Yasmina?"

My mouth remains tight.

"What you did tonight was brave, and I appreciate you for telling your mom about us. But tonight, it was your night to shine, not burn. I love you, Yasmina, but I need you to know that you're a damn human who has feelings, emotions, needs. It's okay to fall apart, it's okay to not have your life tightly knit together. Hell, none of us have that. The one thing we all have though, is the choice to live out our lives the way we want to, or let other people live vicariously through us.

And I think for the longest time, you've let your mom live through you a lot.

I don't want to see you fall apart like this. To bottle things up and then when the bottle breaks you're a mess. This isn't who you are deep down and you know it, we both know it. For God's sake, Yasmina, I just want you to live and keep reminding yourself that you're a damn human too, with feelings."

Kendall squeezes my hand. "Let me tell you what I know about the Yasmina that wants to live. She's a pianist, she's a lover girl at heart, the book girl that hides behind the crevices of the pages of the book she's reading. She's the girl that loves to play basketball, that sucks at volleyball, and is a damn track star. She loves viciously, and she's not afraid to speak her mind. That's the Yasmina I know, but I want you to discover the Yasmina that you know you are, the one that you want to believe."

I nod, taking in her words. She was right, it's time I do discover who I am on my own terms, not anyone else's.